Sunday, 4 February 2018

Big bang 2018

I don’t know what to write about…I don’t know  how to say it like it is…its like a block has hit my mind, blocking my thoughts and I am unable to say anything….is it even worth saying it? do people care? I have fallen and nobody…nobody can rescues me…Its been a huge bang in the new year lighting the sky with fire of brokenness….where do I even start…how do I even start…For months I watched myself be bully by people and be walked over, I lost any love I had for myself, I couldn’t be loved, what made it worse the leaders I look up to did nothing…they did not save me… I decided to quit my job for 2 reasons …1..because I felt the Lord say I should do the internship at our church and 2…I didn’t want to go back because of the bullying… quitting my job was a step of faith but…a step in to a huge storm about to hit me…I was left without work and a hope of growing in a church I loved so much….as I enter the building that I loved so much I would never realize that I would leave it in tears and heart broken…what was wrong with me….my heart fell apart after being told I could not do internship..The church I called home has just displayed a huge rejection…after all the set backs…after all the hurt I made the choice….The choice to end it all…I was done…I have been struggling with suicide but I could never do it because of fear but I wanted to die…I had started jumping in front of trains to prepare my self for the (Dday) I told people I was just doing it to deal with things but I knew the real reason…I had no job…I had lost some friendships and now I lost my church family…

I felt I lost my faith too, I felt I let people down by not serving where they wanted me to be, I felt like I became a (Sunday) Christian and that did not grow me. I was ready to give up.

I remember that week I saw my mentor and then she wanted to see me again, I wasn’t sure why because we only see each other once a month but I thought I could give her a proper goodbye  and decided to go see her on the Tuesday. I plan to go to church afterwards and leave a suicide note there and then jump in front of the train I wanted to send an ( I love you) message but I knew that would be a red flag so I thought a suicide note was okay. 

When d day came I felt nothing, my mind was in a dark place, nothing could stop me, even if I wanted to send a text help even the person wouldn’t be able to stop me. I didn’t care what jesus thought, I thought he would understand , I mean he the one who knows my pain surely he wanted it to end? I know I did,

I had my (last) breakfast and waited for the time. I was getting exited, knowing the rush would be great, I enjoyed the rush, but now I wasn’t going move when I jump in front of the train I was going remain still and that exited me.

As I entered the building which my mentor was in I felt no sadness, I felt nothing, I sat down and waited for her, as she came down I was glad to see her, I truly loved her, I still felt no emotions at all, it was like my mind went blank as we sat down and spoke the very next moments were going change my heart after we spoke for awhile she shared that I was at risk and that she did not feel it was safe for me to leave the building. She gave me a choice, she was going take me to the hospital or the police will… I couldn’t believe it, I was so shocked. I was so upset.

I spent 2 nights and a day at the hospital and then I was discharge as there weren’t any beds in a ward I was meant to go to. The term was that I go on pills and go in to treatment which I agree to. I had been fighting this for long time now I just gave in and was ready. I had nothing else but myself and I guess I should start fighting for myself because all the other things I was fighting for did not fight for me it was time to give them up and fight for me.


As I was sitting in our prayer room at church I  had to face angry and in that angry freedom, I was still hurting so much, so much happen so fast, my church family did hurt me so much, They said they did not reject me but you cant tell that to someone who faced so much rejection they will only see it as rejection.  I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the Lord house yet all this was happening so much pain so much tears,I was sure of one thing I was not glad I was alive still…I was angry that I was stopped, but it seem like the patch of darkness had left me and I had no will to jump in the train.. I was not sure if I was loved by the people I loved so much, but I knew running away in the past only lead to bitterness and isolation perhaps I had to choose a different path because the same thing seem as it was repeating over and over, I had been rejected by 2 churches before  perhaps instead of walking away I stayed and loved them.
For the next following weeks I would discover that people did love me and was super hurt by my actions.


Suicide has ruled me since the age of 9 and I want to rule it, I don’t know how but im going try fight for my life because I am loved, and the devil wants me to believe otherwise.
So my year has started with a huge bang and I don’t know what the future holds but I know Jesus holds it, I know he loves me no matter what I think of myself because he thinks I am amazing and worth dying for.


