Sunday, 31 December 2017

A new start

We just about to end the year 2017, its been one hard year but we entering in to a new year with a new start.
I would like to take this chance and thank all my supports and fans out there, without you my blogs will be nothing and ill have no reason to write but of course writing for Jesus is on top of the list!
I am bless to know that these blogs have reach over 2000 people worldwide, for me that’s big so thank you, you all are wonderful ! I will be adding a site up on word press and will be starting video blogs so please keep an eye out and please share these with anyone who you think will inspire, because my goal is to inspire as many people as I can!
Ill also like to say thank you to all the people who have given up on me and have rejected me, without you I wont be inspire to write about my pain and speak out so thank you for hurting me and for thinking the worse of me because it has grown me so much that I now look forward in to facing any rejection with 2 hands instead with close eyes!
Also a huge shout out to a family member who told me I should feel sorry for myself ..wait a huge shout out to all the family members who still have me in that monster box throwing all my faults at me, you the reason why one day ill end my life… because lets say it like is dear…you guys messed me up and now im trying fix me but I cant do that, only jesus can.
Thank you for hurting me, thank you for saying so many bad words and thank you for always giving up on me, means the world really, I get it, im such a monster I should go and jump in front of the next train right?
That’s where iv always had it soooo wrong, every time a family  member hurts me or says something so mean and hurt ill run to suicide and to self harm but I choose to run to jesus, he loves me even when I don’t love me.
Enough to those mean family cows…. I mess up but if I always hold on to all the mistakes iv made ill be dead honestly. You can not run a 30km run if you have chains tied on you so break those chains!
To the family members who do love me and keep in touch even when I fail you, thank you for loving me.
So that’s about it, say it like it is dear for 2017!
It’s a new start for each of you and open your hands for it with open eyes! Don’t let challenges break you instead let it build you, don’t let people walk over you, instead fly over them with love and most of all don’t let past hurt be the reason you cry today, cry today for today hurts not yesterday .
Be bless and see you all next year!

Sunday, 10 December 2017

Healing, just happens to be... A process..

I was walking home when I heard a loud noise as I looked around I saw a tree fall down , it fell so hard that it made so much dust, I was super blown away ! 
As I thought about the tree falling down how the roots were so big it must have really been In the right place to be blown over, because it wasn't so windy . it got me thinking about healing and how it happens. 

Recently I had my boss get upset with me because I walked out of a series we have at church for healing. He was upset that I didnt allow God to heal me. I was super upset what he had to say because I had been upset with the fact I could allow myself to walk out, as I question God on why he hadn't healed me, he started showing me that healing doesn't happen over night or in just a moment, not the kind of healing I needed. 

Healing is a process, it never stops and if we were all healed we wouldn't need God. We need to be in the right place to be able to get all those thick roots out, however those roots only Jesus can get out. Nobody can get it out for you. While searching for answers I discovered getting to know Jesus was the answer to my healing. I needed to learn how to have a relationship with Jesus and be open with him. 

Jesus is gentle, he's not going force you and when you allow him he will open small wounds for you to deal with so you can move to the next big ones. Healing isn't a big step take but rather a small step take. Just like the tree needed to be in the right place, in the right season, needed the right rain, the right storms , the right dry days  we too need all of that.
 I disagree with anyone who tells me that healing can happen over night or over weekend. You can not label yourself as everyone else because you not. 
God going take us on a long healing and it starts with little steps. 

At the end of the day healing is a process and only Jesus can finish that process. 

Saturday, 25 November 2017

Giving it all to him

It All happen so fast and the next thing I knew it was having the hole line stop working, heads turning towards me and never will I forget that.. Eyes became huge, words became loud.. That moment of brokenness hitting me like a rock falling on my Head, I slowly walked out and went down stairs and broke down , I cried and cried for long that day and when I got home I fell in to buckets of tears... Nothing could change what happen... What happen ? For months I encounter bullying perhaps this got to me or perhaps it was the process i was in as I began to open some past events and face them, what ever it was it clearly was too much for me... I lay on my bed thinking about what happen, there we were my working partner and I in a disagreement which we often had, however this time as soon as she raised her voice, something inside of me snapped and all I can remember was hitting the table in front of us and screaming as loud as ever and the following moments that took place just broke me.... Oh how could this happen ? What was wrong with me ? How can I call myself a Christian and love God when clearly He can't love me... Oh how my pillow had loads of tears that night. 
the next day I didn't even go in to work as I was so ill, I took a walk to the shop and bought some pills and took some and went in to a deep sleep. My heart was broken, broken because I let Jesus down, my self and my boss's. I couldn't go on, I had all the reason to jump in front of the next train. This was the reason. I mean people were going talk and call me mad. I could never go back to work... As I awoke I felt the Lord encourage me to be strong.  As I went back the next day I saw my morning go in a slow vision, step by step I walked and everyone was staring at me. Whisper's among each person I pass, it was like a movie... A horror one, all the blades were cutting me deep and very much... I fell in to more tears and again I broke down i couldn't pull myself together.. Maybe this was it... My life was ending... As I try to gain some control my working partner "N" began to speak about what happen and how she knew I would never do something like this. She began to tell me she loved me and that what happen was in the past and people were shocked when she stood up for me. I mean most of them told her to take me to the lawyer, and to make a case against me however she will not, she won't hold anything against me. As I heard this I cried some more. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I screamed at her, completely lost it yet she was willing to forgive me.
The hole factory has since then can not believe we joke as normal and talk as normal because they so quick to hold something against you. 

As "n" and I ended our week she looked at me and said "cat" promise me you will talk to someone , I wanted to cry more... I reply: I will try. After the screaming event everyone asked her if she was alright yet nobody asked me if I was okay yet she knew I was not okay. 

Out of this huge event I learned that I should forgive myself and love myself , I learn that I shouldn't hold something against someone but to forgive them there. 
I also learned that without surrendering to Jesus that I could never hold it together. In fact I could only fall back to self harm and pills but with him I fall on my knees and cry out to him...I am yours... Heal me Lord...make me new...take my brokenness take it all. After all only he can. 

