Friday, 17 November 2017

The twist is about to come out

Twist me one more time with some words and I'll break you with nothing but a voice that rocks the earth with many waves, twist me one more time with some hits and I'll break you with an ice cube breaking you in half, twist me one more time with the lies of masks of boys flipping me in to the mirrors of confusion... Oh no its out....out of the box...out of the closest... No riddles can hide this... No I can't even hide this... I tried for years... Living this lie....I can't keep living this way , a lie over one... And who am I ? Even the mirror laughs at me in make up because I can't hide it, hide all this guilt and what's worse....I don't even know where it's coming from... Is it from confusion... Is it because of my past .... Hit my head so I can forget this...I want nothing of this...I just want to be a good Christian and follow all the rules so I can go to this not about that after all ? Not about me and what I want.... Not who I am or who I really am...oh no here I am again in riddles of nothing but lies.... Perhaps I should open heart to this idea and discover Jesus in the process... Perhaps I should just live and see... Open the door and come out of the shell.... Be pride of who I am and love me... Just maybe I will love me the real me...after all Jesus I close my eyes I see one truth and one truth only... The me no one could love.... So I walk out of this shell...and love the person I am...and if its this is a season of self discovery then let it be. Let the twist of lies falls away and let the boy come out ! Let the tears fly high and let the hair come down, let the shorts come on the the dress's break apart and if this is insults anyone .... So be it.... But this is my life and here I am trying find out why Jesus loves me this way but hey I guess only this matters to me because my ears are blocked to all the twist that could hurt me. Only one twist... Twisting my shoes on and dancing in the love Jesus has for me. gos !

Friday, 3 November 2017

The lies we are not

All my life there has been so many lies and It has destroy my life, I believed these lies and became that. 
One of the biggest lies I ever believe was that I'm special needs / retarded and that I could not live a normal life, that I am allow to be treated "special" because of it and not face my actions of my choices. Well all this change when someone I look up to me spoke to me and simply said she does not believe I'm special needs, I dont remember much about what all said in that meeting I only remember those words that from that moment changed my hole life, I remember going though the thoughts of what am I going use an excuse now! It was always easy for me to place blame on this lie and on my past. When ever something went wrong I would blame this lie and say oh well I'm special and so I must be treated with care! 
I mean before this people often told me they didn't think I was special needs and that didnt really get to me but when this person told me it really did something to me. 

I Always remember fighting my aunts on this topic that I can live a normal life but as soon as something went wrong I would go back to these words. I decided I would no longer use this as an excuse but a testimony. I have fought many years of trying to live a normal life and often people ask Me what is normal ? I simply would say its having a job, paying bills and rent and doing what any adult would be doing.
My fights has lead to a lot of hurt in people lives because they simply believe that I'm special needs and that I must be in a "home" taken care of however I refuse to believe in this lie, in fact I have more testimony's of how I came to be but I'll share that other time! 

I believe that I am different in my own way but we are all different it does not mean we can't face our own difficult things or that we can't hold jobs and live normal lives and take care of ourselves. 

Today by the grace of Jesus Christ I have a job and I am living in my own space , I make my own food pay my own bills and rent, I wash my own stuff and face the real world on my own. I have been told I am one of the few people who are very street wise ! I have walked miles and miles and have come across beautiful townships in the cape! 

I'm writing this to tell every person who reading this that you are not the lie you are told ! If you told you too fat or Ugly, YOU ARE NOT! If you told that you can't do anything let me tell you that YOU CAN ! 

Believe the words that the Lord Jesus has spoken over you and that is Psalms 139 and many more ! 

Don't stop fighting for what you believe in! 

I fight every day in my own small ways and so can you ! Be strong ! 

Thursday, 2 November 2017

Self harm

I know you hurting, I know you not okay, I know you want to be loved so I'm just going be here and support you, I won't judge you, I love you. 

Ever want to hear those words ? Ever feel so alone and there nothing to live by ? Well I know how you feel because That's all I log for. To be love and not to be judge. 

Recently I shared with my small group that I'm a self harmer. A cutter. 
I will be more open about this in more of my blogs when I'm ready but I thought I would share on this subject and encourage those who struggle with this to know that You not alone. You are love. Reach out because there are people who care for you and remember just because you struggle with this doesn't mean you are not value. You are. 

So if I could write to you the self harmer, this is how it gos....

Dear you the one who finds yourself with blades of no hope, with tears passing its edge ready to break your pain away, hear me, read me, there is hope, be strong. Its okay everything will be okay. No matter how many cuts you make you still so very special. So to you the..
.. The one who is in a storm of blood and alone in a wall of blades remember... You not alone and that I love you ". 

Thursday, 26 October 2017

The flow can't keep me down

As I was walking up stairs with joy and thinking of God great wonders I came across to the top where 2 ladies were standing, the one grab me and the one hit me , at that point all my thoughts of God turn to angry thoughts, what took place remains a shock in me, after what happen I sat down and started to pray but some how nothing came out to God, it was as if I was swinging words to him but I couldn't hear them or speak them. 

Some how I found myself in a job where not only I'm unhappy but I get bully alot and some what I'm not protected, I ask God why he hasn't kept his promise where I will return to where I use to be and help people because I know I'm called for that and all I hear is a soft inner voice that "whispers wait on me "

In this time I should prepare my grave yard because if suicide isn't going kill me the people who bully me are so what the heck is God waiting for ? 

Oh just wait on the sky while the sun comes up and watch it bright the earth and people running with joy while I'm waiting in a box full of bullies,  I guess the best thing I could do is wait on him, I mean most people waited longer then 15years in the bible for their promise, and here I am waiting !

I'm greatful for my job, it pays my bills and covers my rent but I can't help but pray to spend all those hours helping people instead, I feel like I'm losing something as if I'm missing a huge part of my life, somewhere it stands there waiting for me in hidden waves of many strive battles and thats what its all about , the battles that will always remain, that will forever be there but it doesn't mean God isn't there , it doesn't mean Jesus doesn't love me because he does. 
So here I was sitting in prayer and as I over come the shock of what happen one thing remain and only one thing, "THE LORD JESUS IS WITH ME "
I guess I had that number one question we all ask if Jesus is with me and if he loves me why on earth would he allow this ? I guess that would be a huge blog that would most likely turn to nothing less but to turn this one in to something ness,

"Perhaps the wind isn't the wind perhaps its a heavy flow trying knock you down but the only thing about that is that the heavy flow will never be able to keep you down 👇".

