I never thought I would be standing next to the person who gave up on me in worship, I never thought I would see her the way jesus sees her, and better yet, I never thought I would love her the way jesus does. I always loved her but with terms…now I see her and im just filled with compassion… it still hurts… and even when she keeps hurting me I still find myself forgiving her over and over…perhaps the best way to love the blue car was just that, to love without the terms. Forgetting all the wrongs and praying for her,,, but sometimes… praying for the blue car can get really deep…I guess the hurt it has left me has given me good reason to get deep with jesus and for that I thank it. who knew I could just smile at her and worship with her and be in one building without feeling so mad with her…I guess one could say by time it got better but I wouldn’t say that…by prayer I got to love the blue car in a new way. And its taught me something so cool…. That the way jesus loves is way better then my way. because when we love the way jesus does it opens new paths leading to his way and his perfect plan.
Monday, 29 May 2017
As long as I can remember I have search for the right church. I have visit many and many church’s. I have been planted in 2 and now my 3rd church. It wasn’t an very easy choice to become a member of the 3rd church, I had some very hard challenges one of which I had people who gave up on me right in front of me, I knew that I could run like I did every time rejection hits me or I can face it, that too wasn’t easy at all. It still not easy but there been so much healing even dealing with the hurt I faced with the church’s I was at.
The one thing that I could not get over was the program I was on, not only was there so much hurt and broken promises, the church I am now a member of supports this place and that was very hard for me. I didn’t know how to deal with my hurt while facing it, at times ill just walk out of church, but I know that wasn’t the answer.
I came to a stage where everything I was doing was not working, this was the same time the church open the prayer room and I decided to go to the prayer room, I thought why not? This was an escape from my madness of thoughts and pain…so I thought but I realize even when I sat there saying nothing, something was happening, I still was hurting and when I had to face the people that damage me I really just could not, I wanted to leave church and search again for the perfect church, but the more I did some researching the more Jesus threw the word “church” at me, asking me what it really means? My idea was it was a building fill with perfect family and with no rejection at all. Jesus of course laughs at this statement! In a point of my search Jesus told me there is nothing wrong with this “church” but with you. Sometimes I really just do not want to hear him speak because it sure brings a lot of truth and hard truth.
Maybe jesus was right, maybe there was something wrong with me, but really its not like there something wrong with the church? Again Jesus laughed at me! I knew I had to began to stop looking for church but to look at what it really means. What did it really mean? My search lead me to a long walk in a township where I find myself among all kinds of people, some gangs, others homeless, then you get those mammas who asking “you whitey do you want to die? Get out of here! Smiling I come along some old church buildings but they are so broken and dead, the only thing living in them were homeless people or gangs , perhaps it wasn’t about the building… perhaps it was all about the people…perhaps… it was about….
Thursday, 25 May 2017
As I sat among the people who were there for me for the past few months, I watched how happy they were and how much they were laughing, I felt nothing, like something inside me was dead, as I sat there I felt the Lord ask me where was my passion? What happen to me? I had no words, nothing at all, I became a robot, doing things but never being them, it made no sense anymore to keep going to these groups when I wasn’t even living or dug more for something deeper, I find myself just being a robot,
Tuesday, 23 May 2017
Mental health has always been looked at as something so awful as if you are in a monster, the huge factor in suicide is just that, a factor around us that people choose to label it. its other attention seeking or you just feeling sorry for yourself. When people kill themselves the outcome is always oh but they had mental illness so that’s just fine… well as children of God I really do not think it is fine. Its not only oh victim statement, oh feel sorry for me… this is my right and sadly a lot of Christians see mental health in this term and it’s a disgrace to God. I would understand none Christians take on it but children of God? I have spoken a lot about suicide in my blogs and I am very open about it, it makes me mad to see my fellow sisters and brothers just labeling this matter. A few weeks back I did a course at church and in one of the sessions they spoke about suicide and mental illness, as they began I got super mad and walked out. The judgment on this was so not cool. This is a battle I was fighting and I am fighting alone yet it can be turn around and its sick. As I said before suicide is an illness and a lot of people lose their battle to it. one of the signs leading to suicide is self harm, self harm can come in many forms but ill like to share one. A few months ago I began to cut myself and try to reach out to my therapist at the time of course she saw this as attention most likely and didn’t really help me. I had to face this battle all by myself. About 2 or 3 months ago I decided to stop and try help myself. When I began to wear short selves everyone around me freaked out! Some telling me to put a jacket on and others telling me God will punish me. Then I got those awesome people who told me that God is going use this to help others who struggle with this. I still struggle with it, I try to fight it but I really can’t fight it alone. I recently had 2 of the therapist who worked with me simply give up on me. Just a week ago one of them said to me its as if im not fighting anymore. I felt insulted afterwards. Because they weren’t fighting for me yet they think they can tell me not to give up? And its just like those people who make mental health a disgrace when its like any other illness. We may cut ourselves, try and end our lives, lose ourselves in a full blown rage of anger but at the end of the day, we are just people who need support and need love.
