Saturday, 3 March 2018

4 weeks and a fresh start ( part one )

This week blog will highlight a few points in my frist weeks at the wellness program.

 I step in to my new dorm room that would be my home for 4 weeks, my fear became a living dream that began to start. 
I began a healing journey in therapy we will call it my ( wellness program) 

I began this program after my recent attempt with suicide. I came in there with a broken heart and a deep cry for help as I had given up on God. Deep down I knew I had given up on him. I wanted to be help in anyway but not by him. 

During my 4 week stay I would encounter pain from the past and a new me I would discover. 

I learnt to be a child again and I learnt I could be me without judgment. 

I had some news which started my 2nd week with a bang. 
For 6 days I cried and wanted to give up on the program, I also felt like I was all alone and believe so. 
The week was a hard week as the ones to follow would increase to be even harder. 
During weekends I went home and on the 18th of February in my 2nd week we had a guest speaker at our church. Though out the service I felt my soul wanted to break down. I just couldn't. I remember sitting there and felt the need to run up and re commit my life to Jesus. I felt pride to do so I Also felt I would be judge. I have walked away from Jesus so many times I started to be ashame of it. 

Perhaps walking away from Jesus was a good thing because it meant that I didn't stay away I kept trying find a way to cralw back in to his loving arms. 

That night I re commit my life to Jesus, it was a night I would not forget. Starting my 3rd week in the wellness program I felt so fresh and so at peace. 

Yet I had to face a friendship that was about to end. Again I felt alone. 

I realize I had so many set backs during the program. People were struggling with my suicide and they were struggling with the fact I was there, it made me even more weak because I was the one who encouraged everyone yet I  couldn't even encourage myself. 

I lost people during the 4 weeks yet I gain so much more. 
I created a new vision of myself a vision of fight and a vision with hope. 

I made some friends and we learnt so much from each other, some days we play pool, other days we colour in, then you get those days where we had a very long day in sessions and we all make a cup of coffee and sit under the stars with a cat and make jokes. 
Unity helped each of us to remain strong and have hope. 

One of the points that really stood out for me is unity.
Without unity you can not get though life and that's why Jesus created us so we could be there for each other and encourage each other. 

When someone struggles with mental illness they need unity but what the world does wrong is we push these people away and box them with labels yet all they long for is love. 

The devil try his best to break me even more yet behind those huge walls and fence 90% of the staff at my ward was Christians, not only was I even more protected But Jesus was by me from day one. I try running from him yet he had a plan in place to catch me again.

We can do our best running from Jesus but he will never ever give up on us. For his love is to strong for us.  

Saturday, 24 February 2018

The search is on

After my recent suicide attempt it has left a few people struggling with it even more how I struggle with it, I am currently in treatment and it has really help me a lot to discover a lot , about who I am as a person and who really cares for me. As soon as I went in to treatment a few people vanish and I was left alone , I was heart broken but I latter realize the people who stand by me are the only ones who matter. 

Its hard to get help when you watch the people around you struggle. I had to walk away from a friend because she lied to me , I thought perhaps she was struggling but even so being dishonest is not cool. 

As I find myself on a journey to healing I discover how much Jesus wasn't really part of this and how much I wanted him to be apart of this. 
It was hard for me to reach out to him because I was so ashamed and so guilty for my suicide attempt, I found myself really just not able to speak to him like I use to. 

When this past Sunday we had a speaker at church and as I was sitting I just knew I had to run up and re commit my life to Christ but I was scared I would be judged and I was pride. 

That night I recommitted my life to Christ and was touch by him. 
I became more hungry then ever. 
I started to search again for Jesus but in the word yet I struggle to. As I began to open up to a few people I had mix responses. I realize I was alone in this search , I wanted to stick to Jesus and remain committed but I didnt know how. I didnt know how to pray or read my bible anymore. I was just not getting the right food in. 

Life is hard, being a Christian is hard because you get many set backs and the devil will try his best to get you to quit and sadly I have given up a few times. Is it okay for me to give up? Well I think its okay for me to not be okay but I think its important for me to keep searching for Jesus and keep digging for him because only deep within will I find my break though.