Tuesday, 17 October 2017

God calls the broken

I look at the screen and my thoughts freeze like brain freeze but much colder and as I think about it I have become colder with no understand to any thing at this current moment... 
Moments what are they ? Why are they just moments? Why not forever ? Oh thank the Lord they not forever I mean... Some moment are just.... I don't know... I don't know what to write in this blog, perhaps I should encourage you to be strong while I feel none of that, perhaps I should make a joke , I'm good at that while sitting deep down is a little girl crying her self out ". 

Where do I begin ? What oh what do I write about ? Should I just say like it is dear ? Then again who cares what I got to say? And that's what I'm going write about. 
My words. The very words that have the power of life and death but what do I know hey ? 

I recently was left with a fall in my heart, like a water fall but this was a different one, where loads of different emotions were falling inside of it, I had a question for God. Why do I speak when nothing I ever said matter ? Why? when I say something I'm other not right to feel this way or I should be more like Christ like" I just didn't understand anything. Let's rewind.... 

So about a week back I was faced with some hash words at me, where there was disagreement of choices I made because I felt God tell me to do. 
When a few people were very against this new choice I made I fell on my knees asking God if I heard right, if it was him !  I told him I wasn't going do this anymore because I didn't want any "drama " and I wanted to listen but as I prayed and and searched for answers I felt the Lord ask me , who do you believe in ? are you going disobey me because of others? Having these questions at me I felt like I had lost my faith, like I wasn't a child of God at all. 
Then God went deeper and told me though a drawing that I had "lost " my heart for his people. I was angry at God because I really do love people but when he showed me his plans I fell on my face begging for forgiveness ! 

The choice I had to make ? Well... As you all know I'm a Christian I believe in Jesus and I love him. 
I recently had some really some hash things happening at work when I decided to do something which my fellow Christian peeps were against which was praying with Muslims. I didn't like this idea but I felt the Lord encourage me to which I did. After one day praying with them I felt like something changed. I didn't pray to their God. I simply prayed in the same room but to Jesus. After a lot of people were against it I stoped in fear. my words to God was this. Lord if you want me to do this then you will send someone to tell me to pray with them. I left it at that. 

Just almost a week after it when God told me I lost my heart for his people a day latter a lady came up to me and told me that one of the ladies I prayed with was a Christian and that she turn to a Muslim. 

I was filled with angry. Because I knew at that moment God wanted me to speak into her life. While I was praying with them I notice that the one lady sounded like a Christian but I didn't pay attention. Now it made sense. I allow everyone around me to disobey God and to walk away from him. I had to show love and compassion to the Muslims. Because among them lay a fellow back slider which was me awhile back. I know I'm not there to save her. I can't save her. Only Jesus can. 

So the thought I leave with you is are we going listen to people or to God ? I guess when I saw God plan with all of this I was like Jesus you can't Use me. I'm a nobody and I'm struggling in my own struggles how can I speak and lead people to you when I myself am in a dark tunnel. 

God didn't call the saved to help the broken. God called the broken to help the broken. 

Saturday, 30 September 2017

The blue car around the conner from me !!!!

as I was walking my dog we came across a house , which I admire, it was very pretty ! I recently moved to a new area which has been so challenging since it reminds me so much of my childhood ! as I was standing in front of the house I saw a blue car that looked just like the car the therapist who hurt me drives, my heart started beating like a speeding flea! I decided to come around again the next day to see if there was 2 cars since she has 2 cars. the next day I was walking my dog and we came across the house and I stood their in shock there was 2 cars standing there and I was freaking out ! we walked to the river near by and I just scream asking Jesus what the heck was he doing?! was he trying kill me ? cause this sure was going knock me over !

I mean how on earth is this possible! I was super angry with Jesus and when I heard Jesus he was laughing at me ! I was more angry ! poor dog was so calm ! I love him !

as the weeks went by I realize I was not coping at all, when I went to see my mentor she gave me some advice and to look for ways to cope with this.

I was far from coping with this matter! what was God up to ? does he want me to be friends with this person who has broken me over and over and given up on me ! I refuse ! does he want me to be nice to her and build a r.ship with her ? I refuse ! as my angry grew God mercy on me grew even more, he showed me that with grace I could face this and love her.

one Sunday I was at church and decided to avoid her because I was not in the mood at all , I was dealing with everything , when I made a quick duck after church, latter that afternoon I went to walk my dog and as I was coming back she was walking on the road with her husband , I was super angry ! now I can't hide from her !

as we greeted and went our ways I got home and fell in to tears ! I didn't understand what was going on ! I didn't know how to cope how to love her. I mean I love her but in a distance ! as I went searching for answers I came across this and hope it encourages you too.

If you are faced with a mountain, you have several options.

You can climb it and cross to the other side.

You can go around it.

You can dig under it.

You can fly over it.

You can blow it up.

You can ignore it and pretend it’s not there.

You can turn around and go back the way you came.

Or you can stay on the mountain and make it your home.⛰

Wednesday, 27 September 2017

The help I log for.

I try over and over again to reach out for help but I realize I can not be help, I realize nobody around me can help me, and when I fall deep down in the shallow pit of depression I am all alone and that's how it will always be, my birth mother couldn't handle me, my adopted family couldn't handle me, the teachers couldn't handle me, the people iv come across as an adult couldn't handle me and I sit here with this huge burning question why Jesus why can't I get help? why can't anyone handle me ? why can't the blue car help me ? why can't the red car help me ? why can they help people who rape abuse and harm others but can not help me ? Jesus what's wrong with me ? please tell me why ? now that I want it, there none, everyone says I must not give up, I must keep on fighting but everyone has given up on me they have stop fighting for me so Jesus can I be loved ? can anyone ....just love me ? why Jesus can't you heal me ?