When people choose to label mental health and walk away from us and tell us we are hopeless course, they are choosing to disgrace God and by doing so is rejecting Jesus himself. When I die of suicide I don’t want people to say oh she battle mental illness, no I want people to see that I battle people and lose the battle because at the end of the day…the issue isn’t in mental health…its really you.
Friday, 19 May 2017
As I spin myself around and around with the wind hitting me and pushing me to the ground, I fall hard and lay there looking up in the sky of clouds that look like a battle ships of candy, oh how nice a bar of candy would do right now! As I lay there thinking about everything in the moment, watching the birds fly by, and hearing the dogs pass me, it’s a moment of peace, peace I struggle to find in the pass 10 months and I now lay there with the peace of letting go, as the faces of people who have given up on me enter my mind of wars I start to feel some kind of tears racing on the cheeks of the broken hearted… I start to ask myself why, and the biggest one I ask is why don’t they love me? What happen to their keen of help, it as if it turn in to raw meat un eatable…month after month I cry for these people, are they crying for me? Are they praying for me like I pray for them? As I arise from the ground, I feel the wind die down, like my soul has, it as if I stop caring, stop living, but why? Why have I stop running for freedom of grace and love? Why did I give up just because of the 3 people who chose to give up on me? Why don’t they love me hits me all over again, as I start to walk along the path of green stones I am reminded that there is love in jesus and in Jesus there is hope, the perfect one, could I start fighting for him? Perhaps he was going give up on me too, as I come to the robots of green and red, I had a choice, we all do, to choose then green over the red, but was it possible to even fight anymore? How do you fight for people who don’t love you? Why don’t they love me? Perhaps there was indeed something wrong with me, maybe it was the way I looked or thought…then again they had no idea of my thunder of thoughts but does anyone…as I come along the bridge of death I start spinning and ..as I spin around and around the wind of hope hits me with more questions then ever…
Saturday, 13 May 2017
When I think about fighting I think about swearing at the other person and telling them what I think of them, then punching them in the face and watching them go so red then becoming so mad with me like thunder and lighting about to strike me and kill me, that’s all I ever knew, always prepare to attack the other person and making sure that what I said or feel stood and nothing else matter. Just recently I discover that there is more to fighting and there really is a good way of fighting. We are born to fight and we are born to WIN it. But do we know how to fight?
As I face a very serious matter which lead me in deciding if I should not sue these people and take them to court, I prayed and asked God what he thinks about this hole matter, because I knew 2 things 1 that I was right and 2 that this was really damaging, but what I didn’t know was what God thought about it, as I waited on God, I heard nothing and became angry at him, a day pass and more passed and then one day I ran in the park and started screaming, and after that I fell on my knees and began to cry, father I love them and I don’t want to fight them but they hurt me, help me”
Just at that moment I heard a gentle voice wispier to me, “this is how you fight them” I was abit confuse how I asked? “ this is how you fight them” I got up in rage and shouted at God, how ! tell me how! But I heard nothing. I was super cross but carried on with my days when one day I went to the prayer room at church and didn’t want to say anything to God, I sat there and then I heard a whisper again, “ this is how you fight them” at that I got up and I storm out of church. How! How! As I was walking away in a rage I heard a very loud voice “ this is how” I stood, and thought for a moment and realize what was God trying to tell me, the only way one can fight and win a battle was to be on your knees praying!