Friday, 3 November 2017

The lies we are not

All my life there has been so many lies and It has destroy my life, I believed these lies and became that. 
One of the biggest lies I ever believe was that I'm special needs / retarded and that I could not live a normal life, that I am allow to be treated "special" because of it and not face my actions of my choices. Well all this change when someone I look up to me spoke to me and simply said she does not believe I'm special needs, I dont remember much about what all said in that meeting I only remember those words that from that moment changed my hole life, I remember going though the thoughts of what am I going use an excuse now! It was always easy for me to place blame on this lie and on my past. When ever something went wrong I would blame this lie and say oh well I'm special and so I must be treated with care! 
I mean before this people often told me they didn't think I was special needs and that didnt really get to me but when this person told me it really did something to me. 

I Always remember fighting my aunts on this topic that I can live a normal life but as soon as something went wrong I would go back to these words. I decided I would no longer use this as an excuse but a testimony. I have fought many years of trying to live a normal life and often people ask Me what is normal ? I simply would say its having a job, paying bills and rent and doing what any adult would be doing.
My fights has lead to a lot of hurt in people lives because they simply believe that I'm special needs and that I must be in a "home" taken care of however I refuse to believe in this lie, in fact I have more testimony's of how I came to be but I'll share that other time! 

I believe that I am different in my own way but we are all different it does not mean we can't face our own difficult things or that we can't hold jobs and live normal lives and take care of ourselves. 

Today by the grace of Jesus Christ I have a job and I am living in my own space , I make my own food pay my own bills and rent, I wash my own stuff and face the real world on my own. I have been told I am one of the few people who are very street wise ! I have walked miles and miles and have come across beautiful townships in the cape! 

I'm writing this to tell every person who reading this that you are not the lie you are told ! If you told you too fat or Ugly, YOU ARE NOT! If you told that you can't do anything let me tell you that YOU CAN ! 

Believe the words that the Lord Jesus has spoken over you and that is Psalms 139 and many more ! 

Don't stop fighting for what you believe in! 

I fight every day in my own small ways and so can you ! Be strong ! 

Thursday, 2 November 2017

Self harm

I know you hurting, I know you not okay, I know you want to be loved so I'm just going be here and support you, I won't judge you, I love you. 

Ever want to hear those words ? Ever feel so alone and there nothing to live by ? Well I know how you feel because That's all I log for. To be love and not to be judge. 

Recently I shared with my small group that I'm a self harmer. A cutter. 
I will be more open about this in more of my blogs when I'm ready but I thought I would share on this subject and encourage those who struggle with this to know that You not alone. You are love. Reach out because there are people who care for you and remember just because you struggle with this doesn't mean you are not value. You are. 

So if I could write to you the self harmer, this is how it gos....

Dear you the one who finds yourself with blades of no hope, with tears passing its edge ready to break your pain away, hear me, read me, there is hope, be strong. Its okay everything will be okay. No matter how many cuts you make you still so very special. So to you the..
.. The one who is in a storm of blood and alone in a wall of blades remember... You not alone and that I love you ". 

Tuesday, 17 October 2017

God calls the broken

I look at the screen and my thoughts freeze like brain freeze but much colder and as I think about it I have become colder with no understand to any thing at this current moment... 
Moments what are they ? Why are they just moments? Why not forever ? Oh thank the Lord they not forever I mean... Some moment are just.... I don't know... I don't know what to write in this blog, perhaps I should encourage you to be strong while I feel none of that, perhaps I should make a joke , I'm good at that while sitting deep down is a little girl crying her self out ". 

Where do I begin ? What oh what do I write about ? Should I just say like it is dear ? Then again who cares what I got to say? And that's what I'm going write about. 
My words. The very words that have the power of life and death but what do I know hey ? 

I recently was left with a fall in my heart, like a water fall but this was a different one, where loads of different emotions were falling inside of it, I had a question for God. Why do I speak when nothing I ever said matter ? Why? when I say something I'm other not right to feel this way or I should be more like Christ like" I just didn't understand anything. Let's rewind.... 

So about a week back I was faced with some hash words at me, where there was disagreement of choices I made because I felt God tell me to do. 
When a few people were very against this new choice I made I fell on my knees asking God if I heard right, if it was him !  I told him I wasn't going do this anymore because I didn't want any "drama " and I wanted to listen but as I prayed and and searched for answers I felt the Lord ask me , who do you believe in ? are you going disobey me because of others? Having these questions at me I felt like I had lost my faith, like I wasn't a child of God at all. 
Then God went deeper and told me though a drawing that I had "lost " my heart for his people. I was angry at God because I really do love people but when he showed me his plans I fell on my face begging for forgiveness ! 

The choice I had to make ? Well... As you all know I'm a Christian I believe in Jesus and I love him. 
I recently had some really some hash things happening at work when I decided to do something which my fellow Christian peeps were against which was praying with Muslims. I didn't like this idea but I felt the Lord encourage me to which I did. After one day praying with them I felt like something changed. I didn't pray to their God. I simply prayed in the same room but to Jesus. After a lot of people were against it I stoped in fear. my words to God was this. Lord if you want me to do this then you will send someone to tell me to pray with them. I left it at that. 

Just almost a week after it when God told me I lost my heart for his people a day latter a lady came up to me and told me that one of the ladies I prayed with was a Christian and that she turn to a Muslim. 

I was filled with angry. Because I knew at that moment God wanted me to speak into her life. While I was praying with them I notice that the one lady sounded like a Christian but I didn't pay attention. Now it made sense. I allow everyone around me to disobey God and to walk away from him. I had to show love and compassion to the Muslims. Because among them lay a fellow back slider which was me awhile back. I know I'm not there to save her. I can't save her. Only Jesus can. 

So the thought I leave with you is are we going listen to people or to God ? I guess when I saw God plan with all of this I was like Jesus you can't Use me. I'm a nobody and I'm struggling in my own struggles how can I speak and lead people to you when I myself am in a dark tunnel. 

God didn't call the saved to help the broken. God called the broken to help the broken. 

Friday, 15 September 2017


Some of you struggle to pray but praying is simply talking to Jesus in your own special way, my up coming blogs are to those who struggle in this area and I hope they help you with Jesus to become closer to him. I myself struggle in this area however when our church open a prayer room I learnt that I could just be me before the Lord and speak from the heart because after all that's all he ever wants.