Saturday, 23 September 2017

I don't want to live

as I walked in to the doors I spent so many days at I now walked in as an outsider, I turn and a lady who was there for me but shut me out for months was sitting there, she smiled and with joy she greeted me my friend ! pain hit me but I stood there smiling hey ! how's it ? as we had a quick chat while I was waiting for my mentor she asked me is it going better now ? I stood there with so much hurt and reply "yes" I'm happy now. a lie that noone knows about but me. as I walked up stairs of the building that tore me apart little does anyone know that this would be the last time I walk these stairs. I walked in to mentor office she greeted me and said I could sit while she Finish's something off, as I turn to sit I looked at the desk of the therapist who broke me , with pain I sat down, and thought of how I use to just speak to her with no pain in my heart and now I have so much.... as I waited I turn to a book that lay next to me I picked it up and realize how much I truly missed reading.
my mentor finish off and we went for a ice cream, as we were catching up I wanted to tell her my hurt , my pain I carried over a year now but I couldn't , I realize nothing I said matter, and my plan was in place , and she wouldn't see it coming, she didn't think I would end my life noone did but now it was time to show the world that they were wrong. as she shared how she didn't want to know of my suicide thoughts I felt a hard knock in me, maybe she felt helpless ?

maybe the world was better without me, maybe I was meant to be dead, perhaps noone would miss me, I was alone more then ever, no matter how hard I try going to church and working hard nothing made me happy or gave me a reason to live for.
so you reading this and you thinking oh boy here she again talking about suicide...she not going do it ? or oh boy we better get help ? but what help ? what help can you get someone who doesn't want to live anymore ?

I don't want to live anymore. everyone gets married and has children and grows old and lives happy ever after and why do I want that ? why do I want the clock ticking at me telling me I have less and less time to grow old and be a mother ...?

nobody ever cared while I was around and why then do I have to be around ?
so perhaps this is not good bye or perhaps this is good bye....

Tuesday, 19 September 2017

Just one more time

just one more time I want to awake from this night mare of change,change I can not change, change I am unable to run from, like the waves of the sea ready to hit the shore with a mighty power so is the power of healing but the question I ready better yet am I ready  to just fly In to the hearts that wait along me or around the conner, am I ready to love or even open my eyes just abit, like owls standing tall on broken branch's of trees that never die so is this road of recovery" just one more time I want to awake from this night mare of change, change written all over the roads I walk, change the remote there a new story about to hit me in fear I run to my room and lock my door and close my eyes in wonder... just one more time perhaps I could awake from this.....change of words that's about to hit me even the storms of hails can't change the story about to hit my life...just one more time let me close my eyes in fear yet hope of a new chapter...

Friday, 15 September 2017


Some of you struggle to pray but praying is simply talking to Jesus in your own special way, my up coming blogs are to those who struggle in this area and I hope they help you with Jesus to become closer to him. I myself struggle in this area however when our church open a prayer room I learnt that I could just be me before the Lord and speak from the heart because after all that's all he ever wants.

Dear Jesus I know that right now I'm angry so instead of lashing out in raves of storm I'm going praise you and thank you for everything you do for me. I may not understand everything right now but I understand you died on the cross for me and you suffered for me because you love me so much, because I'm so important because I matter, because I rock your world and I'm awesome, Jesus you love me and I love you too, if I close my eyes I see myself dancing in your arms and there nothing but you and I and peace of all so Jesus I'm going end off thank you for hearing me, for loving me, for being there even when I feel other wise, thank you our r.ship is not based on how I feel but on what I believe and Jesus I believe in you, You Lord are my father and I give you all the praise.

Friday, 8 September 2017


We in to part 2 and now we take a look at (light) the new mirror God has given me, hope, the will to fight on not just for people but for myself, as we see in the post before that in the photos i have uploaded i was by myself and that part of my dark side, I back away from people and crawl in to an ice block and bam i suffer by myself, however God is a god of relationships and he wants us to build it with each other, he wants us to love everyone just as we love ourselves yet the devil will do anything to keep us from doing this.

I struggle to hold relationships infact im much better at making them but keeping them is a huge issue and I really felt stuck in this area however God has given me hope and has set me in a wonderful church that is all about relationship and family and boy has this been hard for me but this is part of the new mirror God has given me. 
when I think of my church I smile,

I love the people and those who have hurt me I try to love more,that hurts so much, but loving them has just bless me in so many ways and im truly grateful at the fact that God has allow them to break me because now I know real blessing. 
what is light? well my light world is this, where im able to have healthy relationships and to have joy and to dance in my own happiness !to be me without explaining who i am and just living, my new mirror begins at taking a new step in to a new change of mind thinking and taking a look at the bigger picture, its hard to look in a different way but it truly changes everything.

my post of darkness was short because I want to keep it like that, i dont want to give praise to darkness anymore but only Jesus, i want to jump for him and talk about him. I have allow bad things and set backs to ruin my life I no longer want to give in to that.

I have watched myself give up and now I want to fight for my new mirror. my new mirror is only life ful things seeing my self forces on helping people and seeing them out of there own darkness  can I do this? hell no but can Jesus ? heaven yes!

In this world we going have many set backs but we must be strong in the Lord jesus and trust him all the way!  we must not suffer alone, we must suffer together because the devil wants us to suffer alone but we are meant to face set backs with each other, We need people we need each other.

To end off....

What in your life is light? Is there any at all or have you allow the devil to blow it out? perhaps you in a dark hole with nobody around...The devil has you where he wants you the most, what are you going do to get out and find your light? 

I  say this... start a small fire and people will find you. what does this fire look like? you decided! 


So my blog of the new mirror bought some questions and I would like to bring 2 new parts in to it where I want to take a look at each mirror the old and the new.
Lets take a look at the old in this post.
As a person who struggles with suicide I struggle a lot with the dark world, when I speak of the dark world I am speaking of my own (dark world)
I see my own dark world with myself thinking of dead things and thinking about the dead world, even harming myself, I could see myself fall in to this darkness and perhaps people around me saw this darkness, as I take a look at the photos I have taken over time I see such a powerful testimony that I can not keep to myself. I guess the only way I knew how to cope was to fall in to this dark world of  mine, every time something happens or a set backs hits me I fall harder and harder, I refuse to fight for myself but harm myself as if im punishing myself,
When we get set backs we have 2 choices, we can choose to work though it or we can refuse to work though it and fall in to a deep dark hole and perhaps die in it.
Sadly I chose to not work though my pain I encounter after leaving the program I was on, instead I fell in to darkness and for months I did not fight  for myself. I allow a evil picture to take place in my head about the people who hurt me instead of going to them and working though it with them.
I choose to hold on to the new mirror God has given me and hold on to him who has saved me from sin even more from death.
In your own life is there some darkness and how have you overcome it?