Sunday, 4 February 2018

Big bang 2018

I don’t know what to write about…I don’t know  how to say it like it is…its like a block has hit my mind, blocking my thoughts and I am unable to say anything….is it even worth saying it? do people care? I have fallen and nobody…nobody can rescues me…Its been a huge bang in the new year lighting the sky with fire of brokenness….where do I even start…how do I even start…For months I watched myself be bully by people and be walked over, I lost any love I had for myself, I couldn’t be loved, what made it worse the leaders I look up to did nothing…they did not save me… I decided to quit my job for 2 reasons …1..because I felt the Lord say I should do the internship at our church and 2…I didn’t want to go back because of the bullying… quitting my job was a step of faith but…a step in to a huge storm about to hit me…I was left without work and a hope of growing in a church I loved so much….as I enter the building that I loved so much I would never realize that I would leave it in tears and heart broken…what was wrong with me….my heart fell apart after being told I could not do internship..The church I called home has just displayed a huge rejection…after all the set backs…after all the hurt I made the choice….The choice to end it all…I was done…I have been struggling with suicide but I could never do it because of fear but I wanted to die…I had started jumping in front of trains to prepare my self for the (Dday) I told people I was just doing it to deal with things but I knew the real reason…I had no job…I had lost some friendships and now I lost my church family…

I felt I lost my faith too, I felt I let people down by not serving where they wanted me to be, I felt like I became a (Sunday) Christian and that did not grow me. I was ready to give up.

I remember that week I saw my mentor and then she wanted to see me again, I wasn’t sure why because we only see each other once a month but I thought I could give her a proper goodbye  and decided to go see her on the Tuesday. I plan to go to church afterwards and leave a suicide note there and then jump in front of the train I wanted to send an ( I love you) message but I knew that would be a red flag so I thought a suicide note was okay. 

When d day came I felt nothing, my mind was in a dark place, nothing could stop me, even if I wanted to send a text help even the person wouldn’t be able to stop me. I didn’t care what jesus thought, I thought he would understand , I mean he the one who knows my pain surely he wanted it to end? I know I did,

I had my (last) breakfast and waited for the time. I was getting exited, knowing the rush would be great, I enjoyed the rush, but now I wasn’t going move when I jump in front of the train I was going remain still and that exited me.

As I entered the building which my mentor was in I felt no sadness, I felt nothing, I sat down and waited for her, as she came down I was glad to see her, I truly loved her, I still felt no emotions at all, it was like my mind went blank as we sat down and spoke the very next moments were going change my heart after we spoke for awhile she shared that I was at risk and that she did not feel it was safe for me to leave the building. She gave me a choice, she was going take me to the hospital or the police will… I couldn’t believe it, I was so shocked. I was so upset.

I spent 2 nights and a day at the hospital and then I was discharge as there weren’t any beds in a ward I was meant to go to. The term was that I go on pills and go in to treatment which I agree to. I had been fighting this for long time now I just gave in and was ready. I had nothing else but myself and I guess I should start fighting for myself because all the other things I was fighting for did not fight for me it was time to give them up and fight for me.

As I was sitting in our prayer room at church I  had to face angry and in that angry freedom, I was still hurting so much, so much happen so fast, my church family did hurt me so much, They said they did not reject me but you cant tell that to someone who faced so much rejection they will only see it as rejection.  I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the Lord house yet all this was happening so much pain so much tears,I was sure of one thing I was not glad I was alive still…I was angry that I was stopped, but it seem like the patch of darkness had left me and I had no will to jump in the train.. I was not sure if I was loved by the people I loved so much, but I knew running away in the past only lead to bitterness and isolation perhaps I had to choose a different path because the same thing seem as it was repeating over and over, I had been rejected by 2 churches before  perhaps instead of walking away I stayed and loved them.
For the next following weeks I would discover that people did love me and was super hurt by my actions.

Suicide has ruled me since the age of 9 and I want to rule it, I don’t know how but im going try fight for my life because I am loved, and the devil wants me to believe otherwise.
So my year has started with a huge bang and I don’t know what the future holds but I know Jesus holds it, I know he loves me no matter what I think of myself because he thinks I am amazing and worth dying for.

I wrote the following to help me fight and I hope it bless you.  