Dear Jesus I know that right now I'm angry so instead of lashing out in raves of storm I'm going praise you and thank you for everything you do for me. I may not understand everything right now but I understand you died on the cross for me and you suffered for me because you love me so much, because I'm so important because I matter, because I rock your world and I'm awesome, Jesus you love me and I love you too, if I close my eyes I see myself dancing in your arms and there nothing but you and I and peace of all so Jesus I'm going end off thank you for hearing me, for loving me, for being there even when I feel other wise, thank you our r.ship is not based on how I feel but on what I believe and Jesus I believe in you, You Lord are my father and I give you all the praise.

Friday, 8 September 2017


We in to part 2 and now we take a look at (light) the new mirror God has given me, hope, the will to fight on not just for people but for myself, as we see in the post before that in the photos i have uploaded i was by myself and that part of my dark side, I back away from people and crawl in to an ice block and bam i suffer by myself, however God is a god of relationships and he wants us to build it with each other, he wants us to love everyone just as we love ourselves yet the devil will do anything to keep us from doing this.

I struggle to hold relationships infact im much better at making them but keeping them is a huge issue and I really felt stuck in this area however God has given me hope and has set me in a wonderful church that is all about relationship and family and boy has this been hard for me but this is part of the new mirror God has given me. 
when I think of my church I smile,

I love the people and those who have hurt me I try to love more,that hurts so much, but loving them has just bless me in so many ways and im truly grateful at the fact that God has allow them to break me because now I know real blessing. 
what is light? well my light world is this, where im able to have healthy relationships and to have joy and to dance in my own happiness !to be me without explaining who i am and just living, my new mirror begins at taking a new step in to a new change of mind thinking and taking a look at the bigger picture, its hard to look in a different way but it truly changes everything.

my post of darkness was short because I want to keep it like that, i dont want to give praise to darkness anymore but only Jesus, i want to jump for him and talk about him. I have allow bad things and set backs to ruin my life I no longer want to give in to that.

I have watched myself give up and now I want to fight for my new mirror. my new mirror is only life ful things seeing my self forces on helping people and seeing them out of there own darkness  can I do this? hell no but can Jesus ? heaven yes!

In this world we going have many set backs but we must be strong in the Lord jesus and trust him all the way!  we must not suffer alone, we must suffer together because the devil wants us to suffer alone but we are meant to face set backs with each other, We need people we need each other.

To end off....

What in your life is light? Is there any at all or have you allow the devil to blow it out? perhaps you in a dark hole with nobody around...The devil has you where he wants you the most, what are you going do to get out and find your light? 

I  say this... start a small fire and people will find you. what does this fire look like? you decided! 

Tuesday, 29 August 2017

The hero that doesn't let you down .

Have you ever really thought of someone just being your hero? Like someone who just sees you for you and will save you from all your downs ? Someone you look up to, perhaps someone who inspires you. 
I have, My hole life people just walk over me and gave up and one day I came along my mentor who I love so much ". 
She inspire me to keep fighting cause she showed me so much grace , however she too left me for a few months , during those months we kept in contact yet my life was spinning out of control, when she came back I thought she would help me turn it around, I was so dead wrong not only did she refuse to help me, she ended up hurting me in a way I thought I wouldn't cope with, Yet she taught me such a value lesson about life, that is to fight for what you want and believe in. 

I recently found out she invited one of my old co workers to her wedding yet not me " after I heard this I was about to send her a very long angry email cause that's what I do best :) 
But then God was like why ? Why are you wasting your words ? Tell me how you feel , I am your hero. " 

I fell and had a crying party because he was so right. We cling on to people who only hurt us and reject us , we make them our hero's yet they are only humans and they not perfect and they going let us down. Always but God he will never let us down. He will never leave us or hurt us. He loves us so much. 

As I try to reach out to my mentor I realize she cares but not the way I would like her to and that's not her fault. I realize that with anyone I want them to be this perfect Angel but they not and that's okay. 

When my mentor hurt me I didn't feel angry or sad I in fact was like Lord I got you and only you. Her hurt didn't matter because it couldn't get deep down inside me. I mean her actions did hurt  me but I realize you other want me in your life or you don't. You make the choice but for me there so many people in this world who would want me in their life and I should find them better yet I should not make them my hero but I should cling on to Jesus cause he's the hero that will never let me down!

I mean he took all punishment and place it on himself and I will never get that infact i dont think i will ever understand his love for me. His love is great and its all we need more then anything ! We need a super hero and Jesus is that hero ! As you reading this in your life what area do you need a super hero for ? Maybe its just the down part , maybe its the "needs" part , I am here to tell you that you need him in all your parts, the sad and the happy. He will never never let you down as I have said over and over ! Is Jesus your super hero ?

Sunday, 20 August 2017

The new mirror

A question that keeps coming up in my life is (do I want to get well )  For months even years I couldn't face the answer or even think about it,  and here I am about to share my answer, an answer I was always ashamed of. Yet as I am writing this, I am not ashamed to speak of my answer. 
My mentor asked me this awhile ago and for the first time (I think) I was honest about this question. Do you want to get well she asked ? You always ask me that ! But as I sat there I began to share the answer I hide from everyone for years. 

No I don't want to get well. My answer shocked me even. As I went in to details and thought about what I said after our meeting my heart fell in to a deep shallow of weeps. 

I am so afraid of getting well. I don't know what that looks like. I'm so use to rejection and pain and pity. I'm so use to feeling suicide and doing it. I was okay with it. I was alright with harming myself because being happy scared me. It scared me so much that I limit myself and missed out on life so much while everyone around me was moving on I was stuck in my pain and I didn't know how to get out of that. 

I came before the Lord and asked him often to change my heart. To help me to want to get well or at least desire to get well, for now I have the desire to want the desire to get well and perhaps that's all I need to have. 

