Sunday, 10 December 2017

Healing, just happens to be... A process..

I was walking home when I heard a loud noise as I looked around I saw a tree fall down , it fell so hard that it made so much dust, I was super blown away ! 
As I thought about the tree falling down how the roots were so big it must have really been In the right place to be blown over, because it wasn't so windy . it got me thinking about healing and how it happens. 

Recently I had my boss get upset with me because I walked out of a series we have at church for healing. He was upset that I didnt allow God to heal me. I was super upset what he had to say because I had been upset with the fact I could allow myself to walk out, as I question God on why he hadn't healed me, he started showing me that healing doesn't happen over night or in just a moment, not the kind of healing I needed. 

Healing is a process, it never stops and if we were all healed we wouldn't need God. We need to be in the right place to be able to get all those thick roots out, however those roots only Jesus can get out. Nobody can get it out for you. While searching for answers I discovered getting to know Jesus was the answer to my healing. I needed to learn how to have a relationship with Jesus and be open with him. 

Jesus is gentle, he's not going force you and when you allow him he will open small wounds for you to deal with so you can move to the next big ones. Healing isn't a big step take but rather a small step take. Just like the tree needed to be in the right place, in the right season, needed the right rain, the right storms , the right dry days  we too need all of that.
 I disagree with anyone who tells me that healing can happen over night or over weekend. You can not label yourself as everyone else because you not. 
God going take us on a long healing and it starts with little steps. 

At the end of the day healing is a process and only Jesus can finish that process. 

Saturday, 25 November 2017

Giving it all to him

It All happen so fast and the next thing I knew it was having the hole line stop working, heads turning towards me and never will I forget that.. Eyes became huge, words became loud.. That moment of brokenness hitting me like a rock falling on my Head, I slowly walked out and went down stairs and broke down , I cried and cried for long that day and when I got home I fell in to buckets of tears... Nothing could change what happen... What happen ? For months I encounter bullying perhaps this got to me or perhaps it was the process i was in as I began to open some past events and face them, what ever it was it clearly was too much for me... I lay on my bed thinking about what happen, there we were my working partner and I in a disagreement which we often had, however this time as soon as she raised her voice, something inside of me snapped and all I can remember was hitting the table in front of us and screaming as loud as ever and the following moments that took place just broke me.... Oh how could this happen ? What was wrong with me ? How can I call myself a Christian and love God when clearly He can't love me... Oh how my pillow had loads of tears that night. 
the next day I didn't even go in to work as I was so ill, I took a walk to the shop and bought some pills and took some and went in to a deep sleep. My heart was broken, broken because I let Jesus down, my self and my boss's. I couldn't go on, I had all the reason to jump in front of the next train. This was the reason. I mean people were going talk and call me mad. I could never go back to work... As I awoke I felt the Lord encourage me to be strong.  As I went back the next day I saw my morning go in a slow vision, step by step I walked and everyone was staring at me. Whisper's among each person I pass, it was like a movie... A horror one, all the blades were cutting me deep and very much... I fell in to more tears and again I broke down i couldn't pull myself together.. Maybe this was it... My life was ending... As I try to gain some control my working partner "N" began to speak about what happen and how she knew I would never do something like this. She began to tell me she loved me and that what happen was in the past and people were shocked when she stood up for me. I mean most of them told her to take me to the lawyer, and to make a case against me however she will not, she won't hold anything against me. As I heard this I cried some more. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I screamed at her, completely lost it yet she was willing to forgive me.
The hole factory has since then can not believe we joke as normal and talk as normal because they so quick to hold something against you. 

As "n" and I ended our week she looked at me and said "cat" promise me you will talk to someone , I wanted to cry more... I reply: I will try. After the screaming event everyone asked her if she was alright yet nobody asked me if I was okay yet she knew I was not okay. 

Out of this huge event I learned that I should forgive myself and love myself , I learn that I shouldn't hold something against someone but to forgive them there. 
I also learned that without surrendering to Jesus that I could never hold it together. In fact I could only fall back to self harm and pills but with him I fall on my knees and cry out to him...I am yours... Heal me Lord...make me new...take my brokenness take it all. After all only he can. 

