I threw the seeds in to the mud never allowing them to grow, I threw the rocks in to the water never giving them a chance to be build, maybe a happy house? But even a happy house I threw in to a paper of no hopes drawing nothing but pain, makes no sense but nothing ever does? I threw the apples in to the lemon juice only to increase the sweetness of pain but hey who knew that the tree had hands and swag and saved the apple after all…
Monday, 12 December 2016
Recently I discovered my church does not celebrate Christmas, it has left me with lots of confusion, as someone who follows jesus I try to follow the ways of his and praise God but this has left me with a hard choice of leaving this church. I think its unfair I should visit other churchs when I made a commitment to this church while they take a break… yes they even close during this time. When people need jesus, they need the church this church closes it doors.
Growing up I never believed in Jesus but at school they always had christmas plays which I hated, but loved at the same time. Though out the years I became more keen on the idea and enjoy it, but then I was faced with the most horrible thing that happen to me on Christmas day back in 2012 since then I struggle to even like Christmas but this is not about me its about Jesus and what he did for us.
He came and was born in a manger, what happen during his birth is something to remember and to be praised. Why would jesus not want us to praise him for what he did? Lets take a look at what the bible tells us.
Mathew 1. 28-25
This is how the birth of Jesus the Messiah came about : His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be pregnant through the Holy Spirit.
19 Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.
20 But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit.
21 She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.”
22 All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet:
23 “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel” (which means “God with us”).
24 When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife.
25 But he did not consummate their marriage until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus.
Take a look at the miracle in the above passage, number one mary was a virgin, how amazing is that as to what to follow when the angel showed up at joseph and spoke to him then joseph leaving and going to a much safer place I also love the fact that joseph waited for his marriage only a Godly man would do that! A normal man would leave her and marry someone else!
To be honest I struggle to understand a lot of the bible but I don’t think God would be mad at us at celebrating the birth of jesus Christ. It gives him glory and it brings people to Christ.
Why would God be so mad at us brining people to him? Is that not his plan? I choose to celebrate jesus, what he did was amazing and I give him praise for that. We should never limit him and we should never stop giving him glory I remember sitting down with my leader and asking her these questions and she asked me don’t the people need a break? Am I not selfish? I left thinking I wonder if she knows that the devil is not on a break and I think he enjoys the fact that the church closes on Christmas season. If he had his way he close all the churchs ! maybe I was being selfish among other things I spoke about was the church failing to help me, it leaves me to more questions, I don’t know what is right or what is wrong but I know one thing is that my jesus who is my God would never agree with such a thing no matter how small a church is or how little the people there are, the devil is all over and he awaits like a prey lion ready to grab God children should we allow him to do this? ? Its easy for people to get saved but how many people remain saved? Should that not be our goal?
Wednesday, 30 November 2016
The blue car with hope but with none at all… the blue car with light but with none at all… the blue car broke me and left me with a heart of hardness, it tore me in to shadow deeps of green pillars unable to make sense, the blue car drove off and left me with nothing but ice, im frozen with seeds of garlic only to chase everyone away, the blue car took and turn and drove in front of me, with no vision it knock me down and left me for the dead and as I lay there, lions enter and grab me step by step and rip me apart and killed me leaving my bones to be discover by no one but the blue car who drove away
You walked in to my life and in to it you showed me jesus but then you walked out and showed me the devil only to throw me with rocks building walls, like the notes I write over and over, ill grab a guitar and break it and sing you a song and tell you how much you have broken like the trees bashing along the old house of little towns oh how I could just sit you down and speak like an apple would to a lemon but really im left with so much hurt which is caused by my doing, you walked in to my life and into it you showed me jesus but then you walked out and showed me the devil only to throw me with rocks of building walls, like the paper I tore you tore me in half, only bashed me in to scars of war, like a war zone hitting me with lines of green balls, oh how I could grab your holy book and hit you in the face with the words of truth but really but who owns my heart is it jesus? Because clearly all I see is you in visions over and over and all I see is waves of you letting me go so I could die BUT I walked into your life and chose to fight even when you chose to walk away..
Wednesday, 23 November 2016
Dear Jesus with the say like it is oh does this make any sense? Nothing ever does, like the leader who judges me before I could even explain to her why but why does my words matter? Im just angry right Jesus? Useless really like the fig trees among the apple tress oh Jesus teach me to pick them because I really cant keep picking lemons only but hey I seem to like the poison in my life and its killing me like all these secrets why cant I just be open and have everyone support oh Jesus send me the right people that will never walk away from me because of my illness because dear Jesus with any of my words and if you can hear any of this I beg you its getting pretty lonely here and its getting pretty heavy like the chains that carry me which cover my joy of any smile, I cant smile not when the person I care about walks pass me without even a hello in the holy temple! Oh Jesus help me not withdrawal from any of this because I know this is the real deal but is it worth trying to fight any of it if im not wanted? Dear Jesus speak to everyone who wants to see me out and dead make them pure! Reach their hearts and Jesus take me deeper help me know you because dear Jesus I really don’t…
Thursday, 17 November 2016
I think friendships are over rated, honesty a few months back I had to face a friend who not only betrayed me but was happy that she did this, she went on being the victim and still doing her dirty sins, it broke me but it broke me because I allow it to.