I started laughing oh Lord you are funny! How can I fight and win by just being on my knees and praying? As days went by I began to learn a new way of fighting, the fighting I knew nothing about. By falling on my knees and praying for the people but in love and in truth, I knew the only way I could win this battle was by praying and reading the word of God. The fighting I knew nothing about had some rules, rules to protect all people involved in the battle.
1. The first rule was to look at the people the way jesus sees them.
2. Then to speak in truth and love
3. Then to leave the battle in peace and love.
But most of all by always praying for them. The only way to win any fight is on your knees.
We should never go in to war by wanting to harm the other people or for our own self deeds but by love and the deeds of our loving father Jesus
Looking at my broken shoes with holes under it, I wonder if anyone knew the battle I faced, the battle that I could not even fight, I wonder if someone asked me to sit down and took my shoes off what they would do if they discover that under it there was no cover at all but holes, only damaging my feet every step I take.
We are so judgmental with what people look like, how they dress and what they drive, its sick, and sad, do we really take the time to sit down with the person and discover what they really are wearing? Under those pretty shoes perhaps there is holes that nobody knows about and perhaps people know about those holes and don’t want it to be there problem… but we are called to help the person to remove those holes, maybe we are to give them new shoes, or to glue them together for a season, but when that season comes to an end, they will need a pair of new shoes and at some point we all need something new in our life.
But a lot of time people think that this new thing means they no longer in their life but I disagree, we will always be in each other lives forever since we are children of God but in different ways and in new ways, sometimes we have to stop holding that person but drive with them, this could be anything. But are we prepare to do any of this? are we prepare to step in the shoes of grace?
My first church I went to, had many good things but the down fall they are not prepare to walk in those shoes, they not willing to look at the holes under the pretty shoes, in fact they have the homeless people sit at the back of the church and class them as outsiders.
This is not what Jesus died for, He died so we are all in the same boat. That we are all the same and treated the same. I love my church pastors, they are lovely people who do not box themselves better than us normal members. I admire how they are part of our lives in some way and that they walk in the shoes of grace. Every church has it downs but the church I now go to is pretty much close to the real deal and even when I struggle with some things I admire the fact that a lot of the people I attend church are prepared to know about my holes in my shoes but because of the background I have come from I often am ashamed to even speak of any holes. Perhaps I needed to change and trust them more.
The question I leave you are you prepare to step in to the shoes of grace and reach someone with a pair of broken shoes that has holes in it or are you okay that it isn’t your problem and carry on with life? If so you really don’t know Jesus steps and I pray you discover them.
Wednesday, 10 May 2017
When death hits us we go in to three stages, The first stage we go in to shock the 2nd is denial and the 3rd coming to terms with what we have lost but often we find ourselves stuck at the 2nd stage, we do not move on, days pass, months pass and even years, this can steal your life and it can destroy your life without even realizing it.
These 3 stages do not just apply to death but to lose of friendship, lose of jobs and even failing at something and we need to really just be aware at how long we are stuck at the 2nd stage and try get help for it. Ill like to share a testimony and hope that it inspires people to remain strong and to have hope.
Last year my world came to an end when after 18 months I left a job program due to personal reason, I knew it was a mistake and try to go back but in my shock the people I spent 18 months had stop caring and didn’t care, they gave me goals and I did them and still they went back on their word and they even broke their promise, little did they know they were breaking me over and over.