Tuesday, 29 August 2017

The hero that doesn't let you down .

Have you ever really thought of someone just being your hero? Like someone who just sees you for you and will save you from all your downs ? Someone you look up to, perhaps someone who inspires you. 
I have, My hole life people just walk over me and gave up and one day I came along my mentor who I love so much ". 
She inspire me to keep fighting cause she showed me so much grace , however she too left me for a few months , during those months we kept in contact yet my life was spinning out of control, when she came back I thought she would help me turn it around, I was so dead wrong not only did she refuse to help me, she ended up hurting me in a way I thought I wouldn't cope with, Yet she taught me such a value lesson about life, that is to fight for what you want and believe in. 

I recently found out she invited one of my old co workers to her wedding yet not me " after I heard this I was about to send her a very long angry email cause that's what I do best :) 
But then God was like why ? Why are you wasting your words ? Tell me how you feel , I am your hero. " 

I fell and had a crying party because he was so right. We cling on to people who only hurt us and reject us , we make them our hero's yet they are only humans and they not perfect and they going let us down. Always but God he will never let us down. He will never leave us or hurt us. He loves us so much. 

As I try to reach out to my mentor I realize she cares but not the way I would like her to and that's not her fault. I realize that with anyone I want them to be this perfect Angel but they not and that's okay. 

When my mentor hurt me I didn't feel angry or sad I in fact was like Lord I got you and only you. Her hurt didn't matter because it couldn't get deep down inside me. I mean her actions did hurt  me but I realize you other want me in your life or you don't. You make the choice but for me there so many people in this world who would want me in their life and I should find them better yet I should not make them my hero but I should cling on to Jesus cause he's the hero that will never let me down!

I mean he took all punishment and place it on himself and I will never get that infact i dont think i will ever understand his love for me. His love is great and its all we need more then anything ! We need a super hero and Jesus is that hero ! As you reading this in your life what area do you need a super hero for ? Maybe its just the down part , maybe its the "needs" part , I am here to tell you that you need him in all your parts, the sad and the happy. He will never never let you down as I have said over and over ! Is Jesus your super hero ?

Sunday, 20 August 2017

The new mirror

A question that keeps coming up in my life is (do I want to get well )  For months even years I couldn't face the answer or even think about it,  and here I am about to share my answer, an answer I was always ashamed of. Yet as I am writing this, I am not ashamed to speak of my answer. 
My mentor asked me this awhile ago and for the first time (I think) I was honest about this question. Do you want to get well she asked ? You always ask me that ! But as I sat there I began to share the answer I hide from everyone for years. 

No I don't want to get well. My answer shocked me even. As I went in to details and thought about what I said after our meeting my heart fell in to a deep shallow of weeps. 

I am so afraid of getting well. I don't know what that looks like. I'm so use to rejection and pain and pity. I'm so use to feeling suicide and doing it. I was okay with it. I was alright with harming myself because being happy scared me. It scared me so much that I limit myself and missed out on life so much while everyone around me was moving on I was stuck in my pain and I didn't know how to get out of that. 

I came before the Lord and asked him often to change my heart. To help me to want to get well or at least desire to get well, for now I have the desire to want the desire to get well and perhaps that's all I need to have. 

This past weekend our church had a ladies camp and I had to face some hurts and really put my pain aside and allow God to do what ever he wants and even if that was me showing love to those who deeply hurt me I had to do it and I did but what really stood out for me was I went there with the mind of wanting some breakthrough. I really really was so burn out and so tired, I was really scared I would in fact end my life so when the door for woman camp open I was all open for it, and when I went there with that mind set God just bless me in so many ways I can't even explain it here, what I can explain is while I was being kind to the people who deeply hurt me I was becoming more alive then ever before, for the first time in months I had lived, I awoke and began to have some fun.
As we got to the camp site I was walking around just waiting for others to come when the lady who I drove with came to me and asked me if I would be keen to be media for the weekend, I was like yeah ! Bring it on ! Oh how taking photos of woman praising Jesus changed my view on the Lord so much infact it changed my view on life , I was the one taking photos of powerful moments, those very moments we will never get back. 
Perpahs that was God plan all along to stop me in my depression tracks and fill me with life all over again and perhaps that could help me to want to get well. 
As drawn broke on Sunday morning I found myself sitting in a tire along the sounds of life going though the photos I took over the weekend and as each photo went pass my eyes so a moment went deep in to my heart. Sitting there and laughing at some Radom photos I realize that God did answer someone prayer perhaps many who has been praying for me for months , I sat there smiling and whisper to God , Jesus perhaps I want to get well now perhaps I'm not too scared perhaps I'm ready. 

I can't say that suicide won't go away and I can't say it will always be there perhaps there will be a time where I will wake up and bam I'm healed! But intill then I choose to slowly take steps to that day and even if that's baby steps that's all good. The most powerful thing I learnt this weekend was to take one step at a time, it doesn't haven't to happen all in one go ! Breath and encounter life as it is. Perhaps I got my life back all over again or perhaps I had it all along and I never realize it. 

To end off as morning broke we were all in our beds when we heard a loud noise and when the lady checked some how the mirrow fell and broke, I was abit surprise and didn't take really note on it but when I was sitting latter with the camera of photos I felt the Lord say to me, I have broken your Mirror of life and given you a new one, and at that I was so touch that deep in my heart I cried out to the Lord Jesus and praise him for hearing my prayers. 
Jesus understands my struggle and he with me all the way, healed or not healed I will praise him even when there heavy clouds because I have a new Mirror and I'm going to hold on to it !

Sunday, 13 August 2017

The hello and good bye box

Life sucks specially when we are place in a "box" thie world is all about a box. If you fat then they box you, if you thin then they box you, if you just a little bit different then they box you, in reality the world only allows normal and rebukes any idea of "different" how sad is that really ? 