Friday, 17 November 2017

The twist is about to come out

Twist me one more time with some words and I'll break you with nothing but a voice that rocks the earth with many waves, twist me one more time with some hits and I'll break you with an ice cube breaking you in half, twist me one more time with the lies of masks of boys flipping me in to the mirrors of confusion... Oh no its out....out of the box...out of the closest... No riddles can hide this... No I can't even hide this... I tried for years... Living this lie....I can't keep living this way , a lie over one... And who am I ? Even the mirror laughs at me in make up because I can't hide it, hide all this guilt and what's worse....I don't even know where it's coming from... Is it from confusion... Is it because of my past .... Hit my head so I can forget this...I want nothing of this...I just want to be a good Christian and follow all the rules so I can go to heaven...is this not about that after all ? Not about me and what I want.... Not who I am or who I really am...oh no here I am again in riddles of nothing but lies.... Perhaps I should open heart to this idea and discover Jesus in the process... Perhaps I should just live and see... Open the door and come out of the shell.... Be pride of who I am and love me... Just maybe I will love me the real me...after all Jesus does....as I close my eyes I see one truth and one truth only... The me no one could love.... So I walk out of this shell...and love the person I am...and if its this is a season of self discovery then let it be. Let the twist of lies falls away and let the boy come out ! Let the tears fly high and let the hair come down, let the shorts come on the the dress's break apart and if this is insults anyone .... So be it.... But this is my life and here I am trying find out why Jesus loves me this way but hey I guess only this matters to me because my ears are blocked to all the twist that could hurt me. Only one twist... Twisting my shoes on and dancing in the love Jesus has for me. 3.....2.....1....here gos !

Friday, 3 November 2017

The lies we are not

All my life there has been so many lies and It has destroy my life, I believed these lies and became that. 
One of the biggest lies I ever believe was that I'm special needs / retarded and that I could not live a normal life, that I am allow to be treated "special" because of it and not face my actions of my choices. Well all this change when someone I look up to me spoke to me and simply said she does not believe I'm special needs, I dont remember much about what all said in that meeting I only remember those words that from that moment changed my hole life, I remember going though the thoughts of what am I going use an excuse now! It was always easy for me to place blame on this lie and on my past. When ever something went wrong I would blame this lie and say oh well I'm special and so I must be treated with care! 
I mean before this people often told me they didn't think I was special needs and that didnt really get to me but when this person told me it really did something to me. 

I Always remember fighting my aunts on this topic that I can live a normal life but as soon as something went wrong I would go back to these words. I decided I would no longer use this as an excuse but a testimony. I have fought many years of trying to live a normal life and often people ask Me what is normal ? I simply would say its having a job, paying bills and rent and doing what any adult would be doing.
My fights has lead to a lot of hurt in people lives because they simply believe that I'm special needs and that I must be in a "home" taken care of however I refuse to believe in this lie, in fact I have more testimony's of how I came to be but I'll share that other time! 

I believe that I am different in my own way but we are all different it does not mean we can't face our own difficult things or that we can't hold jobs and live normal lives and take care of ourselves. 

Today by the grace of Jesus Christ I have a job and I am living in my own space , I make my own food pay my own bills and rent, I wash my own stuff and face the real world on my own. I have been told I am one of the few people who are very street wise ! I have walked miles and miles and have come across beautiful townships in the cape! 

I'm writing this to tell every person who reading this that you are not the lie you are told ! If you told you too fat or Ugly, YOU ARE NOT! If you told that you can't do anything let me tell you that YOU CAN ! 

Believe the words that the Lord Jesus has spoken over you and that is Psalms 139 and many more ! 

Don't stop fighting for what you believe in! 

I fight every day in my own small ways and so can you ! Be strong ! 

Thursday, 2 November 2017

Self harm

I know you hurting, I know you not okay, I know you want to be loved so I'm just going be here and support you, I won't judge you, I love you. 

Ever want to hear those words ? Ever feel so alone and there nothing to live by ? Well I know how you feel because That's all I log for. To be love and not to be judge. 

Recently I shared with my small group that I'm a self harmer. A cutter. 
I will be more open about this in more of my blogs when I'm ready but I thought I would share on this subject and encourage those who struggle with this to know that You not alone. You are love. Reach out because there are people who care for you and remember just because you struggle with this doesn't mean you are not value. You are. 

So if I could write to you the self harmer, this is how it gos....

Dear you the one who finds yourself with blades of no hope, with tears passing its edge ready to break your pain away, hear me, read me, there is hope, be strong. Its okay everything will be okay. No matter how many cuts you make you still so very special. So to you the..
.. The one who is in a storm of blood and alone in a wall of blades remember... You not alone and that I love you ". 


Thursday, 26 October 2017

The flow can't keep me down

As I was walking up stairs with joy and thinking of God great wonders I came across to the top where 2 ladies were standing, the one grab me and the one hit me , at that point all my thoughts of God turn to angry thoughts, what took place remains a shock in me, after what happen I sat down and started to pray but some how nothing came out to God, it was as if I was swinging words to him but I couldn't hear them or speak them. 