This past weekend our church had a ladies camp and I had to face some hurts and really put my pain aside and allow God to do what ever he wants and even if that was me showing love to those who deeply hurt me I had to do it and I did but what really stood out for me was I went there with the mind of wanting some breakthrough. I really really was so burn out and so tired, I was really scared I would in fact end my life so when the door for woman camp open I was all open for it, and when I went there with that mind set God just bless me in so many ways I can't even explain it here, what I can explain is while I was being kind to the people who deeply hurt me I was becoming more alive then ever before, for the first time in months I had lived, I awoke and began to have some fun.
As we got to the camp site I was walking around just waiting for others to come when the lady who I drove with came to me and asked me if I would be keen to be media for the weekend, I was like yeah ! Bring it on ! Oh how taking photos of woman praising Jesus changed my view on the Lord so much infact it changed my view on life , I was the one taking photos of powerful moments, those very moments we will never get back. 
Perpahs that was God plan all along to stop me in my depression tracks and fill me with life all over again and perhaps that could help me to want to get well. 
As drawn broke on Sunday morning I found myself sitting in a tire along the sounds of life going though the photos I took over the weekend and as each photo went pass my eyes so a moment went deep in to my heart. Sitting there and laughing at some Random photos I realize that God did answer someone prayer perhaps many who has been praying for me for months , I sat there smiling and whisper to God , Jesus perhaps I want to get well now perhaps I'm not too scared perhaps I'm ready. 

I can't say that suicide won't go away and I can't say it will always be there perhaps there will be a time where I will wake up and bam I'm healed! But intill then I choose to slowly take steps to that day and even if that's baby steps that's all good. The most powerful thing I learnt this weekend was to take one step at a time, it doesn't haven't to happen all in one go ! Breath and encounter life as it is. Perhaps I got my life back all over again or perhaps I had it all along and I never realize it. 

To end off as morning broke we were all in our beds when we heard a loud noise and when the lady checked some how the mirrow fell and broke, I was abit surprise and didn't take really note on it but when I was sitting latter with the camera of photos I felt the Lord say to me, I have broken your Mirror of life and given you a new one, and at that I was so touch that deep in my heart I cried out to the Lord Jesus and praise him for hearing my prayers. 
Jesus understands my struggle and he with me all the way, healed or not healed I will praise him even when there heavy clouds because I have a new Mirror and I'm going to hold on to it !

Sunday, 30 July 2017

Suicide attempts, when will the bell ring ?

Walking along the bright green trees with large buildings around me, with a loud bell ringing so loud , it can only mean one thing, a church is ringing it for each hour. I wonder when my hour will come ? When the phones of my loved ones will not stop ringing, when they are face with so much tears but will they have tears ? Or will they celebrate the coming of the end ? 

I have try over and over to end my life, since the age of 9. That's a long time. As the years have pass it has become more lonelier with noone to turn when I'm so suicidal. Now I have to turn to ways to help me cope with my suicide mind. 
Awhile back I took over 100 pills and after I took them I decided to go to small group that evening. I remember I kept vomiting. The people wanted to know what was up but how could I tell them ? That I took over a 100 pills and wanted to die ? I mean what kind of Christian was I ? 

The next day I went to the docters and was told that I should be dead or in a coma yet a day latter I walked out those doors. 

During this time I was all *alone * I had noone. I mean how can I tell someone I want to die ? They other tell me I must get help or they will pray for me. Never once will they support me during that time. And I guess that's why people don't talk about it. 

If there anyone I have the most respect for its my mentor who has supported me though my suicide attempts. She has been there no matter what and because of it I always try some how tell her I'm suicidal. Of course life goes on and now I can't really reach out to her. I can't tell her hey I want to die help me. She will other tell me to get help. 

When all I need is support from the people I care about. I often wonder when my suicide attempts will be the last. When I wake up in heaven and have no more pain.

I remember my adopted mother told me I'll always be alone. I'll always mess things up. Maybe she was right. But I know one thing when I come so close to death and I'm always alone and it shouldn't be that way. I shouldn't have to try and end my life because of my pain. I should have support yet that's a huge lack. 

Perhaps something needed to change. When I think of the person who might have ended his life at church I think of the fact how lonely he was and how he couldn't talk about it. How he felt because I know how he felt. If only I could have done something. Spoken to him , some how reach out even if its telling him I also want to die and that's okay. 
At the end of the day we need support and we need to speak but in the Christian world suicide is seen as an abolish so sinful. 
When its not. 
Just the other day I read a bible plan on how (suicide can be forgiven ) I was mad ! Its like saying flu can be forgiven or cancer. Its like saying we choose to be sick. Well fuck that pastor who wrote that ! WE DO NOT CHOSSE TO BE SICK. 
I mean wtf ? I am a Christian and a follower of jesus but I draw the line when it comes to this topic. I will not be ashamed to challenge anyone on this topic. Mental health is not a choice. We do not chosse this. In fact all I ever pray is jesus heal me ! Why do I want to die ? Kill me please ! 
Sometime I don't get why he doesn't heal me but I put my trust in him and I believe one day I will be healed even if its only in heaven. 

I'm not ashamed to say I want to die. You shouldn't be either. Talk, shout, knock on doors. Find someone who will listen and be strong.

Tuesday, 25 July 2017

Rewind everything

Rewind everything , wipe away all the pain, rewind the past and fit it with a radio of air waves holding me together, rewind everything, wipe away all the scars left on my arms, throw them in the deep waters of apple juice, filled with leoms, rewind everything , take me to the day where I never saw the blue car , fit it into a ship and ship it away with all the green people , rewind everything, take me back to the peaceful moments , no pain, no tears,  oh no.... Rewind everything because no peace ever was, pain was always with gun shots hitting my head with blunt words only to slowly kill me...rewind everything ....find something ...besides the blue car place me there and re forward everything, change the outcome the pain oh please ....rewind everything  change it oh please change it..... 

Sunday, 16 July 2017

Be inspired

I want people to see these blogs and be inspired, I want people to have hope and to know even when bad things happen there is a way to push though. I have had many hardships and many set backs and I can simply say hey I'm going give up because people around me have given up or I can say let's try this again.
I know what's it like to be different and to be label and told so many things but I want the world to know even when things are said about you, you have the power to choose to say yes I take those words or no I refuse to !
I started these blogs just to have a way of coping yet these blogs have grown and people have been inspired, even When some do not make sense I still decide to post them because I know that it will touch people in some way.
This post is for all the people who have ready blogs and keep a look out on them, I want to thank you for your support and I want to encourage you to always be strong and to have faith, without faith we are nothing. I want to tell you that you are loved and that if I can do it so can you. There is many things I have not shared but I can tell you if some people went though what I have they would not be here today . I believe I am here because God wants Me to be the voice to the voice less. He wants me to show the world that no matter how much darkness there is you can have light and you can live.
May you always be inspired and may the Lord Jesus Christ always be the reason why you are inspired. May he use me to inspire you.
Always remember Jesus loves you.

