Wednesday, 10 May 2017

You are important and you are loved.

When death hits us we go in to three stages, The first stage we go in to shock the 2nd is denial and the 3rd coming to terms with what we have lost but often we find ourselves stuck at the 2nd stage, we do not move on, days pass, months pass and even years, this can steal your life and it can destroy your life without even realizing it.
These 3 stages do not just apply to death but to lose of friendship, lose of jobs and even failing at something and we need to really just be aware at how long we are stuck at the 2nd stage and try get help for it. Ill like to share a testimony and hope that it inspires people to remain strong and to have hope.
Last year my world came to an end when after 18 months I left a job program due to personal reason, I knew it was a mistake and try to go back but in my shock the people I spent 18 months had stop caring and didn’t care, they gave me goals and I did them and still they went back on their word and they even broke their promise, little did they know they were breaking me over and over.
I went to 3 stages, the first month I was in shock and in pain and couldn’t face the world, I stayed in my bed crying none stop, the 2nd month I took to self harm and started to cut myself, the more I thought of them and the more I reach out to them for help the more I self harm, the 3rd month I started to come to terms with everything and hope I would be able to go back as they promise me after 3 months I could but to my shock they gave me some goals and so I did them but one I didn’t do, due to what I believe in. I went back pride and happy thinking I got this but to even more shock I was told I could never return and even if I did a goal that would not be good enough, my world again began to end and I started to find myself in these 2 stages instead of moving on.
I prayed about it and God told me that is where he wanted me and that even made me become more stuck on stage 2. I knew where he wanted me but this wasn’t happening as I try to carry on with life I discovered just recently a group photo with me on their page and it was everywhere including their annul report. I sign a form stating I didn’t want any photos but some how they manger by “mistake” to place it there, I was angry mad, when I threaten to sue them they cut contact with me and put the blame on me, as if this was my fault, This bought alot of pain to me, this photo was more then a year old, what were they trying to say? 
I had every right to sue them, I had every right to feel the way i was feeling, I was in the right in fact if it was someone else who was hiding this could of done a lot of damage! Even when I had a right to feel this way I still got a phone call from the one person who I deeply cared for telling me they are scared of me, after that phone call I just fell in to tears. I just could not believe that these people I love were harming me and breaking me and I still didn’t get why Jesus wanted me by them when clearly they hate me and wanted nothing to do with me. I have started to hate God, I am breaking dying of all this pain they have caused me but still I love them why? Stuck in stage 2 I try to come to some understanding at why they have caused me so much pain, maybe after all there was something wrong with me, maybe I did something wrong, maybe I wasn’t meant to be loved…going back to stage 2 means self harming and other things I have to fight and fighting is not easy when you have no one to reach out to, at this point im scared to even speak about my true feelings because every time I do it gets thrown at me and im told I am wrong to feel this way.
I never know when this pain is going end and I will never know when these people would just love me and be there for me instead of leaving me broken over and over again. Even after 10 months I am still crying about them and I am still hurting because of them, the “if” fly in like a war plane throwing gun shots at you and really its tough! But I know one thing that even when they are breaking me, even they are wrong and even when they harm me I will still love them and I will still cry for them and I will still pray for them and forgive them because this is what Jesus has done for me and for me to not do the same simply is saying I am not following him. Jesus came to bring grace mercy but most of all he came to bring love.

If you are struggling with any of these I would like to encourage  you to reach out and speak out. There is help and I would like you to check out I have found this has help me so much when no one around me is willing or able to help me. You are important and you are loved.

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