Tuesday, 25 April 2017

love your enemies

As I threw my phone at my cupboard my room mates stare in shock, as tears over flow me, they say nothing, I jump up with anger and toss everything out, finding my running shoes I hide away, I put them on and leaving the mess,,I take my keys and leave with a huge storm banging every door I pass, walking towards the bus stop my tears are still going, how could she! She pushed me, but then again, was I the one doing all the pushing..as the bus comes I hop on with even more tears, everyone stares as if something has happen, something did happen but no one knew about that, as I waited to get off at the next bus stop I cried and cried, Like a baby left at someone door step, who knew the pain I carry would lead  me to the doors of the Lord, I question everything, why did she stop loving me? Why did she stop believe in me? The one who believed I could do anything now was the one who thought I was a lost course, what happen? All these questions hit me like a wave of fire burning me inside out, the bus stops and I hop off, it’s a beautiful day yet I don’t feel beautiful at all, I start to run, and do not stop, hearing cars hoot at me I keep running, I was mad, sad, even more I had no idea what I felt towards the company who was meant to help me, I did everything for them, I did everything they asked me to do yet I was still not good enough then they bashed me with a photo of me against my will and when I asked it being removed they never removed it stating it was a good photo but cutting me out, oh how they cut my heart in to sheds and enjoy every moment of it,  even when it was over a year old they still used it, who are they to destroy my life, now they take the one person who ever believed in me, and who do I have now?  Its as if my world has been turn up side down, and I had no voice in it, there was only one person I had and that person I was running to, with speed as a horse, jumping along cars and missing pot holes, I ran to the one person who understands rejection and pain, as I stood in front of the doors of grace and peace, I enter them with pain and greet my fellow brothers, “hey can I go to the prayer room”? “Yes of course” as I walked in to the prayer room I fell on my knees flat down, pouring out my pain and hurt to the Lord, this was war, this was the war of my life, I was not going be like them, I was not going hate them, I was only going love them in prayers and in tears too. This wasn’t about being right anymore this was bigger and I was not going fall back in to depression, I was going fight and I was going fight with everything I got. I felt peace as I was on my knees. I knew it was time to trust God and even when I had every reason to give up I was not going give up.

I was going remember the good they did, I was going remember the good she did, I was going love them even when they blamed me for their mess up stupid mistakes But I was going love them in prayers and I was going talk good things about them even when they spoke death over me,  Who knew  Matthew 5;44  (But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you) would be the very thing I had to do. As I got up and left the building of hope I started to run and speed over along the bridge of death, was this a big mess and oh I had to face it but I had to face it with Jesus right by my side, the one who loves me and never will give up on me, with the many tears i had i waited for my bus home, Oh how life is going change and oh how this is going change me like a broken cup being re build, this was the beginning of a very big war, a war I was ready for.

Thursday, 20 April 2017

Dear blue car

Dear blue car.

How can I tell you I just want you to stop rejecting me and start loving me for me. I wish you never gave up on me, I wish you saw me the way Jesus sees me, so what is wrong with me? Why do you keep putting me in a box? Why cant you just be you around me, why cant you just be apart of my life? When I walk pass you singing I smile with pain, if only I can just walk up to you and tell you how awesome you sing! But I have no idea what to say to you as the fear of rejection always packs me like sour worms. Sometimes I wake up after a bad dream and think of you, how you would of told me to always look on to Jesus, sometimes I wish you were there just praying with me and maybe that’s something that you never agree with but what do you agree on? Just placing me in a box and putting a label on it when you the one who told me that im not special needs, you the one that moved a rock in my thinking and now I sit here in tears without you in my life. Maybe one day you walk back in my life and never walk out again but right now you drive in and drive out and I only pray one day your car breaks in front of me so you can leave it and know and love me as Christ would.

in till
then drive well blue car.

HOLD ON IT WILL GET BETTER!

Life can be tough, I mean thank the Lord we not rats hey! Rats are always ducking and diving for their lives because we the human beast are trying kill them! Life isn’t easy, people get bully, people get lied to and even cheated on but there is always hope.
I have learnt to smile when I don’t feel like it and laugh when everyone is waiting for me to break down! My kinda break down now days is going to a play ground and singing children songs! Perhaps you should try it! It sure is good for the soul!
To those people who cant stop crying I have some good news, keep crying and while you at it grab a ice cream! It always works for me! Life is taken way to serious and while that is happening why don’t we just be like children and act out how we feel! Its great therapy!

We worry so much but do you see the birds worrying? Nope, they have everything handed to them day by day. If you feeling like your life is about to come to end hold on it will get better! While its storming take your shoes off and start dancing in it because after any storm there is a beautiful rainbow just as beautiful as you are, so stay strong!

The blue and red car strike yet again!

