Saturday, 25 February 2017

The questions I ask myself.

As I sit on the bridge beneath is the train tracks, as the birds fly past I notice the sounds they make flying across the tracks, with no worry at all, no need to work but fly free, freedom they know all about, I ask my self do I know what this freedom is like? Could it be flying or something more? As I sit people walk and run pass me, just a normal day, for me its Sunday which means church im 2 hours early and im sitting about to stand and jump, or do I really want to end my life and why do I feel this way? I wonder if God really loves me for the sin I carry around, I mean what normal person trys to end their life over and over? Why cant it just end what’s stopping me? As I stand about to jump for the 2nd Sunday in a row, maybe nobody would notice if I didn’t come to church or to work or to home, facing all the voices in my head hearing she not worth it, she always mess up, could these voices be real? Just a few hours ago I got a message from someone that changed my thinking, I was doing so well but now all I want to do is burst in to tears and ask God why doesn’t anyone obey to him? Why cant they obey him? Have no idea what im talking about? I don’t either. Its like a wave of words that hit me day by day, asking if everything I ever do will they take me back? Will they love me again? Why did they stop loving me? Why did they refuse to help me, and leave me in scars across my arms, they broke me but didn’t give a good hot dog about it….if I did all they asked and more, would it even matter hell no, because I don’t matter, dear Jesus tell me I matter, tell me you love me, tell me that you will heal me because I cant keep standing here, can I jump? Can you just take me so I can dance with you forever and run across lakes for life time?  Is any of this worth it? Last time I try to jump from here a man came to me and asked me if I was okay? And if I was going jump that’s what I like to know and soon ill find, am I going jump and give up or fight for something that clearly doesn’t love me?

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