Love or hate

As I was sitting at church with a Lady my old therapist came along greeted then took the lady with her and sat in a different spot, I didn't know what to feel or to say about it. I didn't know why she was doing her absolute best to hurt me. We have come a long way and for a year now she has pretty much box me and even when God has asked me to show grace towards her I just  am so broken because of her.
Let's rewind.. .

About a year ago she gave up on me and pretty much told me I could never be help, even when I gave up on myself she too gave up on me. In 2014 she came in to my life and changed my hole view on life. People who knew me well told me she did something to me because now I'm not angry and mad as I use to be. Never did I thought she would end up breaking me and making me so sick up to the point where I can't even hold myself together when I see her. Though it has gotten better. We attend the same church which makes life much more difficult. I don't do much at church because I just can't bare to be around her.
Of course I have not told her how I feel and how much she has really hurt me. I have given up trying because most of the Time I do she ends up avoiding me. Over  a year I have had all the time in the world to build up a picture of her in my head where I see her as miss devil trying to throw stick and stones at me. When we don't comfort someone about the hurt they have caused us we become bitter and it can lead to bad things. So far iv had lash outs with her by making a mean comment or sending her a pretty much angry email. Which I haven't none as much but I often write about her which has help a lot. What doesn't help is hiding from her because I can't bear her.

I don't know if I can say I love her or hate her, I just look at her and all I see is someone with an ax ready to chop me bit by bit. I use to love her so much I mean I would of died for her but now I just wouldn't care less.

How wrong am I even when God asked me to show grace towards her ? A person who gives up so easily And can't even face me ?
Sometimes I just cry and cry Intill I can't anymore because it's to painful to love someone who doesn't love you back who doesn't care.

Its so hard to be around people who give up so easily, who doesn't want you around and will do anything to hurt you. But you know what its okay to feel the way you do towards that person because if you don't knowledge how you feel you will only go much more worse then ever before.

When someone has hurt you so much don't hold back just let it out and work on getting well again. Alot of the time people pad up what they should be showing instead.

Be the brave one and look after yourself.

Sunday, 9 July 2017

The 3 dangerous mask one could "wear"

In life we try our best to put on a brave face and make people think we are okay when really we are not okay.
How many times have you try to hold back your tears because you feel you are going be judged?
How many times you hold back how you feel because you afraid you will be judged ?
I will be starting a series on suicide and how to watch out for the signs no one is even aware of. This is part of it.

We all wear masks. Everyone in the hole wide world has a mask on to hide who they really are.

A mask is  a manner or expression that hides one's true character or feelings.

Are you one of those people who falls in this patten ?
We put so much pressure on ourselves to be like everyone else when God created you and me just the way he wanted to. We are special and he loves us.

Mask 1 is happinesses.
How hard do we try to look (happy) when really we are so broken? Often we try to make others happy yet we are so utterly depress and that can lead to greater loss.  We need to look out for this number one killer because it can kill. If we are not *honest* about how we really feel we will kill our self's and let me tell you ALWAYS be honest about how you feel because when you are not it can build up and one day you wake up and go ka boom!
Be (you) there no you anywhere else. Who cares what people think , you allow to be sad and to cry and to be broken.

Mask 2. (Strong ) we always put on a brave face and act as if we are strong and I'm not saying we not strong but I'm saying we are weak too and we are allow to be so.  Sometimes being strong is simply falling down and crying.

And mask 3 is joy. Yep you read right. Joy is the biggest lie. Ever. Ever ever and did I say ever ? I'm not saying we can't be joyful but I'm saying we can't earn it or just "have" it. People think joy is just something you have but its not. Joy comes from Jesus Christ and only he can give you that joy, But when you try to be joyful you will only damage your self and end up going (ka boom!)

At the moment I am really digging for some answers from God and asking him why oh why am I so broken when I discover that one of the most dangerous prayers one could pray for is to break me. When I read this I was like Holy cheese ! How can one pray to be broken ?
Then I realize that in order for God to use us we need to be more like Jesus and the only way we can be more like him is by being broken so God can make us brand new.

We are allow to be broken and we are allow to cry scream and be depress and don't let anyone tell you other wise but I encourage you strongly to seek God more then ever when you in this season and to allow people in. There are people who care you just need to find them.

The other day I was so hurt by someone who isn't really in my life anymore when she got someone to send me something instead of her doing it her self I was so angry and mad that I relapse (yes I have a struggle I have not shared yet and will share one day ) I remember I went to bed even worse. The next day I fell in to tears at work and couldn't even do my work well. I realize that the hurt this person caused me I was not over. I thought I was over it, I thought I could face her and love her but I knew I couldn't because it was so sore. When on a Friday morning I woke up from a bad dream of her but in tears but this time these tears were different. I got up dressed for work, made lunch and then went to lay down. I remember I was still crying and I just lay there, and all I said was Jesus please comfort me because I am broken and all I need is you to hold me at that moment I felt God so strongly then ever before.

I was honest with Jesus but i also didn't say anything else. I only said comfort me. Sometimes that's all we need. Sometimes all we need to do is to go up to someone we trust and say hey I'm broken comfort me. That's all we need to do. We need to reach out and be true.

Don't let the masks keep you from over coming hurt and pain. You much more worth then that.
Reach out and be you.

Friday, 7 July 2017

Getting to know the blogger (Me)

You have found yourself at my blogs and you wondering who on earth am I? well call me cat! The cat who has over come so much! I was born in Durban south Africa and now I live in cape town and it’s a beautiful place! At 10 day old I was given up for adoption and a few months it was said I am mentally retarded…so many things were said about me, from being blind in one eye to never being able to walk or live a normal life! I always knew that something inside of me was never what I heard. I was raised by a family who did not believe I could live a normal life and ill like to say that none of these blogs are to harm them, I am sharing my life story to help people who think they have no hope and cant do anything, to be inspire my life story! Some things I will not share but some I will.
I love writing and I want to bring it alive and follow my dream!
I have had to face so many hardships but I have over come so many! I love writing in poems and love writing in riddles but I see things so different and I believe that is talent ! we all have a talent we just need to believe in ourselves!
Growing up with a label changes your view in life and you struggle to see things like normal people would but hey! Who on earth is normal!!!!!!
 Right lets get back to who I am, so in my teen years I began to take in swimming and even swam for KZN, sadly at the age of 16 I left school hoping to go to normal schooling but this never happen, so I couldn’t swim anymore and that was pretty hard. Today I swim at the beach and people often stop me and ask me hey are you swimming for a club? I guess I never stop being great!
So I can swim and I do a lot of walking and enjoy bird watching, I often am amaze at how free the birds are and how amazing it is for them to not worry about anything! They don’t have to worry about food, rent or where they going sleep!
So I am someone who can do so much and I am so not mentally retarded or even special needs!
I want the reader to know that no matter what is being said over you or your life you should never ever allow those words to come alive only if they are good and positive words.
We need to believe in ourselves and we need to have faith that we can over come anything!