To this day she thinks that what she did was okay when by the bible it was not but who am I to judge? We not perfect right? Well I thinks that’s bull because even when we make mistakes it doesn’t mean we can go around hurting people over and over and shouting I AM NOT PERFECT.
Lets face the truth dear that no friendship is perfect but to lie and betray your very close friend is like asking for a ticket to hell, I mean really look at where judas is? In hell because he chose to betray Jesus that’s just my take on it because I think friendships are over rated, When you searching for a friend it shouldn’t be because of the job they have or high they are or how well they doing oh no it should be because of the person which offers unique things but hey what happen to that? Gone like the wind in trees like kites that get stuck. I remember asking someone to be my friend which happen to be my therapist at the time her dead answer was no and boy did she break her own rules by being someone friend and she their therapist, I really had to ask God what on earth? And then he showed me that no matter how many people turn you down because you not good enough you good enough for him and that should be enough for you.
Today I am VERY careful who I call (friend) the only friend I have is Jesus and we still trying to work on a perfect friendship at least im not running to him every time I mess up and say but hey Jesus I am sorry im not perfect instead I run to him and say Jesus I so messed up help me work this out!
How many people can say that really?
Wednesday, 16 November 2016
I want to fly in the healing and find answers, answers that will lead to close doors of great pain, I want to fly in the healing and find answers, answers that will lead me to the help I seek, help that will restore everything, I want to fly in the healing and find answers, answers that will lead to visions of grace and love with no turning back the devil stands before me and laughs you just going fail again but I grab the book of life and start flying in to more questions and more healing but even that is not good enough for me, I want to fly in the healing and find answers, answers that will lead me to never running but facing every pain from birth to now, I want to fly in the healing and find answers, answers that will bless a world nations who seeks answers, I want to fly in the healing and never return….
Tuesday, 15 November 2016
Dear Jesus, help me understand your plans, because I don’t, understand any of this suffering, as I walk in and out of church with laughter around me I am suffering, as the words being one hits the preachers stand I ask you Jesus help me understand, all of this , like the bees making honey only to be stolen by people who haven’t even worked for it, dear Jesus help me see this different, help me speak in a brave voice, I don’t understand any of this suffering, oh Lord, help me seek the truth and be nice about it as well, dear Jesus help me understand all the questions I have for you even when I close the bible every time someone hurts me, help me get deeper, like the sea which holds so many things, I don’t understand any of this suffering, week by week pass and I sit in church and im dying and everyone around me is alive, help me Lord understand any of this…dear Jesus help me understand your plans because I don’t, understand any of this suffering, as I walk in and out of the green building who keeps rejecting me, I ask myself why Jesus, help me understand all of this suffering Oh Lord, understand the people who want to see me fall, but I don’t even understand why my family want me to fall let alone my new green family oh dear Jesus help me to love them even when I want to punch them and correct their wrongs, help me Jesus understand their ways, help me forgive them Oh Jesus help me reach their heart even when they are blind to mine, help them see that I love them , dear Jesus help me understand any of this….
Monday, 14 November 2016
She looked me in the eyes and asked me what my story is, only 18 months latter to reject me but really what was her message of grace only to throw me down the drain? Only to walk away from me when she couldn’t handle me, she drives the blue car, the car of hope only to drive me over with rejection filling me with my own knifes of pain, she looked me in the eyes and asked me what my story is, only 18 months latter to reject me but really what was her message of grace only to throw me in a Conner of walls, blocking me from even reaching out, she shuts me down with doors of blindness, unable to breath , she drives off with the blue car, the car of grace only to never return, leaving me for the dead, she looked me in the eyes and asked me what my story is, only 18months latter to reject me but really what was her message of jesus towards me did I really do this to jesus only leaving him dead on the cross and yet he forgave me? She looked me in the eyes and asked me what my story only to change my life forever without even knowing it….
Friday, 11 November 2016
I want to dance again, I want to lift my arms and praise you, I want to jump and land in your arms, oh how I log to dance again, as I watch those dance before me, I remember the words spoken over me, how ill never dance, but oh how I log to dance again, to put my bailey shoes on again and fly in the air and praise you, oh I want to dance again, I want to lift my arms and praise you, I want to jump and land In your arms, oh how I log to dance again , as I watch those dance before me, I remember flying in the air and dancing with passion, oh I want to dance again.
