Sometimes I stare in front of the world and feel pity but then other times I feel nothing at all, how did the world end up so broken? Often I get asked where Is the loving God you believe in, I often ask myself that same thing, maybe he on holiday and drinking a nice cup of wine? People think being a Christian, we have all the answers and have it all together well it not the case.
As I walk in the dark valleys I get pulled aside, hey you whitey what you doing here? Often I scare people with my freaky scream but iv learnt to throw some punches. Where is God when I get mocked for being white or near beaten up for it? Life is tough and then I have to put a pretty face and enter the doors of church, the building I find myself in for hours, maybe I hope to be safe there, but I have learnt I am not safe anywhere not even with the people who are meant to love and care for you, those very same fake people are the ones breaking every part of you, in my case it seems like it. I find Jesus so hard to understand, I mean how can I love people who keep hurting me? Sometimes I stare at these very people and they holding knifes while being on the worship band, ready to kill me, but Jesus tells me love, how? How can I love someone who was meant to help me but put me right back in a deep hole? I don’t get God at all. Now I am standing in front of a building that gave me hope, that taught me everything about love but pain too, and God still wants me to love these people? Ill rather head to the dark valleys and get beaten up by gangs or maybe I should join them, they sure wont let me go with out food or with pain, they be the family I am searching for.
Sometimes I stare in front of the world and feel everything, and see war right in front of me, then I go to church with the very people killing me, where is God? Because he not here at all. Then it hits me the fist of people, they grab me and hold me up a wall and as I am pushed up at the wall all I can think of is the green people who taught me to live in the real world and where are they when I need them? Where is God, as a knife comes along my neck I look in the face of the evil one and see nothing but brokenness. Closing my eyes in fear I feel a sharp pain and at that I fall to the ground, I hear running foot steps and then nothing at all, I stare at the ground and a flash back hits me where I found myself in a class room of the bible teacher who taught me the book of life, and where is his stupid book and voice now? Oh how I wish it was here but as I take a breath of pain I see nothing but myself on the ground.
Sometimes I stare in the world and feel nothing but brokenness because we are all broken crying for someone, and searching for hope, for life but I realize that isn’t real, as the blood started to cover me up, I realize only one thing is real Jesus and I needed to find him but sometimes….I stare in the world and find him in all the wrong places…sometimes…I stare in front of my own body and feel nothing but pity…