I went to 3 stages, the first month I was in shock and in pain and couldn’t face the world, I stayed in my bed crying none stop, the 2nd month I took to self harm and started to cut myself, the more I thought of them and the more I reach out to them for help the more I self harm, the 3rd month I started to come to terms with everything and hope I would be able to go back as they promise me after 3 months I could but to my shock they gave me some goals and so I did them but one I didn’t do, due to what I believe in. I went back pride and happy thinking I got this but to even more shock I was told I could never return and even if I did a goal that would not be good enough, my world again began to end and I started to find myself in these 2 stages instead of moving on.
I prayed about it and God told me that is where he wanted me and that even made me become more stuck on stage 2. I knew where he wanted me but this wasn’t happening as I try to carry on with life I discovered just recently a group photo with me on their page and it was everywhere including their annul report. I sign a form stating I didn’t want any photos but some how they manger by “mistake” to place it there, I was angry mad, when I threaten to sue them they cut contact with me and put the blame on me, as if this was my fault, This bought alot of pain to me, this photo was more then a year old, what were they trying to say?
I had every right to sue them, I had every right to feel the way i was feeling, I was in the right in fact if it was someone else who was hiding this could of done a lot of damage! Even when I had a right to feel this way I still got a phone call from the one person who I deeply cared for telling me they are scared of me, after that phone call I just fell in to tears. I just could not believe that these people I love were harming me and breaking me and I still didn’t get why Jesus wanted me by them when clearly they hate me and wanted nothing to do with me. I have started to hate God, I am breaking dying of all this pain they have caused me but still I love them why? Stuck in stage 2 I try to come to some understanding at why they have caused me so much pain, maybe after all there was something wrong with me, maybe I did something wrong, maybe I wasn’t meant to be loved…going back to stage 2 means self harming and other things I have to fight and fighting is not easy when you have no one to reach out to, at this point im scared to even speak about my true feelings because every time I do it gets thrown at me and im told I am wrong to feel this way.
I never know when this pain is going end and I will never know when these people would just love me and be there for me instead of leaving me broken over and over again. Even after 10 months I am still crying about them and I am still hurting because of them, the “if” fly in like a war plane throwing gun shots at you and really its tough! But I know one thing that even when they are breaking me, even they are wrong and even when they harm me I will still love them and I will still cry for them and I will still pray for them and forgive them because this is what Jesus has done for me and for me to not do the same simply is saying I am not following him. Jesus came to bring grace mercy but most of all he came to bring love.
If you are struggling with any of these I would like to encourage you to reach out and speak out. There is help and I would like you to check out 7cups.com I have found this has help me so much when no one around me is willing or able to help me. You are important and you are loved.
Saturday, 6 May 2017
As I stared at my phone waiting for the call I ran 2 hours for” one hour passed….two hours passed…three hours passed as I lay there face to face with my phone after almost 6 hours, I took it with rage and threw it across the room..turning to the other side I threw my blanket over me and started to cry, this was indeed so painful… what we do for humans yet they careless about the actions we do for them. As I lay there crying I heard the door open and a voice saying” alright your phone did you no harm” and went out again… I really didn’t care who did me harm it didn’t matter, I didn’t matter, in fact I was a nothing, which is how I felt. I slowly pulled my blanket off me and slowly drag myself out of bed, I stood above my phone and kicked it! I grab my shoes open the door and bag it with my rage, as I walked out of the house which gave me some hope I started to wonder what hope was and what was love really. Did I even know it? as I walked outside speaking to the God I know I began to clam and feel some peace, as I started to feel this peace I remembered how much Jesus really loves me and how only that matter, perhaps I should start running 2 hours for him because he sure wont hurt me. Its so funny How we put our hope in people but they always let us down, they can never come close to Jesus the king and hope of all . I try so hard to impress people, I try bringing peace among myself and them but this was not my place, I could never bring peace, only Jesus could do this. In fact only he can fight the battles I face and only he understands me, As I came along the park near us I see some kids playing soccer I sit and watch them, if only I was free like these kids, Stress free, pain free, human free… free to jump and play and be happy… didn’t Jesus come and die for just that? Didn’t he come to set us free from all pain and harm? So why was I suffering so much? Perhaps I really am his child and perhaps I was really indeed special even if this was true I was not living in it.. as I started to walk home I wonder how much hope people had and I wonder if they knew the real hope, as I came closer to my house I saw a lady walking towards me with a phone in her hand, she smiled at me and gave it to me, “don’t let this destroy your life” and walks away, I stared at it, perhaps I was allowing this very things to do just that… perhaps it was time to throw it away perhaps it was time to play and know Jesus, I turn around and yelled “ hey!” the lady turn around, “ I want to know your Jesus” she smiled and carry on walking, I smiled to. Perhaps I should start running for jesus all over again..perhaps this was the start of something knew, I threw my phone on the ground and began to run towards something I was not scared of. Something that was and had already changed me…Jesus..