I search day and night, with question after question, all alone with no one to answer me, I search day and night, with ways of truth, all alone with no one to help me, I search day and night, as the stars are so bright I find some hope, hope in the cross, of healing and truth,
Oh give me Jesus,
Let me touch him
Let him heal me,
And all I want to do is dance in his never ending love,
I search day and night, with question after question all alone with no one to answer me, I search day and night with ways of truth, all alone, with no one to help me, I search day and night and he lifts me up and I rediscover his love all over again,
Oh give me Jesus,
Let me touch him
Let him heal me
And all I want to do is dance in his never ending love!
Tuesday, 8 November 2016
Ball down the walls, throw them with the truth of balls, hitting them with color of pain and abit of tough love, ball down the walls, throw them with choices of many balls hitting them with books of healing, healing hidden in the stubbornness of many, only to blind their eyes with bats, they called themselves friends, helpers, Godly people only to hit me with their steer balls of impossible goals, ball down the walls, throw them with buckets of water so they could awake from their judgment selves, so they could lend a hand instead of closing the door to the homeless, ball down the walls , throw them with the truth of balls, hitting them with color of open wounds, shut them out and kill them with your pain, paint them with the bitterness they caused you, only to tie you down with their balls of steer, ball down the walls, throw them with the truth of balls hitting them with nothing but bricks, only to burn them down with your words of anger, ball down the walls, throw them with the truth of balls hitting them only to chase them away when all you want is a hug from them to tell you they love you.
I live in a world where im not wanted, filled with different people on different missions and different goals, I live in a world where im not wanted, filled with different people, on a path of truth or full of lies, other way it’s the way of life, filled with open doors and closed doors, I live in a world where im not wanted, filled with many rejections only to throw me with books of lies and religions never following the truth and what is the truth? Is it a green ball bouncing from place to other refusing to help the ground? I live in a world where im not wanted, filled with different roads and dead ends while green weeds grow on the signs of the old ones. Never to be pulled out, I live in a world where im not wanted, force in to a make belief only to fall in to a hole trying dig a new way out but I live in a world where im not wanted…
Wednesday, 2 November 2016
She gives me the impossible goals, they give me a single of pins thrown in to my face, they sit and tell me they cant help me, jesus living in them, oh no I didn’t…. bring up the name of the most high…in the mess of the darkness, she gives me hope at the same time she signs my death note and prepares my grave ready to celebrate they worship God and praise him, oh no I didn’t… bring up the name of the most high…in this mess of darkness, she gives me the will to find a cure for this uncured illness, with research after research filling my nights of writings im unable to find a cure, leaving me in deadly shadows, they wait on me ready with knifes and shells to bend me in bowls of scars, she gives me nothing but light to the living God , with nothing but written words I find myself in his books of life only to find no hope, and then it hit me….she gives me the impossible goals only to prepare me for the grave…
Friday, 14 October 2016
Giving up can be easy but hard, how do you just quit when you have so much to prove? Its easy to walk away and hide away from the pain but you cant run away forever, there will be a time when you faced with a choice, a choice to quit and prove everyone right who gave up on you, who failed you and betrayed you, or you can make a choice to change the Patten of failing over and over, you can step up and choose to walk In a different road, sometimes you have to make a hard choice because nothing matters but getting better, we all sick in some way but we have the choice to believe in 2 things , the choice of believing in something that doesn’t work or having faith in God who will heal you, this choice will lead you on a road where people believe different but you need to make a commitment if you do this you will get better, doesn’t make sense? Nothing ever do, like giving up , closing your eyes from the pain of people walking away and giving up on you, but you know what love them anyway…. Forgive them anyway, forgiveness is a need, just like shoes is a need to go out and walk in what the weather throws at you, the same go’s with forgiveness. Life is going throw you many rocks but you know what you have a choice. Choose the one that makes sense.
Saturday, 24 September 2016
Have you ever reach the poor? Have you ever thought about that word and what it really means? Have you ever thought about the fact that it could mean so much more? Poor, the word says it all, have you ever seen someone without a friend? Have you ever seen someone without a family? Have you ever seen someone without a smile? Or have you seen someone without love? Have you ever thought just maybe we all poor and we all have nothing, some of us has no friends, some of us has no family, some of us has no love , no hope…have you ever thought about giving this to someone? Maybe just maybe life isn’t all about money but maybe its all about the need …have you ever given someone your hand? Have you ever given someone your ears? Have your ever….given someone your eyes? Have you ever given someone your heart? Have you ever thought about the word poor? Have you ever…reach the poor?