Recently I discover a photo of me posted against my will and on a website and on the company report I was at, they did this against my will even when I sign a form saying no to any photos being publish.
I was mad angry, and lost the plot! I was ready for war and this war was going destroy them! I really had to pray about it and I am still trying deal with it but it Got me thinking of how I should of really response. The normal world would sue them and have them in court and really make them suffer for it but in the life of Jesus things work different.
I love them and always will love them, I know that one day ill be back there but in God time not mine, I started to think it wasn’t about the photo, it was about the pain they caused me and still to this day they think they did nothing wrong. I always speak good about this company and I always encourage people to go to them.
Even when they hurt me so much, and really they really did a lot but I am always reminded about the story of the woman in the bible how she was about to get stone and Jesus said “ let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her”
We all mess up and we can never judge even when the person is really wrong. We need to forgive because Jesus has forgiven us. This how ever is really hard for me, often I get bully and people really treat me badly BUT I HAVE TO FORGIVE.

It’s a daily choice to forgive and love and give the other person a 2nd chance and more then that. God is the judge and one day the people that have hurt me so much will get their turn for now, all I can do is trust God and wait on him. Let the blue and red car hit me, ride me over and kill me but I’m still there loving them no matter what I feel.

Wednesday, 19 April 2017

When the hurting gets enough

When ever I go in to depression and in to the suicide mode I am told to go to the hospital and then I am kindly told not to talk about it, and that’s pretty bull ship! Hey I wont swear here since I’m a Christian and I need to be perfect? Oh how is that bull too!
For the past 8 months I have to deal with rejection, pain and suffering and I use to ask myself why? Now I’m like hey but jesus suffer too! But there comes a point when the hurting gets enough and this is it the voice is about to speak!
People tell me I’m bitter angry and just a horrible person and people break me and then they also go back on their words and wait for it…..These people are called… Christians!
It is not OKAY to break people and it is not OKAY to look at people in your eyes but in Jesus eyes! I am so fed up with Christian companies who are there to help people but INSTEAD THEY SENDING PEOPLE TO A LIVE HELL! Who knew that?! This world is so sick! You get people who label you and be like hey I want nothing to do with you but even that is sick!
But hey who am I to judge right?  I have had to face major hurt from people who are meant to help me and these people I love so much,  There is so much reason to sue them and speak against them and make their lives as a living hell but that’s what they want, I have had to fall on my knees and ask God to change their heart, to help them see me the way he does, I had to pray and ask God to help them love me for who I am but then I realize that God loves me and that is enough and even writing about them gives them praise and not him.

I am here to Praise Jesus and let his wonders change my heart and even when you tie me up with all your lies and betrayal ill still love you because Jesus loves me and that all that matters !

Tuesday, 18 April 2017

Knowing the blue car

As I came to her to hug her, I felt peace, “its good to have done this with you” she looked at me with those jesus eyes, and agree with me, she then spoke words that tore me inside, “ill see you in church” I smiled and walked away oh how the Lord has worked in me and how I knew that this was not the end. I wrote her a note and left it next to her bag and walked out the building that  help me face the blue car, the car that hit me and yet build me. The choices I made changed because of the blue car and how I wish I could just share it.
Friendship was not what I seek it was just having her in my life and seeing me grow in Christ but I couldn’t even burst those words in to living air. I was scared that she reject me all over again and how walking out those doors did just that.
I got to know the blue car in 10 days and how it changed my view on it, how to love in the eyes of Jesus and how to have his heart, all I saw was a loving and kind person who did drive me over yet try to to drive back but I never allow it to happen.
As I began to walk home I thought about my note I left next to her bag, was it being a chicken or was it being wise, the questions I ask myself at times often leave me with a bang of bees in my head but even if so I know if I did not ask I would never know.

I wonder if I forces to much on my pain and missed the beauty of the blue car, how it was made and how strong it really it, what ever the case may be I knew one thing it was time to know the blue car and I was exited about it.

Monday, 3 April 2017

I praise you when I can not see

The Lord is great, his mighty hand created me and build me up, The Lord is great, His mighty hand created me and tore me down, all praise to him! The one who gives and takes away!
His love is never ending, his wonders makes me disappear in the words of the book of life oh how I praise you when I can not see! You took away both my family, You whip me up and box me up with nothing but dirt and ship me along the sea and bam it made land! Oh how I praise you when I can not see! You took away all my families leaving me so isolated and freezing, You took a heater and blew me with your mighty fire! The Lord is great, his mighty hand created me and let me become bait for the blue car and bam it hit me over and over, all praise to him! The one who gives and takes away!

His love is never ending, his wonders make me drift off in to the house of prayer, oh how I praise you when I can not see! You took 3 cars and bashed me leaving me for dead, all praise to him! The one who gives and takes away! Oh how you Lord let the pain get inside of me leaving me with scars, oh how you allow all of this, you allow the green building to break me in to cricket bats and  that broke in to no use but oh you Lord you are the one who builds me up! You took my brokenness and lead me to the prayer room and there I am with nothing but pain and rejection, your hand reaches me and there I take it, both of them! All praise to you Lord for you the one who gives and takes away! I praise you even when I can not see! all praise to the mighty Lord!