I wrote the following to help me fight and I hope it bless you.  


(Ill kick you down satan!
Ill knock you down!
Ill rip you apart with millions of prayers to the Lord,
Ill sing him a song,
Ill shout to him!
Ill praise you father!
Ill kick you down satan!
Ill knock you down!
Shut up devil !!
I am a child of God
I am his loving child
I am his bright and shining star!!!!!

Ill kick you down satan!!!)



Sunday, 31 December 2017

A new start

We just about to end the year 2017, its been one hard year but we entering in to a new year with a new start.
I would like to take this chance and thank all my supports and fans out there, without you my blogs will be nothing and ill have no reason to write but of course writing for Jesus is on top of the list!
I am bless to know that these blogs have reach over 2000 people worldwide, for me that’s big so thank you, you all are wonderful ! I will be adding a site up on word press and will be starting video blogs so please keep an eye out and please share these with anyone who you think will inspire, because my goal is to inspire as many people as I can!
Ill also like to say thank you to all the people who have given up on me and have rejected me, without you I wont be inspire to write about my pain and speak out so thank you for hurting me and for thinking the worse of me because it has grown me so much that I now look forward in to facing any rejection with 2 hands instead with close eyes!
Also a huge shout out to a family member who told me I should feel sorry for myself ..wait a huge shout out to all the family members who still have me in that monster box throwing all my faults at me, you the reason why one day ill end my life… because lets say it like is dear…you guys messed me up and now im trying fix me but I cant do that, only jesus can.
Thank you for hurting me, thank you for saying so many bad words and thank you for always giving up on me, means the world really, I get it, im such a monster I should go and jump in front of the next train right?
That’s where iv always had it soooo wrong, every time a family  member hurts me or says something so mean and hurt ill run to suicide and to self harm but I choose to run to jesus, he loves me even when I don’t love me.
Enough to those mean family cows…. I mess up but if I always hold on to all the mistakes iv made ill be dead honestly. You can not run a 30km run if you have chains tied on you so break those chains!
To the family members who do love me and keep in touch even when I fail you, thank you for loving me.
So that’s about it, say it like it is dear for 2017!
It’s a new start for each of you and open your hands for it with open eyes! Don’t let challenges break you instead let it build you, don’t let people walk over you, instead fly over them with love and most of all don’t let past hurt be the reason you cry today, cry today for today hurts not yesterday .
Be bless and see you all next year!


Sunday, 10 December 2017

Healing, just happens to be... A process..

I was walking home when I heard a loud noise as I looked around I saw a tree fall down , it fell so hard that it made so much dust, I was super blown away ! 
As I thought about the tree falling down how the roots were so big it must have really been In the right place to be blown over, because it wasn't so windy . it got me thinking about healing and how it happens. 

Recently I had my boss get upset with me because I walked out of a series we have at church for healing. He was upset that I didnt allow God to heal me. I was super upset what he had to say because I had been upset with the fact I could allow myself to walk out, as I question God on why he hadn't healed me, he started showing me that healing doesn't happen over night or in just a moment, not the kind of healing I needed. 

Healing is a process, it never stops and if we were all healed we wouldn't need God. We need to be in the right place to be able to get all those thick roots out, however those roots only Jesus can get out. Nobody can get it out for you. While searching for answers I discovered getting to know Jesus was the answer to my healing. I needed to learn how to have a relationship with Jesus and be open with him. 

Jesus is gentle, he's not going force you and when you allow him he will open small wounds for you to deal with so you can move to the next big ones. Healing isn't a big step take but rather a small step take. Just like the tree needed to be in the right place, in the right season, needed the right rain, the right storms , the right dry days  we too need all of that.
 I disagree with anyone who tells me that healing can happen over night or over weekend. You can not label yourself as everyone else because you not. 
God going take us on a long healing and it starts with little steps. 

At the end of the day healing is a process and only Jesus can finish that process. 