Monday, 19 September 2016
Forgiveness is often spoken and how we should forgive because it is healthy for us, it sets us free and helps us move forward. Recently I had to take a ride and do something odd, that I found online I could do, I got a glass bottle and some paper and wrote about who hurt me, what they did to hurt me, I just vented it all out, I then simply said I forgave them, saying those words are so painful because they caused such pain to me, I placed it in a bottle and then I went to a far place with the sea and loads of rocks and what I did was smash the bottle in to the rocks and it went right in to the sea.
It was my letting going, I couldn’t change anything, what happen happen, people hurt us but we need to find some way of letting it go no matter how anger we are, I had to start looking at how I could forgive myself because honestly I hated myself even more, it only made me bitter and I needed to let that go.
How can we forgive?
We need to Identify our Hurt.
- Describe the event.
- Write briefly how you felt and reacted to the event in the days following it.
- Write briefly about things related to the event that have happened since it occurred that have affected your current feelings and motivations.
How we deal with this hurt will have an impact not only on us but on the people around us. The types of forgiveness forgiveness is tied to making a decision to forgive those who harm us. That decision binds us to treat the person who hurt us as a person of value rather than acting negatively toward the person. However, experiencing emotional forgiveness might take longer than deciding to forgive. A person might sincerely decide to forgive-holding perfectly to his or her resolve not to harm the offender-but at the same time might not fully experience emotional forgiveness. It is believed that decisional and emotional forgiveness, while sometimes occurring together, are two different processes that can occur at different times. In fact, some people can experience one and never experience the other.
I recently learnt a new way to forgive and would like to share this with you, Its called (REACH)
· Although making a decision to forgive is necessary, it is not sufficient to really change. You need to REACH forgiveness to change. The REACH forgiveness has 5 steps:
Recall the hurt through imagination
Empathize with, sympathize with, feel compassion for, and/or love the one who hurt you
Give an altruistic gift of forgiveness
Commit to the forgiveness you experienced
Hold on to forgiveness when you doubt
Why should we forgive? As I said it is such a very important act to do not only for our health but for the people who are around us. Forgiving doesn’t mean what the other person did was right but it sets us free from being a prison.
Thursday, 15 September 2016
My pain, I don’t even know how to write about it, I just stare at the mirror and ask myself what happen to me? Who am I, am I pillar of lies based on religion? Or am I pillar of liars of a labels given me at birth? Just who am I really? I look at the people I once call family, I called them green, I called them hope, they gave me something to believe in, something to hold on to, and now I have nothing to hold on to, but their lies of rejections and the pain they have caused me,… I don’t even know how to write about it, its like the wind, from the south to the east, nothing makes sense not even the man who gave me some light only to throw me with darkness, not even my friend who showed me what a sister is like, only to throw me with betrayal, nothing makes sense, and that’s sad…. My pain I don’t even know how to write about it, I just stare at the mirror and watch me fall apart, reaching out for help and there is no one at all, so I walk with something in my hands killing me day by day, like the weapons of lies given to me at birth making no sense, could I just save myself, could I be the hero of me, or maybe just maybe…..there a hero out there ready….to grab my pain that I don’t even know how to write about….
Tuesday, 23 August 2016
You know what I think about different people? Well I am one of them, as the snail taking things slow so do I, but really what do I know about going fast, only the force of therapist trying to increase my journey but really they are full….full of blind…tissues, but really can I use one for my tears? I walk everywhere and everywhere people shout freak but really, its like being on mars full of no air to breath, as if times im dead but honestly I am dead, tick tock you know what I think about different people, they are so to be treated differently with love but hey blind people have no idea how their actions can effect someone recovery but really….say like it is…dear
You know what I think about walls that people carry around? They create them slide by slide and pick each side so very well, as if they knew long ago how it was going be build, you know what I think about people with their degrees who try to read you like a book only to fail you and throw away for 3 months if not longer but hey what do I know? People see me walking and stare at me and shout freak! You know what I think about people giving up on something with no passion for their work, its full of cardboard boxes really….boxes build with walls with no personal hope really… you know what I think about love? Love flowing to what so ever, I mean really love is like a tree, it first needs to be plated, then to be water then the roots need to grow and then ….it need to grow… but really what is love, you know what I think about walls that people carry around? There no love in them at all….say like it is….Dear...
You know what I think? I think we live on a flat earth and the world lies to us about it being round, but hey what do I know about the world? Honest what do I know besides some clouds covering my thoughts, the people that walk pass me they stare and shout freak! But hey what do I know….with a little bit of fire in the air I think that we focus our minds on the wrong things, but really, we hardly focus on the truth? And what is the truth? A man hitting a woman and telling her to say nothing and getting away with it? Or what about a friend who lies about you behide your back? Oh boy we live in a world that is full of lies and oh boy do I hate lies….but then again you know what I think? I think we live on a flat earth and the world lies to us about us being round but hey what do I know about the world…then say like it is dear…