As I sit on the bridge beneath is the train tracks, as the birds fly past I notice the sounds they make flying across the tracks, with no worry at all, no need to work but fly free, freedom they know all about, I ask my self do I know what this freedom is like? Could it be flying or something more? As I sit people walk and run pass me, just a normal day, for me its Sunday which means church im 2 hours early and im sitting about to stand and jump, or do I really want to end my life and why do I feel this way? I wonder if God really loves me for the sin I carry around, I mean what normal person trys to end their life over and over? Why cant it just end what’s stopping me? As I stand about to jump for the 2nd Sunday in a row, maybe nobody would notice if I didn’t come to church or to work or to home, facing all the voices in my head hearing she not worth it, she always mess up, could these voices be real? Just a few hours ago I got a message from someone that changed my thinking, I was doing so well but now all I want to do is burst in to tears and ask God why doesn’t anyone obey to him? Why cant they obey him? Have no idea what im talking about? I don’t either. Its like a wave of words that hit me day by day, asking if everything I ever do will they take me back? Will they love me again? Why did they stop loving me? Why did they refuse to help me, and leave me in scars across my arms, they broke me but didn’t give a good hot dog about it….if I did all they asked and more, would it even matter hell no, because I don’t matter, dear Jesus tell me I matter, tell me you love me, tell me that you will heal me because I cant keep standing here, can I jump? Can you just take me so I can dance with you forever and run across lakes for life time? Is any of this worth it? Last time I try to jump from here a man came to me and asked me if I was okay? And if I was going jump that’s what I like to know and soon ill find, am I going jump and give up or fight for something that clearly doesn’t love me?
Friday, 17 February 2017
As I run for the train about to jump, cant even hold my breath, I feel a push and I jump on, everyone stares as if im crazy, I wonder if im crazy, as I stand half out the train door, thoughts and emotions race up and down, do anyone care? If I just jump would anyone miss me? Then again who would miss a special needs adult really? Say it like it is dear, they don’t care, and if I could tell someone how I felt, maybe ill feel better? Maybe if I could just speak and say im broken yet im doing so well in everyone eyes, I wonder how I do it? Am I even allow to wonder? Am I allow to feel this way? Sad and hopeless, could anyone love me? They don’t care, I am just rounding up tears for nothing, as the train about to stop I jump off and everyone shouting do you want to die? I wonder do I want to die, or I just want to be love and belong somewhere and now im face with all my pain of rejection but they don’t care, if I broke bones they wouldn’t care, if they got the call they wouldn’t care, just maybe running my thoughts out would just help, maybe if I ran out of breath the pain would stop, but they don’t care, the world treat as if there something wrong with me, and I wonder if there something wrong with me or if there something wrong with the world, am I even allow to feel this way? Maybe I can scream at everyone who mocks me, maybe I can scream at everyone who bullys me, maybe I can scream at everyone who hits me, oh dear Jesus I love to say that you don’t care but I know you do, but they don’t care, oh here comes cars the blue ones and they chasing after me, ready to kill me but I yell Jesus forgive them! They don’t care but as I run for something, a hope, a belonging, a search, I find it, but they don’t care
Monday, 6 February 2017
Walking among the sandy path of a field with birds flying over me, how beautiful this moment is, how wonderful is the sounds around me, dogs running past me chasing after the ball, how perfect is one moment God created, How perfect is he? Do we really know everything about the God who created the earth and the seas, every bit God created, and we humans try to be like him perfect, we try create things only God can create, we try be like God but really we don’t know who he is, The God that created the sun to rise and to go down, The God who created tomorrow, The God who allows tomorrow, The God who takes and gives, and how wonderful is it to know him? But really do we know how deep the sea is? Or how far it gos? Oh no we haven’t a clue, The God who gives us shoes, shirts and a roof over our heads, we are nothing with out him, did you ever think one day you wake up and bam you are standing in front of him? What will you say? God Im with you! Oh no, I wouldn’t even dare to call him God, God is a term of some objet really, There only one name I know him by , The father I always log for, the love of my life, my best friend, so really I step away and follow a way better path then the sandy one, a living water, because to some he the God we don’t know but to me? The father im getting to know and now its time to dive in to the river and say it like it is dear.