Some how I found myself in a job where not only I'm unhappy but I get bully alot and some what I'm not protected, I ask God why he hasn't kept his promise where I will return to where I use to be and help people because I know I'm called for that and all I hear is a soft inner voice that "whispers wait on me "

In this time I should prepare my grave yard because if suicide isn't going kill me the people who bully me are so what the heck is God waiting for ? 

Oh just wait on the sky while the sun comes up and watch it bright the earth and people running with joy while I'm waiting in a box full of bullies,  I guess the best thing I could do is wait on him, I mean most people waited longer then 15years in the bible for their promise, and here I am waiting !

I'm greatful for my job, it pays my bills and covers my rent but I can't help but pray to spend all those hours helping people instead, I feel like I'm losing something as if I'm missing a huge part of my life, somewhere it stands there waiting for me in hidden waves of many strive battles and thats what its all about , the battles that will always remain, that will forever be there but it doesn't mean God isn't there , it doesn't mean Jesus doesn't love me because he does. 
So here I was sitting in prayer and as I over come the shock of what happen one thing remain and only one thing, "THE LORD JESUS IS WITH ME "
I guess I had that number one question we all ask if Jesus is with me and if he loves me why on earth would he allow this ? I guess that would be a huge blog that would most likely turn to nothing less but to turn this one in to something ness,

"Perhaps the wind isn't the wind perhaps its a heavy flow trying knock you down but the only thing about that is that the heavy flow will never be able to keep you down 👇".

Tuesday, 17 October 2017

God calls the broken

I look at the screen and my thoughts freeze like brain freeze but much colder and as I think about it I have become colder with no understand to any thing at this current moment... 
Moments what are they ? Why are they just moments? Why not forever ? Oh thank the Lord they not forever I mean... Some moment are just.... I don't know... I don't know what to write in this blog, perhaps I should encourage you to be strong while I feel none of that, perhaps I should make a joke , I'm good at that while sitting deep down is a little girl crying her self out ". 

Where do I begin ? What oh what do I write about ? Should I just say like it is dear ? Then again who cares what I got to say? And that's what I'm going write about. 
My words. The very words that have the power of life and death but what do I know hey ? 

I recently was left with a fall in my heart, like a water fall but this was a different one, where loads of different emotions were falling inside of it, I had a question for God. Why do I speak when nothing I ever said matter ? Why? when I say something I'm other not right to feel this way or I should be more like Christ like" I just didn't understand anything. Let's rewind.... 

So about a week back I was faced with some hash words at me, where there was disagreement of choices I made because I felt God tell me to do. 
When a few people were very against this new choice I made I fell on my knees asking God if I heard right, if it was him !  I told him I wasn't going do this anymore because I didn't want any "drama " and I wanted to listen but as I prayed and and searched for answers I felt the Lord ask me , who do you believe in ? are you going disobey me because of others? Having these questions at me I felt like I had lost my faith, like I wasn't a child of God at all. 
Then God went deeper and told me though a drawing that I had "lost " my heart for his people. I was angry at God because I really do love people but when he showed me his plans I fell on my face begging for forgiveness ! 

The choice I had to make ? Well... As you all know I'm a Christian I believe in Jesus and I love him. 
I recently had some really some hash things happening at work when I decided to do something which my fellow Christian peeps were against which was praying with Muslims. I didn't like this idea but I felt the Lord encourage me to which I did. After one day praying with them I felt like something changed. I didn't pray to their God. I simply prayed in the same room but to Jesus. After a lot of people were against it I stoped in fear. my words to God was this. Lord if you want me to do this then you will send someone to tell me to pray with them. I left it at that. 

Just almost a week after it when God told me I lost my heart for his people a day latter a lady came up to me and told me that one of the ladies I prayed with was a Christian and that she turn to a Muslim. 

I was filled with angry. Because I knew at that moment God wanted me to speak into her life. While I was praying with them I notice that the one lady sounded like a Christian but I didn't pay attention. Now it made sense. I allow everyone around me to disobey God and to walk away from him. I had to show love and compassion to the Muslims. Because among them lay a fellow back slider which was me awhile back. I know I'm not there to save her. I can't save her. Only Jesus can. 

So the thought I leave with you is are we going listen to people or to God ? I guess when I saw God plan with all of this I was like Jesus you can't Use me. I'm a nobody and I'm struggling in my own struggles how can I speak and lead people to you when I myself am in a dark tunnel. 

God didn't call the saved to help the broken. God called the broken to help the broken.