I look forward to be inspiring those who feel hopless I want to be the voice to the voiceless! Big high five! Be bless !

Tuesday, 23 May 2017

The issue in mental illness…is really you..

Mental health has always been looked at as something so awful as if you are in a monster, the huge factor in suicide is just that, a factor around us that people choose to label it. its other attention seeking or you just feeling sorry for yourself. When people kill themselves the outcome is always oh but they had mental illness so that’s just fine… well as children of God I really do not think it is fine. Its not only oh victim statement, oh feel sorry for me… this is my right and sadly a lot of Christians see mental health in this term and it’s a disgrace to God. I would understand none Christians take on it but children of God? I have spoken a lot about suicide in my blogs and I am very open about it, it makes me mad to see my fellow sisters and brothers just labeling this matter. A few weeks back I did a course at church and in one of the sessions they spoke about suicide and mental illness, as they began I got super mad and walked out. The judgment on this was so not cool. This is a battle I was fighting and I am fighting alone yet it can be turn around and its sick. As I said before suicide is an illness and a lot of people lose their battle to it.    one of the signs leading to suicide is self harm, self harm can come in many forms but ill like to share one. A few months ago I began to cut myself and try to reach out to my therapist at the time of course she saw this as attention most likely and didn’t really help me. I had to face this battle all by myself.  About 2 or 3 months ago I decided to stop and try help myself.  When I began to wear short selves everyone around me freaked out! Some telling me to put a jacket on and others telling me God will punish me. Then I got those awesome people who told me that God is going use this to help others who struggle with this. I still struggle with it, I try to fight it but I really can’t fight it alone. I recently had 2 of the therapist who worked with me simply give up on me. Just a week ago one of them said to me its as if im not fighting anymore. I felt insulted afterwards. Because they weren’t fighting for me yet they think they can tell me not to give up? And its just like those people who make mental health a disgrace when its like any other illness. We may cut ourselves, try and end our lives, lose ourselves in a full blown rage of anger but at the end of the day, we are just people who need support and need love.

When people choose to label mental health and walk away from us and tell us we are hopeless course, they are choosing to disgrace God and by doing so is rejecting Jesus himself. When I die of suicide I don’t want people to say oh she battle mental illness, no I want people to see that I battle people and lose the battle because at the end of the day…the issue isn’t in mental health…its really you.

Saturday, 13 May 2017

The only way to win any fight is on your knees.

When I think about fighting I think about swearing at the other person and telling them what I think of them, then punching them in the face and watching them go so red then becoming so mad with me like thunder and lighting about to strike me and kill me,  that’s all I ever knew, always prepare to attack the other person and making sure that what I said or feel stood and nothing else matter. Just recently I discover that there is more to fighting and there really is a good way of fighting.  We are born to fight and we are born to WIN it. But do we know how to fight?
As I face a very serious matter which lead me in deciding if I should not sue these people and take them to court, I prayed and asked God what he thinks about this hole matter, because I knew 2 things 1 that I was right and 2 that this was really damaging, but what I didn’t know was what God thought about it, as  I waited on God, I heard nothing and became angry at him, a day pass and more passed and then one day I ran in the park and started screaming, and after that I fell on my knees and began to cry, father I love them and I don’t want to fight them but they hurt me, help me”
Just at that moment I heard a gentle voice wispier to me, “this is how you fight them” I was abit confuse how I asked?  “ this is how you fight them” I got up in rage and shouted at God, how ! tell me how! But I heard nothing. I was super cross but carried on with my days when one day I went to the prayer room at church and didn’t want to say anything to God, I sat there and then I heard a whisper again, “ this is how you fight them” at that I got up and I storm out of church. How! How! As I was walking away in a rage I heard a very loud voice “ this is how” I stood, and thought for a moment and realize what was God trying to tell me, the only way one can fight and win a battle was to be on your knees praying!
I started laughing oh Lord you are funny! How can I fight and win by just being on my knees and praying?  As days went by I began to learn a new way of fighting, the fighting I knew nothing about. By falling on my knees and praying for the people but in love and in truth, I knew the only way I could win this battle was by praying and reading the word of God. The fighting I knew nothing about had some rules, rules to protect all people involved in the battle.
1.       The first rule was to look at the people the way jesus sees them.
2.       Then to speak in truth and love
3.       Then to leave the battle in peace and love.

But most of all by always praying for them. The only way to win any fight is on your knees.

We should never go in to war by wanting to harm the other people or for our own self deeds but by love and the deeds of our loving father Jesus

Stepping in the shoes of grace

Looking at my broken shoes with holes under it, I wonder if anyone knew the battle I faced, the battle that I could not even fight, I wonder if someone asked me to sit down and took my shoes off what they would do if they discover that under it there was no cover at all but holes, only damaging my feet every step I take.
We are so judgmental with what people look like, how they dress and what they drive, its sick, and sad, do we really take the time to sit down with the person and discover what they really are wearing? Under those pretty shoes perhaps there is holes that nobody knows about and perhaps people know about those holes and don’t want it to be there problem… but we are called to help the person to remove those holes, maybe we are to give them new shoes, or to glue them together for a season, but when that season comes to an end, they will need a pair of new shoes and at some point we all need something new in our life.
But a lot of time people think that this new thing means they no longer in their life but I disagree, we will always be in each other lives forever since we are children of God but in different ways and in new ways, sometimes we have to stop holding that person but drive with them, this could be anything. But are we prepare to do any of this? are we prepare to step in the shoes of grace?
My first church I went to, had many good things but the down fall they are not prepare to walk in those shoes, they not willing to look at the holes under the pretty shoes, in fact they have the homeless people sit at the back of the church and class them as outsiders.
This is not what Jesus died for, He died so we are all in the same boat. That we are all the same and treated the same. I love my  church pastors, they are lovely people who do not box themselves better than us normal members. I admire how they are part of our lives in some way and that they walk in the shoes of grace. Every church has it downs but the church I now go to is pretty much close to the real deal and even when I struggle with some things I admire the fact that a lot of the people I attend church are prepared to know about my holes in my shoes but because of the background I have come from I often am ashamed to even speak of any holes. Perhaps I needed to change and trust them more.