Saturday, 25 November 2017

Giving it all to him

It All happen so fast and the next thing I knew it was having the hole line stop working, heads turning towards me and never will I forget that.. Eyes became huge, words became loud.. That moment of brokenness hitting me like a rock falling on my Head, I slowly walked out and went down stairs and broke down , I cried and cried for long that day and when I got home I fell in to buckets of tears... Nothing could change what happen... What happen ? For months I encounter bullying perhaps this got to me or perhaps it was the process i was in as I began to open some past events and face them, what ever it was it clearly was too much for me... I lay on my bed thinking about what happen, there we were my working partner and I in a disagreement which we often had, however this time as soon as she raised her voice, something inside of me snapped and all I can remember was hitting the table in front of us and screaming as loud as ever and the following moments that took place just broke me.... Oh how could this happen ? What was wrong with me ? How can I call myself a Christian and love God when clearly He can't love me... Oh how my pillow had loads of tears that night. 
the next day I didn't even go in to work as I was so ill, I took a walk to the shop and bought some pills and took some and went in to a deep sleep. My heart was broken, broken because I let Jesus down, my self and my boss's. I couldn't go on, I had all the reason to jump in front of the next train. This was the reason. I mean people were going talk and call me mad. I could never go back to work... As I awoke I felt the Lord encourage me to be strong.  As I went back the next day I saw my morning go in a slow vision, step by step I walked and everyone was staring at me. Whisper's among each person I pass, it was like a movie... A horror one, all the blades were cutting me deep and very much... I fell in to more tears and again I broke down i couldn't pull myself together.. Maybe this was it... My life was ending... As I try to gain some control my working partner "N" began to speak about what happen and how she knew I would never do something like this. She began to tell me she loved me and that what happen was in the past and people were shocked when she stood up for me. I mean most of them told her to take me to the lawyer, and to make a case against me however she will not, she won't hold anything against me. As I heard this I cried some more. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I screamed at her, completely lost it yet she was willing to forgive me.
The hole factory has since then can not believe we joke as normal and talk as normal because they so quick to hold something against you. 

As "n" and I ended our week she looked at me and said "cat" promise me you will talk to someone , I wanted to cry more... I reply: I will try. After the screaming event everyone asked her if she was alright yet nobody asked me if I was okay yet she knew I was not okay. 

Out of this huge event I learned that I should forgive myself and love myself , I learn that I shouldn't hold something against someone but to forgive them there. 
I also learned that without surrendering to Jesus that I could never hold it together. In fact I could only fall back to self harm and pills but with him I fall on my knees and cry out to him...I am yours... Heal me Lord...make me new...take my brokenness take it all. After all only he can. 

Friday, 3 November 2017

The lies we are not

All my life there has been so many lies and It has destroy my life, I believed these lies and became that. 
One of the biggest lies I ever believe was that I'm special needs / retarded and that I could not live a normal life, that I am allow to be treated "special" because of it and not face my actions of my choices. Well all this change when someone I look up to me spoke to me and simply said she does not believe I'm special needs, I dont remember much about what all said in that meeting I only remember those words that from that moment changed my hole life, I remember going though the thoughts of what am I going use an excuse now! It was always easy for me to place blame on this lie and on my past. When ever something went wrong I would blame this lie and say oh well I'm special and so I must be treated with care! 
I mean before this people often told me they didn't think I was special needs and that didnt really get to me but when this person told me it really did something to me. 

I Always remember fighting my aunts on this topic that I can live a normal life but as soon as something went wrong I would go back to these words. I decided I would no longer use this as an excuse but a testimony. I have fought many years of trying to live a normal life and often people ask Me what is normal ? I simply would say its having a job, paying bills and rent and doing what any adult would be doing.
My fights has lead to a lot of hurt in people lives because they simply believe that I'm special needs and that I must be in a "home" taken care of however I refuse to believe in this lie, in fact I have more testimony's of how I came to be but I'll share that other time! 

I believe that I am different in my own way but we are all different it does not mean we can't face our own difficult things or that we can't hold jobs and live normal lives and take care of ourselves. 

Today by the grace of Jesus Christ I have a job and I am living in my own space , I make my own food pay my own bills and rent, I wash my own stuff and face the real world on my own. I have been told I am one of the few people who are very street wise ! I have walked miles and miles and have come across beautiful townships in the cape! 

I'm writing this to tell every person who reading this that you are not the lie you are told ! If you told you too fat or Ugly, YOU ARE NOT! If you told that you can't do anything let me tell you that YOU CAN ! 

