Thursday, 30 March 2017

Prayer that keeps healing me.

Our church has open a prayer room and I have really found myself in there a lot of my time, I could really sleep there, being in God house is something iv always log for, if I could live there I would!
I have been on a long journey with prayer before I came to this church, I  was at a prayer church before this one, and there set up is very  different and for me not real. When I came to this church they didn’t have a prayer room and there forces wasn’t on prayer but recently it has changed so much and I feel so strong that this is the real deal, I have visit so may church’s and have been planted in 2, I have really been on the search for truth, this is my 3rd church and it has really just changed my view on who I see Jesus, I really can just be so open with him, I can tell him what I think and really the not so good and he still loves me, Jesus really just wants to hear everything, and I really never saw that.
I have struggle with so much pain within the last few months and I really just had to be open about it to Jesus and honestly I told him I hated him for what happen and then I had to forgive him, it was healing for me. People think that he just wants to hear only the good stuff and that there is a way to pray but really there isn’t, he just wants to know EVERYTHING. Prayer is simply just talking, just being open, like you are with a friend, and Jesus is much more then that. I struggle so much with rejection as I have had so much rejection my hole life and to this day.  I really spoke to Jesus about this as he the only one who will ever understand my rejection, Jesus has faced rejection and he has face great pain and I really am so amaze at how no matter how much people reject Jesus he still loves them!
Prayer is all about healing and knowing Jesus and if you allow Jesus he will heal you, he will not force you, step by step he waiting for you to be open with him. Even if  its screaming out loud “I hate you” he still loves you and he wants to hear that. Jesus wants to hear everything are you willing to say something to him?
I love the story of David and How open he was with God about how he felt, He was never ashamed to tell him his hole heart and we shouldn’t either.
                                                                                           


Saturday, 25 March 2017

The 2 people who wont stop hurting me

I remember the first day I met teacher D, he was simply a jerk and I wasn’t going deal with it, he thought he was better then us, like we were nothing but really we are something, just the other day I was at the office where he works and he hasn’t changed one bit, I really was hurt by him and now he comes to me and wants to hug me? As if nothing happen? This was not the first time it happen and I hope it was the last, a pastor did the same thing to me, I mean really when you do something wrong say it and be sorry about it, but honestly the Christians I have met are never sorry they tell me I am rude and have no right to feel what I feel, Just the other Sunday OT D  came and touch me and wanted to be all nice to me and when I acted how I felt, she went along telling people I was rude but really she was just so stupid to do such a thing,  I mean doesn’t the bible speak about no gossiping?
Teacher D and OT D has always just been so hurtful, while teacher D speaks death over my life, OT D keeps walking out of it. I honesty hate the term I am not perfect because people tend to use it often and do the same crap over and over, and really its bull.

I have learnt to be friends with how I feel and know its okay to feel this way, ands really I love both these people but really they only want to be in my life when it suits them and as much as I love them I wont stand for it, ill stand my ground and be this angry bitter rude person that doesn’t even live, there one person that lives and that is someone who fights for love, for a home and for belonging, and to know Jesus more then ever, and if you reading this I am going say this like it is dear, That no matter how much you hurt me, and walk away from me ill always love you but taking care of myself and if that means being *RUDE* to you then so be it, you can not keep walking in and out my life dears…..

Sunday, 19 March 2017

The suicide note

If I had to write a suicide note and wanted the world to see it, it would go like this, with so much thoughts hitting me but most of all with no hope at all,  if I could say something it would go like this, stop bullying, its not pretty, it makes one feels hopeless unloved, be the one to love the unlovable. That includes mental ill people, stop treating them like crap because they are not crap, they are weak people who just need some help so be the help. Stop rejecting the ones who care and love you, just take a look at them and realize one day they wont be around. Stop mocking disability people, we all have some kind of disability  Stop lying and putting labels on to people stop making people give up so easy because they feel they cant do much. Stop saying you cant help  someone, the sky the limit anything possible, to the Christians who keep saying you not perfect but do the same thing over and over again remember you are pushing people away from Jesus and the hole mission is so people can know his love for them, no sin is higher then any other, we are all sinners and we all need the truth, and what is the truth? The truth is that we all need Jesus, and we need hope and if you are not the hope to someone they will give up, so this is what I have to say, the one who was label from birth, the one who always been rejected, the one who has lost hope, to the world, be an ear to the deaf, be an eye to the blind, be a hand to the handless, be a foot to the footless, be the hope they seek for, be the one to change the world, it takes one person to save a life be that person to save a life better yet be the one to love no matter what.