Its hard when you stand out but let's face it some of us were made to stand out because that's how God created us. 

As I was standing In church waiting for someone, my old therapist was around , It was super hard for me to be there normally I slip away but this time I had to wait for someone, as she made eye contact I looked at her and thought girl I'm going punch you, and walked across the room. 
I didn't know what made me angry towards her, maybe it was the hurt she left me, or the pain, perhaps it was the fact we didn't have any kind of relationship and that really upset me that she could only say hi and goodbye she didn't care about anything else and that was very difficult for me. 
I hate people who box you in the hello and good bye box. God Is a God of relationship  and he wants everyone to have a relationship.
As I was standing by the other side I wanted to run to the therapist and hug her and tell her to say sorry to me, beg her to love me and fight for me. If there was anything I wanted most was to see her fight for me and to love me but deep down I knew that wouldn't happen. Not now at least. 
When it comes to her or to anyone like her I have 2 choices to avoid and pray for the people or to face them and fight for them. 
Iv learnt that only God fights for me. He knows our hearts and he restores things but only if we ask him. 

We live in a world where we are in the hello and good bye box , stand out and break out of it. God had called you to have relationship with everyone and to love them just as he has loved us. Never give up. There is hope. 

Sunday, 6 August 2017

The rights of those who are refused to be help

As I walked out of church , it was the first time I walked out with so much rage, I walk out those doors in tears and angry but never with so much rage like this, I pulled my fist together and wanted to punch someone, I wanted to explod, so what lead to this ? 

As you all know I write a lot about the program I was on, I try my best to not go to much detail as I also want to protect them but often I don't know why I want to do this since they keep throwing stones at me, 
Being there for 18months changed me but after being refused to be help I just went back to the person I was once Was. 

I'm not the first person they have refuse to help in fact during the months I was not there I spent a lot of time talking to people who was on the program and now even worse I discoved that I  am not the only one who is in pain but how could I help these people ? Why was I so angry when I heard that they didn't want to help them ?

A lady at our church was also on the program, I did my best to encourage her to stay there yet she too chose to leave and she too suffered as I did, I learnt today that she had to send her child to someone since she couldn't feed him. I was so angry and when she went to the program they refused to help her. I was super mad when she told me I had to really cool off before I spoke to anyone. During this time I thought about taking this matter further, surely we had rights. Surly we had a voice and surly we shouldn't be getting this treatment at all. I was right the law was on our side but I have to make the most difficult choice, to turn to the law and to lose people I love the most because of it or to some how find a way to excape this path and find a way where we all as people have rights and are protected but how could I do this ? 

I'm so tired of hearing people being refused of being help, I'm so angry that people can get hurt and turn back to their old way and bad habits. 
I had to end a friendship due to the program since this person was so hurt by them and I didn't want to hate them more because at the time I was dealing with my own pain they had caused me. I wanted to hold on to the good and to the things they did for me, because in every bad event there is good things but as time went by I became more forces on the bad because all I heard and saw was bad. 

I feel like the devil is really trying to pull me away from the church I am at because they support the program plus the therapist who really hurt me gos there, I strongly feel that what ever I do or say doesn't matter because I'm not heard. Maybe Jesus wants me to show grace and maybe he wants me to pray for them but I'm only left with so much rage that even when I'm struggling with hectic things I can't turn to them because I feel I will not be heard. 
Everyone has the right to be heard, everyone has the right to refuse help and everyone has a right to be help, everyone has a voice yet you get people trying to tie these people mouths together so they are not heard. 

I have a right to feel the way I do. I have a right to end my life. I have a right to feel trap and I do. I feel so trapped its un real. I have had to go without food and I have had to face being bully and attack and iv had to face rejection. Now I'm working and yet I'm going down hill because people are bully me and that makes me feel trapped and when I can't get help or to just simply *talk* about it I just fall in to bad habits and fall down all over again. 

Do I have the right to be on the ground and have someone lift me up and save me ?

Friday, 4 August 2017

Fight on

Life is hard, there is so many challenges and set backs but we have to fight but we have to find a reason to fight. For the past year I had given up, I was still falling in to hard pattens, I only went down hill and kept going down hill. My mento always asks me what will make me to want to fight for me ? I wondered what will want me to fight ? I had no hope. In fact even being a Christian I still find myself to be dead, I had no fight left in me. I want to die. I don't want to be in a world where I don't belong. 

As I faced my struggles I came across this message. 

(Dont act like you are walking around with a Tshirt that says "I give Up!" on the front and on the back saying "I never started trying!"
People can bring you down, situations happen, YOU can feel like Life is the shittiest thing to deal with. BLAH BLAH BLAH..
If you're walking through Hell, keep going! Everyday there's a new challenge. Face it! Deal with it! Move on! To every problem there is a solution or a way around it.. Stop being a sour mongral and think life owes you something..
No one will do anything for you these days. Start fighting. Get rid of ALL the shit people in your Life. Grow some balls of steel and work progressively through everything. Step by Step or what ever mad method you have to get you back in line again.
Who cares, if people don't like you, BURN that mother of a bridge down. It was never meant to be.. Build New ones! Many roads to cross and new paths on life to Explore..
It starts with YOU.. And if people want to judge you, tell them to F/O and look in the mirror. Time for a new game.. It's called "Take over the World" WHOOOP WHOOOP) 

That's pretty inspiring, wise and so true. Guess what ? My birth mother wrote this. As I read this I was in deep shock. I knew God was talking to me and he was talking to me though my mother. That's what I needed but I needed to hear that from her. 

My birth mom and I have had a long journey but I love her no matter what. She my mom and no matter what we disagree on, she still my mom. My mom very wise. Very in to writing when she feels like it too ! 

As I was thinking about what I just read I realize I needed to fight for myself but for her too. She the reason why im here. She carried me for 9 months! 

I wanted to give up I still do, and I did, for a year I fell and fell hard but now I'm crawling again and I want to walk and then run. Iv had a shit year but that's okay I'm still here. For some reason. I must fight on and everyone who feels like I do. We must fight on !