Monday, 1 May 2017
I know a therapist who drives a red car, who is loving, kind and funny but what I love the most is her heart and her eyes, the very eyes that saw life in me, the eyes that saw something good in me, the eyes that saw something I didn’t, and when I fell in to suicide she took my hand and stood by my side. she made me laugh and then she made me cry with much pain and she had to walk away and follow some evil man rules which ended our friendship and now I stare at red cars and im ready to smash them too. Oh God what happen to all the love of these dam Christian people? I sure in hell don’t want to be a Christian oh no I will never be like their ass cows! I know a therapist who build me for war and war im ready for so let the minion fight with nothing but love.
Sometimes I stare in front of the world and feel pity but then other times I feel nothing at all, how did the world end up so broken? Often I get asked where Is the loving God you believe in, I often ask myself that same thing, maybe he on holiday and drinking a nice cup of wine? People think being a Christian, we have all the answers and have it all together well it not the case.
As I walk in the dark valleys I get pulled aside, hey you whitey what you doing here? Often I scare people with my freaky scream but iv learnt to throw some punches. Where is God when I get mocked for being white or near beaten up for it? Life is tough and then I have to put a pretty face and enter the doors of church, the building I find myself in for hours, maybe I hope to be safe there, but I have learnt I am not safe anywhere not even with the people who are meant to love and care for you, those very same fake people are the ones breaking every part of you, in my case it seems like it. I find Jesus so hard to understand, I mean how can I love people who keep hurting me? Sometimes I stare at these very people and they holding knifes while being on the worship band, ready to kill me, but Jesus tells me love, how? How can I love someone who was meant to help me but put me right back in a deep hole? I don’t get God at all. Now I am standing in front of a building that gave me hope, that taught me everything about love but pain too, and God still wants me to love these people? Ill rather head to the dark valleys and get beaten up by gangs or maybe I should join them, they sure wont let me go with out food or with pain, they be the family I am searching for.
Sometimes I stare in front of the world and feel everything, and see war right in front of me, then I go to church with the very people killing me, where is God? Because he not here at all. Then it hits me the fist of people, they grab me and hold me up a wall and as I am pushed up at the wall all I can think of is the green people who taught me to live in the real world and where are they when I need them? Where is God, as a knife comes along my neck I look in the face of the evil one and see nothing but brokenness. Closing my eyes in fear I feel a sharp pain and at that I fall to the ground, I hear running foot steps and then nothing at all, I stare at the ground and a flash back hits me where I found myself in a class room of the bible teacher who taught me the book of life, and where is his stupid book and voice now? Oh how I wish it was here but as I take a breath of pain I see nothing but myself on the ground.
Sometimes I stare in the world and feel nothing but brokenness because we are all broken crying for someone, and searching for hope, for life but I realize that isn’t real, as the blood started to cover me up, I realize only one thing is real Jesus and I needed to find him but sometimes….I stare in the world and find him in all the wrong places…sometimes…I stare in front of my own body and feel nothing but pity…