The blue car strikes again,

As I felt a touch on my left shoulder I knew that I would regret what I was going say, I try to say nothing but angry hit me like a lion about to kill his prey, and all the love I had for this person only went in to my box I hide inside of me, as I looked at her I didn’t see her as a sister but as someone who tore me apart and thought it was alright to do so, the very person who changed me had changed me yet again, as I stared right at her the words leave me  that’s what you do best hit me, I could feel her hurt but my pain was greater, if only I could just take it back, if only I could hug her and ask her to love me for who I am, beg her for none rejection, oh how everything was going change, a war is about to start for a life I could no longer fight for,as I sat there as she walked away most likely shock, I turn and saw everyone else belonging and I didn’t, I took a breath and try to count, what happen to the love I had for her? Was it gone forever and could it come back? Why was I so horrible towards the person who showed me Jesus when I needed it the most, at that I walked out and headed to the train tracks, if only anyone could know my pain, if anyone could just run after me but no one gave a hoot, as I sat by the steps and try to fight for my life, I got up and ran off to the park, shouting out to The Lord about how I felt, dear Jesus I love her but I hate her, I don’t want to hurt her, im sorry forgive me! I wish I could turn around run back and hug her and tell her I love her! If only it was that so easy, and all I ever wanted was family and here I am rejecting the very family that try to care in some way, or was she really? Why was she rejecting me and hurting me then showing me kindness? I am so confuse Lord! How can I love someone who rejects me so much! As I walked on with heaver tears my heart strike again and with no grace I fall so hard with no peace.

Saturday, 18 March 2017

Rejection You dear ass.

Oh dear how can I run from you? Oh how can I smash you with a cricket bat and how can you never return but you keep bowling me out and isn’t that an ugly game, never do I win!  Oh how ill say it like it is dear just because I am a Christian doesn’t mean I don’t have a heart, you think you can come in my life and walk out again oh how stupid of you, like lemon and apples how they don’t go together but hey do you know anything about that? Dear rejection you drive a stupid red car and a blue one, how I hate you but how I love you, I wish I could see the sun in this but I see nothing but clouds and it isn’t pretty at all, I see the waves of sea roaring in and the cars smash right at me like a six in a cricket game, oh how you suck and how I wish the game was long over… But Jesus wouldn’t agree, he shouting mercy mercy with them! I’m shouting flipping hell get away rejection GET AWAY! Oh how we dancing around in a cricket match and how I’m losing oh how it could end, rejection you dear ass you think you can win but I have a better captain ,with skills of a ice cube oh here I come smashing your cars and I am so going win the cricket game rejection you dear ass ill say a prayer and begin for war, a war of grace…wait… just wait dear for a moment…the game is over rejection you dear ass… 

Friday, 10 March 2017

Demons vs Light

We so often have this rule that its not okay to not be okay but a lot of the time it is so okay to not be okay. Most of you do not know my story and one day I hope that I am able to share it to millions of people but right now I share parts of it. Today in my blog the title is called demons vs light. 
When I came in to this world I was label as mentally retarded, many things were said about me but it was at age 20 that I ran from my family hoping to know the real world, though out the years I have discover the real world but more of the real me. Though my childhood I was sent to special schools but I knew deep down I never belong there. I was angry and mad , yet I wasn't allow to feel this way, so I did my best keeping it in, often it would come out, and I would be called mad, but little did anyone know what was really happening. I was born in 1989 but I feel as if I was born in 2013 when I became a born again believer, I had always known about Jesus but never really knew him even up to last year I did not really know him, when I discover life I couldn't stop searching. The Christian world puts a label where we must be okay but honest it is normal for us to not be okay, even Jesus had his moments. 
I recently had to face some really tough and hard memories, as I am doing a course which brings up a lot , after this encounter I headed to a park and just had a screaming party, I was unleashing this demon inside of me, a demon of angry, of a child who could never just speak , I sat down and realize I was not alright and this was pretty okay, a few people walked pass me and looked freak out, the worse part was I had my Bible in my hands. The light and life, the very thing that hold me together, or did it really ? 
About a year or so ago I was in hospital for a suicide attempt and had my Bible with me , one of the sisters came up to me and told me I wasn't allow a bible and when I told her the doctor said it was fine and it help me she laughed and said oh and that's why you try to end your life?

I have been in and out of hospitals most of my life for a number of things but recently it had been for suicide attempts. I will never be a fan of hospitals since my encounter with the sister and many more horrible encounters but it got me thinking at how wrong she was but how very right she was, it wasn't about my Bible it was about my demons and light  knowing the light and knowing the one that gives me life, at the same time knowing who I am and who am I? the one that writes? The one that has face so many things but hey we all face things and we have a choice a major one the choice to fight the demons or to let the light fight it for you. The end for now! Say it like it is dear!