(Ill kick you down satan!
Ill knock you down!
Ill rip you apart with millions of prayers to the Lord,
Ill sing him a song,
Ill shout to him!
Ill praise you father!
Ill kick you down satan!
Ill knock you down!
Shut up devil !!
I am a child of God
I am his loving child
I am his bright and shining star!!!!!

Ill kick you down satan!!!)

Sunday, 31 December 2017

A new start

We just about to end the year 2017, its been one hard year but we entering in to a new year with a new start.
I would like to take this chance and thank all my supports and fans out there, without you my blogs will be nothing and ill have no reason to write but of course writing for Jesus is on top of the list!
I am bless to know that these blogs have reach over 2000 people worldwide, for me that’s big so thank you, you all are wonderful ! I will be adding a site up on word press and will be starting video blogs so please keep an eye out and please share these with anyone who you think will inspire, because my goal is to inspire as many people as I can!
Ill also like to say thank you to all the people who have given up on me and have rejected me, without you I wont be inspire to write about my pain and speak out so thank you for hurting me and for thinking the worse of me because it has grown me so much that I now look forward in to facing any rejection with 2 hands instead with close eyes!
Also a huge shout out to a family member who told me I should feel sorry for myself ..wait a huge shout out to all the family members who still have me in that monster box throwing all my faults at me, you the reason why one day ill end my life… because lets say it like is dear…you guys messed me up and now im trying fix me but I cant do that, only jesus can.
Thank you for hurting me, thank you for saying so many bad words and thank you for always giving up on me, means the world really, I get it, im such a monster I should go and jump in front of the next train right?
That’s where iv always had it soooo wrong, every time a family  member hurts me or says something so mean and hurt ill run to suicide and to self harm but I choose to run to jesus, he loves me even when I don’t love me.
Enough to those mean family cows…. I mess up but if I always hold on to all the mistakes iv made ill be dead honestly. You can not run a 30km run if you have chains tied on you so break those chains!
To the family members who do love me and keep in touch even when I fail you, thank you for loving me.
So that’s about it, say it like it is dear for 2017!
It’s a new start for each of you and open your hands for it with open eyes! Don’t let challenges break you instead let it build you, don’t let people walk over you, instead fly over them with love and most of all don’t let past hurt be the reason you cry today, cry today for today hurts not yesterday .
Be bless and see you all next year!

Sunday, 10 December 2017

Healing, just happens to be... A process..

I was walking home when I heard a loud noise as I looked around I saw a tree fall down , it fell so hard that it made so much dust, I was super blown away ! 
As I thought about the tree falling down how the roots were so big it must have really been In the right place to be blown over, because it wasn't so windy . it got me thinking about healing and how it happens. 

Recently I had my boss get upset with me because I walked out of a series we have at church for healing. He was upset that I didnt allow God to heal me. I was super upset what he had to say because I had been upset with the fact I could allow myself to walk out, as I question God on why he hadn't healed me, he started showing me that healing doesn't happen over night or in just a moment, not the kind of healing I needed. 

Healing is a process, it never stops and if we were all healed we wouldn't need God. We need to be in the right place to be able to get all those thick roots out, however those roots only Jesus can get out. Nobody can get it out for you. While searching for answers I discovered getting to know Jesus was the answer to my healing. I needed to learn how to have a relationship with Jesus and be open with him. 

Jesus is gentle, he's not going force you and when you allow him he will open small wounds for you to deal with so you can move to the next big ones. Healing isn't a big step take but rather a small step take. Just like the tree needed to be in the right place, in the right season, needed the right rain, the right storms , the right dry days  we too need all of that.
 I disagree with anyone who tells me that healing can happen over night or over weekend. You can not label yourself as everyone else because you not. 
God going take us on a long healing and it starts with little steps. 

At the end of the day healing is a process and only Jesus can finish that process. 