The question I leave you are you prepare to step in to the shoes of grace and reach someone with a pair of broken shoes that has holes in it or are you okay that it isn’t your problem and carry on with life? If so you really don’t know Jesus steps and I pray you discover them.

Monday, 1 May 2017


Sometimes I stare in front of the world and feel pity but then other times I feel nothing at all, how did the world end up so broken? Often I get asked where Is the loving God you believe in, I often ask myself that same thing, maybe he on holiday and drinking a nice cup of wine? People think being a Christian, we have all the answers and have it all together well it not the case.
As I walk in the dark valleys I get pulled aside, hey you whitey what you doing here? Often I scare people with my freaky scream but iv learnt to throw some punches. Where is God when I get mocked for being white or near beaten up for it? Life is tough and then I have to put a pretty face and enter the doors of church, the building I find myself in for hours, maybe I hope to be safe there, but I have learnt I am not safe anywhere not even with the people who are meant to love and care for you, those very same fake people are the ones breaking every part of you, in my case it seems like it. I find Jesus so hard to understand, I mean how can I love people who keep hurting me? Sometimes I stare at these very people and they holding knifes while being on the worship band, ready to kill me, but Jesus tells me love, how? How can I love someone who was meant to help me but put me right back in a deep hole? I don’t get God at all. Now I am standing in front of a building that gave me hope, that taught me everything about love but pain too, and God still wants me to love these people? Ill rather head to the dark valleys and get beaten up by gangs or maybe I should join them, they sure wont let me go with out food or with pain, they be the family I am searching for.
Sometimes I stare in front of the world and feel everything, and see war right  in front of me, then I go to church with the very people killing me, where is God? Because he not here at all. Then it hits me the fist of people, they grab me and hold me up a wall and as I am pushed up at the wall all I can think of is the green people who taught me to live in the real world and where are they when I need them? Where is God, as a knife comes along my neck I look in the face of the evil one and see nothing but brokenness. Closing my eyes in fear I feel a sharp pain and at that I fall to the ground, I hear running foot steps and then nothing at all, I stare at the ground and a flash back hits me where I found myself in a class room of the bible teacher who taught me the book of life, and where is his stupid book and voice now? Oh  how I wish it was here but as I take a breath of pain I see nothing but myself on the ground.

Sometimes I stare in the world and feel nothing but brokenness because we are all broken crying for someone, and searching for hope, for life but I realize that isn’t real, as the blood started to cover me up, I realize only one thing is real Jesus and I needed to find him but sometimes….I stare in the world and find him in all the wrong places…sometimes…I stare in front of my own body and feel nothing but pity…

Tuesday, 25 April 2017

love your enemies

As I threw my phone at my cupboard my room mates stare in shock, as tears over flow me, they say nothing, I jump up with anger and toss everything out, finding my running shoes I hide away, I put them on and leaving the mess,,I take my keys and leave with a huge storm banging every door I pass, walking towards the bus stop my tears are still going, how could she! She pushed me, but then again, was I the one doing all the the bus comes I hop on with even more tears, everyone stares as if something has happen, something did happen but no one knew about that, as I waited to get off at the next bus stop I cried and cried, Like a baby left at someone door step, who knew the pain I carry would lead  me to the doors of the Lord, I question everything, why did she stop loving me? Why did she stop believe in me? The one who believed I could do anything now was the one who thought I was a lost course, what happen? All these questions hit me like a wave of fire burning me inside out, the bus stops and I hop off, it’s a beautiful day yet I don’t feel beautiful at all, I start to run, and do not stop, hearing cars hoot at me I keep running, I was mad, sad, even more I had no idea what I felt towards the company who was meant to help me, I did everything for them, I did everything they asked me to do yet I was still not good enough then they bashed me with a photo of me against my will and when I asked it being removed they never removed it stating it was a good photo but cutting me out, oh how they cut my heart in to sheds and enjoy every moment of it,  even when it was over a year old they still used it, who are they to destroy my life, now they take the one person who ever believed in me, and who do I have now?  Its as if my world has been turn up side down, and I had no voice in it, there was only one person I had and that person I was running to, with speed as a horse, jumping along cars and missing pot holes, I ran to the one person who understands rejection and pain, as I stood in front of the doors of grace and peace, I enter them with pain and greet my fellow brothers, “hey can I go to the prayer room”? “Yes of course” as I walked in to the prayer room I fell on my knees flat down, pouring out my pain and hurt to the Lord, this was war, this was the war of my life, I was not going be like them, I was not going hate them, I was only going love them in prayers and in tears too. This wasn’t about being right anymore this was bigger and I was not going fall back in to depression, I was going fight and I was going fight with everything I got. I felt peace as I was on my knees. I knew it was time to trust God and even when I had every reason to give up I was not going give up.

I was going remember the good they did, I was going remember the good she did, I was going love them even when they blamed me for their mess up stupid mistakes But I was going love them in prayers and I was going talk good things about them even when they spoke death over me,  Who knew  Matthew 5;44  (But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you) would be the very thing I had to do. As I got up and left the building of hope I started to run and speed over along the bridge of death, was this a big mess and oh I had to face it but I had to face it with Jesus right by my side, the one who loves me and never will give up on me, with the many tears i had i waited for my bus home, Oh how life is going change and oh how this is going change me like a broken cup being re build, this was the beginning of a very big war, a war I was ready for.