Monday, 31 July 2017

Dear who ever reading this.....

Dear who ever reading me run from the pain.. .cover me with layers of sticks so I don't be discovered, dear who reading me face the blue car before I die.... Help me love her so I can let go....dear who ever reading me be normal just like everyone else, help me reach the life they have... Dear who ever reading this.... Block all the green people before they get under my skin and kill me again, lift the bin they carry and throw me out into living waters of hope...dear who ever reading this... Don't blink...because if you do...I just might not be around.... Dear who ever reading this.... Save me please.... From my old patten self... Lift me up and place me in a car of hope and help me drive forward away from all the cars who trying kill me....dear who ever reading this....throw the guitar the blue car plays and smash it so it doesn't hurt me again, let the strings tie me together and live again, let there be hope in the brokenness , let the impossible happen...dear to who ever reading this...find the hope and send me there but I beg you send me away from the blue car so I can and drive and live ever happy after...dear who ever reading this....wipe me with jelly beans and shift me away with chocolate bars but before you do that, don't let me be eaten...but let me melt so my pain can end....dear who ever reading this...

Sunday, 30 July 2017

Suicide attempts, when will the bell ring ?

Walking along the bright green trees with large buildings around me, with a loud bell ringing so loud , it can only mean one thing, a church is ringing it for each hour. I wonder when my hour will come ? When the phones of my loved ones will not stop ringing, when they are face with so much tears but will they have tears ? Or will they celebrate the coming of the end ? 

I have try over and over to end my life, since the age of 9. That's a long time. As the years have pass it has become more lonelier with noone to turn when I'm so suicidal. Now I have to turn to ways to help me cope with my suicide mind. 
Awhile back I took over 100 pills and after I took them I decided to go to small group that evening. I remember I kept vomiting. The people wanted to know what was up but how could I tell them ? That I took over a 100 pills and wanted to die ? I mean what kind of Christian was I ? 

The next day I went to the docters and was told that I should be dead or in a coma yet a day latter I walked out those doors. 

During this time I was all *alone * I had noone. I mean how can I tell someone I want to die ? They other tell me I must get help or they will pray for me. Never once will they support me during that time. And I guess that's why people don't talk about it. 

If there anyone I have the most respect for its my mentor who has supported me though my suicide attempts. She has been there no matter what and because of it I always try some how tell her I'm suicidal. Of course life goes on and now I can't really reach out to her. I can't tell her hey I want to die help me. She will other tell me to get help. 

When all I need is support from the people I care about. I often wonder when my suicide attempts will be the last. When I wake up in heaven and have no more pain.

I remember my adopted mother told me I'll always be alone. I'll always mess things up. Maybe she was right. But I know one thing when I come so close to death and I'm always alone and it shouldn't be that way. I shouldn't have to try and end my life because of my pain. I should have support yet that's a huge lack. 

Perhaps something needed to change. When I think of the person who might have ended his life at church I think of the fact how lonely he was and how he couldn't talk about it. How he felt because I know how he felt. If only I could have done something. Spoken to him , some how reach out even if its telling him I also want to die and that's okay. 
At the end of the day we need support and we need to speak but in the Christian world suicide is seen as an abolish so sinful. 
When its not. 
Just the other day I read a bible plan on how (suicide can be forgiven ) I was mad ! Its like saying flu can be forgiven or cancer. Its like saying we choose to be sick. Well fuck that pastor who wrote that ! WE DO NOT CHOSSE TO BE SICK. 
I mean wtf ? I am a Christian and a follower of jesus but I draw the line when it comes to this topic. I will not be ashamed to challenge anyone on this topic. Mental health is not a choice. We do not chosse this. In fact all I ever pray is jesus heal me ! Why do I want to die ? Kill me please ! 
Sometime I don't get why he doesn't heal me but I put my trust in him and I believe one day I will be healed even if its only in heaven. 

I'm not ashamed to say I want to die. You shouldn't be either. Talk, shout, knock on doors. Find someone who will listen and be strong. 

Wednesday, 26 July 2017

fed up

I am just plain tired of people sitting me down and saying why are you trying end your life , why do you want to die when people tell me so many dam shit things and mock me bully me and reject me it's a load of crap really. I mean who would want to live this dam life really ? 

Just tonight someone from our church sends me this voice note telling me I should not run or avoid things and that God can heal me. But what IF God doesn't heal ? I am sick and tired of dam Christians only seeing all the nice happy things, I am fed up people telling me God wants to heal me! What if I don't want to be healed ? What if I just want to die and go to heaven and be in peace ? Again I ask you who the f would want to live this dam life ?!  
Nobody gets it really , nobody understands the pain one carry's, all I have done is try and please people but I am dead because of these dam people who broke me and destroyed my life. They drive happy and forget me while I'm trying put myself together but yet I can't and in the end I die because of them. 
Who cares when I'm gone ? Who gives a cows meat ? I have knocked on many doors for help and many doors have shut down and here I am unhappy , people don't hear me when I say it hurts because what I say doesn't matter. None of my pain matters. In fact I don't matter.

Tuesday, 25 July 2017

Rewind everything

Rewind everything , wipe away all the pain, rewind the past and fit it with a radio of air waves holding me together, rewind everything, wipe away all the scars left on my arms, throw them in the deep waters of apple juice, filled with leoms, rewind everything , take me to the day where I never saw the blue car , fit it into a ship and ship it away with all the green people , rewind everything, take me back to the peaceful moments , no pain, no tears,  oh no.... Rewind everything because no peace ever was, pain was always with gun shots hitting my head with blunt words only to slowly kill me...rewind everything ....find something ...besides the blue car place me there and re forward everything, change the outcome the pain oh please ....rewind everything  change it oh please change it..... 

Saturday, 22 July 2017

One year gone .

