The blue car with hope but with none at all… the blue car with light but with none at all… the blue car broke me and left me with a heart of hardness, it tore me in to shadow deeps of green pillars unable to make sense, the blue car drove off and left me with nothing but ice, im frozen with seeds of garlic only to chase everyone away, the blue car took and turn and drove in front of me, with no vision it knock me down and left me for the dead and as I lay there, lions enter and grab me step by step and rip me apart and killed me leaving my bones to be discover by no one but the blue car who drove away
Wednesday, 30 November 2016
You walked in to my life and in to it you showed me jesus but then you walked out and showed me the devil only to throw me with rocks building walls, like the notes I write over and over, ill grab a guitar and break it and sing you a song and tell you how much you have broken like the trees bashing along the old house of little towns oh how I could just sit you down and speak like an apple would to a lemon but really im left with so much hurt which is caused by my doing, you walked in to my life and into it you showed me jesus but then you walked out and showed me the devil only to throw me with rocks of building walls, like the paper I tore you tore me in half, only bashed me in to scars of war, like a war zone hitting me with lines of green balls, oh how I could grab your holy book and hit you in the face with the words of truth but really but who owns my heart is it jesus? Because clearly all I see is you in visions over and over and all I see is waves of you letting me go so I could die BUT I walked into your life and chose to fight even when you chose to walk away..
Wednesday, 23 November 2016
Dear Jesus with the say like it is oh does this make any sense? Nothing ever does, like the leader who judges me before I could even explain to her why but why does my words matter? Im just angry right Jesus? Useless really like the fig trees among the apple tress oh Jesus teach me to pick them because I really cant keep picking lemons only but hey I seem to like the poison in my life and its killing me like all these secrets why cant I just be open and have everyone support oh Jesus send me the right people that will never walk away from me because of my illness because dear Jesus with any of my words and if you can hear any of this I beg you its getting pretty lonely here and its getting pretty heavy like the chains that carry me which cover my joy of any smile, I cant smile not when the person I care about walks pass me without even a hello in the holy temple! Oh Jesus help me not withdrawal from any of this because I know this is the real deal but is it worth trying to fight any of it if im not wanted? Dear Jesus speak to everyone who wants to see me out and dead make them pure! Reach their hearts and Jesus take me deeper help me know you because dear Jesus I really don’t…
Thursday, 17 November 2016
I think friendships are over rated, honesty a few months back I had to face a friend who not only betrayed me but was happy that she did this, she went on being the victim and still doing her dirty sins, it broke me but it broke me because I allow it to.
To this day she thinks that what she did was okay when by the bible it was not but who am I to judge? We not perfect right? Well I thinks that’s bull because even when we make mistakes it doesn’t mean we can go around hurting people over and over and shouting I AM NOT PERFECT.
Lets face the truth dear that no friendship is perfect but to lie and betray your very close friend is like asking for a ticket to hell, I mean really look at where judas is? In hell because he chose to betray Jesus that’s just my take on it because I think friendships are over rated, When you searching for a friend it shouldn’t be because of the job they have or high they are or how well they doing oh no it should be because of the person which offers unique things but hey what happen to that? Gone like the wind in trees like kites that get stuck. I remember asking someone to be my friend which happen to be my therapist at the time her dead answer was no and boy did she break her own rules by being someone friend and she their therapist, I really had to ask God what on earth? And then he showed me that no matter how many people turn you down because you not good enough you good enough for him and that should be enough for you.
Today I am VERY careful who I call (friend) the only friend I have is Jesus and we still trying to work on a perfect friendship at least im not running to him every time I mess up and say but hey Jesus I am sorry im not perfect instead I run to him and say Jesus I so messed up help me work this out!
How many people can say that really?
Wednesday, 16 November 2016
I want to fly in the healing and find answers, answers that will lead to close doors of great pain, I want to fly in the healing and find answers, answers that will lead me to the help I seek, help that will restore everything, I want to fly in the healing and find answers, answers that will lead to visions of grace and love with no turning back the devil stands before me and laughs you just going fail again but I grab the book of life and start flying in to more questions and more healing but even that is not good enough for me, I want to fly in the healing and find answers, answers that will lead me to never running but facing every pain from birth to now, I want to fly in the healing and find answers, answers that will bless a world nations who seeks answers, I want to fly in the healing and never return….