Believe the words that the Lord Jesus has spoken over you and that is Psalms 139 and many more ! 

Don't stop fighting for what you believe in! 

I fight every day in my own small ways and so can you ! Be strong ! 

Thursday, 2 November 2017

Self harm

I know you hurting, I know you not okay, I know you want to be loved so I'm just going be here and support you, I won't judge you, I love you. 

Ever want to hear those words ? Ever feel so alone and there nothing to live by ? Well I know how you feel because That's all I log for. To be love and not to be judge. 

Recently I shared with my small group that I'm a self harmer. A cutter. 
I will be more open about this in more of my blogs when I'm ready but I thought I would share on this subject and encourage those who struggle with this to know that You not alone. You are love. Reach out because there are people who care for you and remember just because you struggle with this doesn't mean you are not value. You are. 

So if I could write to you the self harmer, this is how it gos....

Dear you the one who finds yourself with blades of no hope, with tears passing its edge ready to break your pain away, hear me, read me, there is hope, be strong. Its okay everything will be okay. No matter how many cuts you make you still so very special. So to you the..
.. The one who is in a storm of blood and alone in a wall of blades remember... You not alone and that I love you ". 


Tuesday, 17 October 2017

God calls the broken

I look at the screen and my thoughts freeze like brain freeze but much colder and as I think about it I have become colder with no understand to any thing at this current moment... 
Moments what are they ? Why are they just moments? Why not forever ? Oh thank the Lord they not forever I mean... Some moment are just.... I don't know... I don't know what to write in this blog, perhaps I should encourage you to be strong while I feel none of that, perhaps I should make a joke , I'm good at that while sitting deep down is a little girl crying her self out ". 

Where do I begin ? What oh what do I write about ? Should I just say like it is dear ? Then again who cares what I got to say? And that's what I'm going write about. 
My words. The very words that have the power of life and death but what do I know hey ? 

I recently was left with a fall in my heart, like a water fall but this was a different one, where loads of different emotions were falling inside of it, I had a question for God. Why do I speak when nothing I ever said matter ? Why? when I say something I'm other not right to feel this way or I should be more like Christ like" I just didn't understand anything. Let's rewind.... 

So about a week back I was faced with some hash words at me, where there was disagreement of choices I made because I felt God tell me to do. 
When a few people were very against this new choice I made I fell on my knees asking God if I heard right, if it was him !  I told him I wasn't going do this anymore because I didn't want any "drama " and I wanted to listen but as I prayed and and searched for answers I felt the Lord ask me , who do you believe in ? are you going disobey me because of others? Having these questions at me I felt like I had lost my faith, like I wasn't a child of God at all. 
Then God went deeper and told me though a drawing that I had "lost " my heart for his people. I was angry at God because I really do love people but when he showed me his plans I fell on my face begging for forgiveness ! 

The choice I had to make ? Well... As you all know I'm a Christian I believe in Jesus and I love him. 
I recently had some really some hash things happening at work when I decided to do something which my fellow Christian peeps were against which was praying with Muslims. I didn't like this idea but I felt the Lord encourage me to which I did. After one day praying with them I felt like something changed. I didn't pray to their God. I simply prayed in the same room but to Jesus. After a lot of people were against it I stoped in fear. my words to God was this. Lord if you want me to do this then you will send someone to tell me to pray with them. I left it at that. 

Just almost a week after it when God told me I lost my heart for his people a day latter a lady came up to me and told me that one of the ladies I prayed with was a Christian and that she turn to a Muslim. 

I was filled with angry. Because I knew at that moment God wanted me to speak into her life. While I was praying with them I notice that the one lady sounded like a Christian but I didn't pay attention. Now it made sense. I allow everyone around me to disobey God and to walk away from him. I had to show love and compassion to the Muslims. Because among them lay a fellow back slider which was me awhile back. I know I'm not there to save her. I can't save her. Only Jesus can. 

So the thought I leave with you is are we going listen to people or to God ? I guess when I saw God plan with all of this I was like Jesus you can't Use me. I'm a nobody and I'm struggling in my own struggles how can I speak and lead people to you when I myself am in a dark tunnel. 

God didn't call the saved to help the broken. God called the broken to help the broken.