When I think back of the day I left the program I remember it very clearly, some people were happy to have me gone in fact I don't remember anyone trying fight to keep me there, it was most likely a happy time I guess, its been a year now and still I cry and mourn the great loss I encounter. I have had to fight to survive while the people there move on and forget about me when there not a day I do not think of them, its been a very hard year, I have fallen in to some bad habits and often I would not have any food, I think that was the worse part for me when I lay in bed thinking of the people and being so hungry and be like what the heck is going on ?! Some days I had no food, some days I spent sleeping and some days I spent crying. When I look over the year I can hardly believe I made it but I have, and all praise goes to Jesus.
I have had to reach out for help with my church and that was the hardiest part of it all, to say hey I'm in need, I'm in trouble, help me, and I must say even though the church couldn't help with everything there are amazing people who really help and I really look up to them. Reaching out for help is so important and its a must.
When I started to go more to small group I could see that help me and the support they gave me was something I really needed at the time. I could not be alone I knew I needed to be around people during this difficult time.
I have had a full time job for about a month now. This is really my first real full time job besides the job program I was on, most of the other things I did was part time work or volunteer work.
I have had to face many challenges and many difficult things but I have learnt so much and if there anything I love its learning and working hard !

I have met many people who have other been kind or bully me and its really taken my view on life different.

To be bully is not cool at all, I don't only get bully at work I get bully *everywhere* and that's really bull. ...

Just this Friday I had a huge out burst when people I was hanging with was talking bad about other people, I was so mad that I started to cry and flip out and kicked the bin and might have broken it !...
It was the first out burst I have had since leaving the job program, and I must say it felt good afterwards!

A sign of suicide is out burst because one keeps so much inside that something so small can hit the person and bang !

I have had a lot to deal with for the last year and I have had no help for any of it and I guess I'm going flip because I'm pretty much refuse to get help ! Anyways... Back to the job ...
As I kicked the bin I stood about to leave and quit my job when 2 lady's came in, the one trying to calm me and the one praying for me, when she was praying that changed everything, I realize I missed that so much as I had that almost every  day at the program I was on and now I hasn't had it for so long. After my out burst people came up to me and was like are you alright ? I really wanted to fall down and be like no pray for me!

Being in the real world is hard. Working 5days a week for about 9 hours a day it can be very hard and when you in a place where people are just mean it's even more hard but the high light of my job is that I can pay my rent, buy my food and live and while I'm doing this I can learn so much.

I guess that I'll always be sad and torn over what has happen over the last year but I am alive and I am here , life is tough but the main thing we have to forces on is Jesus and the love he has for us.
Never be afraid of reaching out for help, some people will gladly help you , others will watch you suffer and that's okay they are just plain stupid and you know that !
Always remember you are loved and you do matter.

Can I do it ?

As I was talking about my struggle of suicide, about all the times I have try to end my life , the person looked at me and asked me one question that left me with lots of thoughts. I was asked cat you have "try " over and over to end your life but do you think you will do it ? Do you think maybe you only go half way because you hope that someone will save you ?

One of the things I was left with was does everyone think I wouldn't do it ? If they do that's a huge risk that could end my life, the other was if nobody thought I could go though it, I wanted to prove them wrong and that was big trouble for me. Another sign to suicide when you say something like this the person is going to have lots of thoughts and one of these thoughts is this.
" I'm going prove them wrong, they don't know my struggle. "

My another thought was why would I want to be saved ? I mean really why the heck do I want to be save by anyone ? I have Jesus and that is enough for me or is it really ?

One of the things I had to face with learning about suicide is that Jesus isn't enough. Hearing the testimony of a lady who is a strong Christian sharing on how depress she is yet she does everything right, even trying think positive but that doesn't help, what she needed was someone by her side to hold her, to encourage her, to help her and to support her.

I hear many of these stories and I am left with angry because its the truth yet people end their lives because there isn't enough help.
So do I want to be save ? By someone ? I thought about the fact that could work for me, but then I realize that many people have try to help me yet they GAVE UP on me...
I do think when I get to the point of doing it I will be encouraged by all the people who gave up on me and I'll be seeing them behide me trying push me shouting "WE CANT HELP YOU."

Another sign of suicide which everyone misses.

Can anyone save me ? No, do I want to be saved ? No, do I want to help people though their struggles? Yes and I guess that's why I keep going on bit by bit. Yet the truth is I only live because Jesus allows it and when he takes me I will be happy because I'm not happy and that's okay.

You don't have to be happy. You only need to be *brave *.

Chester Bennington

When I woke up to the news that Chester died I was sad but when I read he ended his life my heart was so sore it is still sore! I was so shocked I hope it wasn't true !
Linkin park music help me a lot and it still does. Chester was my icon and to hear he died by suicide it is so heart breaking ! What makes me more angry is that there was signs that was missed, signs that could of saved his life and now only people are saying what could have we done ? Its so sad that the world will talk about suicide for a couple of days but then forget it intill it happens to someone famous again. Well I am here  to tell you we need to talk about suicide every day, every week and every month and every year. Suicide is taking lives and we need to stop it !

One of my all time songs of linkin park is "numb"

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

One of my favorite parts of the song is the above.

I am truly sadden we have to say good bye to someone who died of suicide, I am so heart broken. Chester help so many people yet he himself was not help and that what's sad ! May he rest in peace!!!!

What are you doing to save a life ?

Sunday, 16 July 2017

Be inspired

I want people to see these blogs and be inspired, I want people to have hope and to know even when bad things happen there is a way to push though. I have had many hardships and many set backs and I can simply say hey I'm going give up because people around me have given up or I can say let's try this again.
I know what's it like to be different and to be label and told so many things but I want the world to know even when things are said about you, you have the power to choose to say yes I take those words or no I refuse to !
I started these blogs just to have a way of coping yet these blogs have grown and people have been inspired, even When some do not make sense I still decide to post them because I know that it will touch people in some way.
This post is for all the people who have ready blogs and keep a look out on them, I want to thank you for your support and I want to encourage you to always be strong and to have faith, without faith we are nothing. I want to tell you that you are loved and that if I can do it so can you. There is many things I have not shared but I can tell you if some people went though what I have they would not be here today . I believe I am here because God wants Me to be the voice to the voice less. He wants me to show the world that no matter how much darkness there is you can have light and you can live.
May you always be inspired and may the Lord Jesus Christ always be the reason why you are inspired. May he use me to inspire you.
Always remember Jesus loves you.