Saturday, 25 November 2017

Giving it all to him

It All happen so fast and the next thing I knew it was having the hole line stop working, heads turning towards me and never will I forget that.. Eyes became huge, words became loud.. That moment of brokenness hitting me like a rock falling on my Head, I slowly walked out and went down stairs and broke down , I cried and cried for long that day and when I got home I fell in to buckets of tears... Nothing could change what happen... What happen ? For months I encounter bullying perhaps this got to me or perhaps it was the process i was in as I began to open some past events and face them, what ever it was it clearly was too much for me... I lay on my bed thinking about what happen, there we were my working partner and I in a disagreement which we often had, however this time as soon as she raised her voice, something inside of me snapped and all I can remember was hitting the table in front of us and screaming as loud as ever and the following moments that took place just broke me.... Oh how could this happen ? What was wrong with me ? How can I call myself a Christian and love God when clearly He can't love me... Oh how my pillow had loads of tears that night. 
the next day I didn't even go in to work as I was so ill, I took a walk to the shop and bought some pills and took some and went in to a deep sleep. My heart was broken, broken because I let Jesus down, my self and my boss's. I couldn't go on, I had all the reason to jump in front of the next train. This was the reason. I mean people were going talk and call me mad. I could never go back to work... As I awoke I felt the Lord encourage me to be strong.  As I went back the next day I saw my morning go in a slow vision, step by step I walked and everyone was staring at me. Whisper's among each person I pass, it was like a movie... A horror one, all the blades were cutting me deep and very much... I fell in to more tears and again I broke down i couldn't pull myself together.. Maybe this was it... My life was ending... As I try to gain some control my working partner "N" began to speak about what happen and how she knew I would never do something like this. She began to tell me she loved me and that what happen was in the past and people were shocked when she stood up for me. I mean most of them told her to take me to the lawyer, and to make a case against me however she will not, she won't hold anything against me. As I heard this I cried some more. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I screamed at her, completely lost it yet she was willing to forgive me.
The hole factory has since then can not believe we joke as normal and talk as normal because they so quick to hold something against you. 

As "n" and I ended our week she looked at me and said "cat" promise me you will talk to someone , I wanted to cry more... I reply: I will try. After the screaming event everyone asked her if she was alright yet nobody asked me if I was okay yet she knew I was not okay. 

Out of this huge event I learned that I should forgive myself and love myself , I learn that I shouldn't hold something against someone but to forgive them there. 
I also learned that without surrendering to Jesus that I could never hold it together. In fact I could only fall back to self harm and pills but with him I fall on my knees and cry out to him...I am yours... Heal me Lord...make me new...take my brokenness take it all. After all only he can. 

Friday, 3 November 2017

The lies we are not

All my life there has been so many lies and It has destroy my life, I believed these lies and became that. 
One of the biggest lies I ever believe was that I'm special needs / retarded and that I could not live a normal life, that I am allow to be treated "special" because of it and not face my actions of my choices. Well all this change when someone I look up to me spoke to me and simply said she does not believe I'm special needs, I dont remember much about what all said in that meeting I only remember those words that from that moment changed my hole life, I remember going though the thoughts of what am I going use an excuse now! It was always easy for me to place blame on this lie and on my past. When ever something went wrong I would blame this lie and say oh well I'm special and so I must be treated with care! 
I mean before this people often told me they didn't think I was special needs and that didnt really get to me but when this person told me it really did something to me. 

I Always remember fighting my aunts on this topic that I can live a normal life but as soon as something went wrong I would go back to these words. I decided I would no longer use this as an excuse but a testimony. I have fought many years of trying to live a normal life and often people ask Me what is normal ? I simply would say its having a job, paying bills and rent and doing what any adult would be doing.
My fights has lead to a lot of hurt in people lives because they simply believe that I'm special needs and that I must be in a "home" taken care of however I refuse to believe in this lie, in fact I have more testimony's of how I came to be but I'll share that other time! 

I believe that I am different in my own way but we are all different it does not mean we can't face our own difficult things or that we can't hold jobs and live normal lives and take care of ourselves. 

Today by the grace of Jesus Christ I have a job and I am living in my own space , I make my own food pay my own bills and rent, I wash my own stuff and face the real world on my own. I have been told I am one of the few people who are very street wise ! I have walked miles and miles and have come across beautiful townships in the cape! 

I'm writing this to tell every person who reading this that you are not the lie you are told ! If you told you too fat or Ugly, YOU ARE NOT! If you told that you can't do anything let me tell you that YOU CAN ! 

Believe the words that the Lord Jesus has spoken over you and that is Psalms 139 and many more ! 

Don't stop fighting for what you believe in! 

I fight every day in my own small ways and so can you ! Be strong !