Tuesday, 15 November 2016
Dear Jesus, help me understand your plans, because I don’t, understand any of this suffering, as I walk in and out of church with laughter around me I am suffering, as the words being one hits the preachers stand I ask you Jesus help me understand, all of this , like the bees making honey only to be stolen by people who haven’t even worked for it, dear Jesus help me see this different, help me speak in a brave voice, I don’t understand any of this suffering, oh Lord, help me seek the truth and be nice about it as well, dear Jesus help me understand all the questions I have for you even when I close the bible every time someone hurts me, help me get deeper, like the sea which holds so many things, I don’t understand any of this suffering, week by week pass and I sit in church and im dying and everyone around me is alive, help me Lord understand any of this…dear Jesus help me understand your plans because I don’t, understand any of this suffering, as I walk in and out of the green building who keeps rejecting me, I ask myself why Jesus, help me understand all of this suffering Oh Lord, understand the people who want to see me fall, but I don’t even understand why my family want me to fall let alone my new green family oh dear Jesus help me to love them even when I want to punch them and correct their wrongs, help me Jesus understand their ways, help me forgive them Oh Jesus help me reach their heart even when they are blind to mine, help them see that I love them , dear Jesus help me understand any of this….
Monday, 14 November 2016
She looked me in the eyes and asked me what my story is, only 18 months latter to reject me but really what was her message of grace only to throw me down the drain? Only to walk away from me when she couldn’t handle me, she drives the blue car, the car of hope only to drive me over with rejection filling me with my own knifes of pain, she looked me in the eyes and asked me what my story is, only 18 months latter to reject me but really what was her message of grace only to throw me in a Conner of walls, blocking me from even reaching out, she shuts me down with doors of blindness, unable to breath , she drives off with the blue car, the car of grace only to never return, leaving me for the dead, she looked me in the eyes and asked me what my story is, only 18months latter to reject me but really what was her message of jesus towards me did I really do this to jesus only leaving him dead on the cross and yet he forgave me? She looked me in the eyes and asked me what my story only to change my life forever without even knowing it….
Friday, 11 November 2016
I want to dance again, I want to lift my arms and praise you, I want to jump and land in your arms, oh how I log to dance again, as I watch those dance before me, I remember the words spoken over me, how ill never dance, but oh how I log to dance again, to put my bailey shoes on again and fly in the air and praise you, oh I want to dance again, I want to lift my arms and praise you, I want to jump and land In your arms, oh how I log to dance again , as I watch those dance before me, I remember flying in the air and dancing with passion, oh I want to dance again.
I search day and night, with question after question, all alone with no one to answer me, I search day and night, with ways of truth, all alone with no one to help me, I search day and night, as the stars are so bright I find some hope, hope in the cross, of healing and truth,
Oh give me Jesus,
Let me touch him
Let him heal me,
And all I want to do is dance in his never ending love,
I search day and night, with question after question all alone with no one to answer me, I search day and night with ways of truth, all alone, with no one to help me, I search day and night and he lifts me up and I rediscover his love all over again,
Oh give me Jesus,
Let me touch him
Let him heal me
And all I want to do is dance in his never ending love!
Tuesday, 8 November 2016
Ball down the walls, throw them with the truth of balls, hitting them with color of pain and abit of tough love, ball down the walls, throw them with choices of many balls hitting them with books of healing, healing hidden in the stubbornness of many, only to blind their eyes with bats, they called themselves friends, helpers, Godly people only to hit me with their steer balls of impossible goals, ball down the walls, throw them with buckets of water so they could awake from their judgment selves, so they could lend a hand instead of closing the door to the homeless, ball down the walls , throw them with the truth of balls, hitting them with color of open wounds, shut them out and kill them with your pain, paint them with the bitterness they caused you, only to tie you down with their balls of steer, ball down the walls, throw them with the truth of balls hitting them with nothing but bricks, only to burn them down with your words of anger, ball down the walls, throw them with the truth of balls hitting them only to chase them away when all you want is a hug from them to tell you they love you.
I live in a world where im not wanted, filled with different people on different missions and different goals, I live in a world where im not wanted, filled with different people, on a path of truth or full of lies, other way it’s the way of life, filled with open doors and closed doors, I live in a world where im not wanted, filled with many rejections only to throw me with books of lies and religions never following the truth and what is the truth? Is it a green ball bouncing from place to other refusing to help the ground? I live in a world where im not wanted, filled with different roads and dead ends while green weeds grow on the signs of the old ones. Never to be pulled out, I live in a world where im not wanted, force in to a make belief only to fall in to a hole trying dig a new way out but I live in a world where im not wanted…
Wednesday, 2 November 2016
She gives me the impossible goals, they give me a single of pins thrown in to my face, they sit and tell me they cant help me, jesus living in them, oh no I didn’t…. bring up the name of the most high…in the mess of the darkness, she gives me hope at the same time she signs my death note and prepares my grave ready to celebrate they worship God and praise him, oh no I didn’t… bring up the name of the most high…in this mess of darkness, she gives me the will to find a cure for this uncured illness, with research after research filling my nights of writings im unable to find a cure, leaving me in deadly shadows, they wait on me ready with knifes and shells to bend me in bowls of scars, she gives me nothing but light to the living God , with nothing but written words I find myself in his books of life only to find no hope, and then it hit me….she gives me the impossible goals only to prepare me for the grave…