Thursday, 20 April 2017


Life can be tough, I mean thank the Lord we not rats hey! Rats are always ducking and diving for their lives because we the human beast are trying kill them! Life isn’t easy, people get bully, people get lied to and even cheated on but there is always hope.
I have learnt to smile when I don’t feel like it and laugh when everyone is waiting for me to break down! My kinda break down now days is going to a play ground and singing children songs! Perhaps you should try it! It sure is good for the soul!
To those people who cant stop crying I have some good news, keep crying and while you at it grab a ice cream! It always works for me! Life is taken way to serious and while that is happening why don’t we just be like children and act out how we feel! Its great therapy!

We worry so much but do you see the birds worrying? Nope, they have everything handed to them day by day. If you feeling like your life is about to come to end hold on it will get better! While its storming take your shoes off and start dancing in it because after any storm there is a beautiful rainbow just as beautiful as you are, so stay strong!

Monday, 3 April 2017

I praise you when I can not see

The Lord is great, his mighty hand created me and build me up, The Lord is great, His mighty hand created me and tore me down, all praise to him! The one who gives and takes away!
His love is never ending, his wonders makes me disappear in the words of the book of life oh how I praise you when I can not see! You took away both my family, You whip me up and box me up with nothing but dirt and ship me along the sea and bam it made land! Oh how I praise you when I can not see! You took away all my families leaving me so isolated and freezing, You took a heater and blew me with your mighty fire! The Lord is great, his mighty hand created me and let me become bait for the blue car and bam it hit me over and over, all praise to him! The one who gives and takes away!

His love is never ending, his wonders make me drift off in to the house of prayer, oh how I praise you when I can not see! You took 3 cars and bashed me leaving me for dead, all praise to him! The one who gives and takes away! Oh how you Lord let the pain get inside of me leaving me with scars, oh how you allow all of this, you allow the green building to break me in to cricket bats and  that broke in to no use but oh you Lord you are the one who builds me up! You took my brokenness and lead me to the prayer room and there I am with nothing but pain and rejection, your hand reaches me and there I take it, both of them! All praise to you Lord for you the one who gives and takes away! I praise you even when I can not see! all praise to the mighty Lord!

Sunday, 19 March 2017

The suicide note

If I had to write a suicide note and wanted the world to see it, it would go like this, with so much thoughts hitting me but most of all with no hope at all,  if I could say something it would go like this, stop bullying, its not pretty, it makes one feels hopeless unloved, be the one to love the unlovable. That includes mental ill people, stop treating them like crap because they are not crap, they are weak people who just need some help so be the help. Stop rejecting the ones who care and love you, just take a look at them and realize one day they wont be around. Stop mocking disability people, we all have some kind of disability  Stop lying and putting labels on to people stop making people give up so easy because they feel they cant do much. Stop saying you cant help  someone, the sky the limit anything possible, to the Christians who keep saying you not perfect but do the same thing over and over again remember you are pushing people away from Jesus and the hole mission is so people can know his love for them, no sin is higher then any other, we are all sinners and we all need the truth, and what is the truth? The truth is that we all need Jesus, and we need hope and if you are not the hope to someone they will give up, so this is what I have to say, the one who was label from birth, the one who always been rejected, the one who has lost hope, to the world, be an ear to the deaf, be an eye to the blind, be a hand to the handless, be a foot to the footless, be the hope they seek for, be the one to change the world, it takes one person to save a life be that person to save a life better yet be the one to love no matter what.

Friday, 10 March 2017

Demons vs Light

We so often have this rule that its not okay to not be okay but a lot of the time it is so okay to not be okay. Most of you do not know my story and one day I hope that I am able to share it to millions of people but right now I share parts of it. Today in my blog the title is called demons vs light. 
When I came in to this world I was label as mentally retarded, many things were said about me but it was at age 20 that I ran from my family hoping to know the real world, though out the years I have discover the real world but more of the real me. Though my childhood I was sent to special schools but I knew deep down I never belong there. I was angry and mad , yet I wasn't allow to feel this way, so I did my best keeping it in, often it would come out, and I would be called mad, but little did anyone know what was really happening. I was born in 1989 but I feel as if I was born in 2013 when I became a born again believer, I had always known about Jesus but never really knew him even up to last year I did not really know him, when I discover life I couldn't stop searching. The Christian world puts a label where we must be okay but honest it is normal for us to not be okay, even Jesus had his moments. 
I recently had to face some really tough and hard memories, as I am doing a course which brings up a lot , after this encounter I headed to a park and just had a screaming party, I was unleashing this demon inside of me, a demon of angry, of a child who could never just speak , I sat down and realize I was not alright and this was pretty okay, a few people walked pass me and looked freak out, the worse part was I had my Bible in my hands. The light and life, the very thing that hold me together, or did it really ? 
About a year or so ago I was in hospital for a suicide attempt and had my Bible with me , one of the sisters came up to me and told me I wasn't allow a bible and when I told her the doctor said it was fine and it help me she laughed and said oh and that's why you try to end your life?

I have been in and out of hospitals most of my life for a number of things but recently it had been for suicide attempts. I will never be a fan of hospitals since my encounter with the sister and many more horrible encounters but it got me thinking at how wrong she was but how very right she was, it wasn't about my Bible it was about my demons and light  knowing the light and knowing the one that gives me life, at the same time knowing who I am and who am I? the one that writes? The one that has face so many things but hey we all face things and we have a choice a major one the choice to fight the demons or to let the light fight it for you. The end for now! Say it like it is dear!

Monday, 6 February 2017

The God we don’t know.

Walking among the sandy path of a field with birds flying over me, how beautiful this moment is, how wonderful is the sounds around me, dogs running past me chasing after the ball, how perfect is one moment God created, How perfect is he? Do we really know everything about the God who created the earth and the seas, every bit God created, and we humans try to be like him perfect, we try create things only God can create, we try be like God but really we don’t know who he is, The God that created the sun to rise and to go down, The God who created tomorrow, The God who allows tomorrow, The God who takes and gives, and how wonderful is it to know him? But really do we know how deep the sea is? Or how far it gos? Oh no we haven’t a clue, The God who gives us shoes, shirts and a roof over our heads, we are nothing with out him, did you ever think one day you wake up and bam you are standing in front of him? What will you say? God Im with you! Oh no, I wouldn’t even dare to call him God, God is a term of some objet really, There only one name I know him by , The father I always log for, the love of my life, my best friend, so really I step away and follow a way better path then the sandy one, a living water, because to some he the God we don’t know but to me? The father im getting to know and now its time to dive in to the river and say it like it is dear.