Love or hate

As I was sitting at church with a Lady my old therapist came along greeted then took the lady with her and sat in a different spot, I didn't know what to feel or to say about it. I didn't know why she was doing her absolute best to hurt me. We have come a long way and for a year now she has pretty much box me and even when God has asked me to show grace towards her I just  am so broken because of her.
Let's rewind.. .

About a year ago she gave up on me and pretty much told me I could never be help, even when I gave up on myself she too gave up on me. In 2014 she came in to my life and changed my hole view on life. People who knew me well told me she did something to me because now I'm not angry and mad as I use to be. Never did I thought she would end up breaking me and making me so sick up to the point where I can't even hold myself together when I see her. Though it has gotten better. We attend the same church which makes life much more difficult. I don't do much at church because I just can't bare to be around her.
Of course I have not told her how I feel and how much she has really hurt me. I have given up trying because most of the Time I do she ends up avoiding me. Over  a year I have had all the time in the world to build up a picture of her in my head where I see her as miss devil trying to throw stick and stones at me. When we don't comfort someone about the hurt they have caused us we become bitter and it can lead to bad things. So far iv had lash outs with her by making a mean comment or sending her a pretty much angry email. Which I haven't none as much but I often write about her which has help a lot. What doesn't help is hiding from her because I can't bear her.

I don't know if I can say I love her or hate her, I just look at her and all I see is someone with an ax ready to chop me bit by bit. I use to love her so much I mean I would of died for her but now I just wouldn't care less.

How wrong am I even when God asked me to show grace towards her ? A person who gives up so easily And can't even face me ?
Sometimes I just cry and cry Intill I can't anymore because it's to painful to love someone who doesn't love you back who doesn't care.

Its so hard to be around people who give up so easily, who doesn't want you around and will do anything to hurt you. But you know what its okay to feel the way you do towards that person because if you don't knowledge how you feel you will only go much more worse then ever before.

When someone has hurt you so much don't hold back just let it out and work on getting well again. Alot of the time people pad up what they should be showing instead.

Be the brave one and look after yourself.

Saturday, 15 July 2017

The cover up

"If the church was full of people who loved no matter what and never gave up on people, there would be less suicide among the church ".quote by c smale

Recently I had to face some challenges around the word "suicide". Someone at a church died and a few people assume its suicide when I try to talk about this topic I was left with a huge knock on my head.

The Christian world sees this as murder yet the Bible talks about suicide in many ways.
I do not believe suicide is murder in fact its a result of something greater.

Even when people are talking about the fact this person could have died of suicide the church has done little too find out if it is and if it is they should  face it instead of coving it up and hey I mean this in no way of bad mouthing my church, I love them but I am pretty fed up with ***anyone*** who talks crap about suicide when they know**nothing** about it.

I remember when my old therapist sat me down and told me suicide is attention seeking even when she said sorry afterwards it meant nothing to me because from that moment what ever I shared with her I knew she didn't care and what she believed over wrote the real meaning of what I really felt. I mean who am I and who is she ? She a therapist and knows better? Spent years studying ? Has a degree and knows everything ? When I'm just someone who has try to end my life from the age of 9 and have spent years doing research on why I have done so and why people end their life I mean who am I really ? Just someone who keeps trying to end her life .... And that what gets me mad is that people can say but its so wrong when most people who end their life has a *mental illness * but hey mental illness is just seen as an evil thing its not an illness but a evil spirit...

A while ago I did a course at church and one of the session was on depression and suicide and how the real world is just acting like a victim. Oh feel sorry for me. Please ! Please just notice me.... Well that's bull shit ! Sorry I am also sick of people saying things like that ! You have no idea what's going on in one mind really.... I mean you don't wake up one day and say oh I'm depress I'm going end my life. Bull its a battle and a illness just like Cancer. Get a life to everyone who thinks suicide is just an act or murder. I am here to tell you other wise. There is someone right in front of you who needs help but its people like you who are the reason why they dead ! If you haven't already a must see TV series is 13 reasons and its really covers this subject.

Let's take a look at the bible and what it says about suicide

Funny enough the bible talks a lot about mental illness and suicide but hey this seems to past some people eyes....shame...let's pray for them....

Anyways back to the sharing.
I want to forces on this story today and I'll share more In other post.

( When Judas, who had betrayed him, saw that Jesus was condemned, he was seized with remorse and returned the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and the elders. “I have sinned,” he said, “for I have betrayed innocent blood.” “What is that to us?” they replied. “That’s your responsibility.”  So Judas threw the money into the temple and left. Then he went away and hanged himself.
Mathew 27.3-5 )

Everyone hates Judas because he betrayed Jesus yet Jesus loved him. Jesus knew he was going betray him yet he chose him. I mean if I knew someone was going betray me I sure in hell will get away from that person !
Judas felt trap and he felt so guilty that he betrayed blood when he try to fix what he did he saw no other way and went to hang him self and that was the final for him. Feeling trap can be a very major sign of suicide. Often not notice but this can be an end result. The fact of doing something so bad then seeing no way of getting out of it can lead to suicide. Let's face it what Judas did was unforgivable but I bet you if he did not hang himself jesus still would of come back and showed grace towards him. The very fact that he chose him shows this. The very fact the Judas knew he sin shows he knew he was wrong but still he hang himself.

Suicide is an end result but it can be stop but if its medical reasons then that's a different subject for another post.

What are you doing to know more of suicide and how can you save a life ?

Thursday, 13 July 2017

I have nothing to say (peom )

I have nothing to say to you the one who gave up on me... I have nothing to say to you the one who place me in a box and sent me to the un worthy department... I have nothing to say to you the one who sings in the band but can't even stare me in the face...and even when you punched me with your levels of high standards and forgot me for a year I still love you....stupid I am is written on my arms with blades that left blood stains and there you stand hiding away from me with you views of God all over the place and your hands up all over the sky but you can't even touch me with kindness or even with the love God has place in you...oh No I have nothing to say to you the one name who breaks me down when ever I hear it. Oh how she a an angel there for anyone but me.... I have nothing to you the one who drives a blue car and killed me while doing so... I have nothing to say because I'm a nothing in your eyes and forever more I'll always be but while you avoiding me...placing me in a box....hiding away from me....remember .....I have nothing to say to the one who I'm related to yet none of that will ever matter will it......