Friday, 30 June 2017

The heart of serving

Its been almost 3 years that I haven't been serving in church. I use to attend another church, in fact 2 and both I serve. The one more . I remember serving 3 places and gave it all . I did my best and yet it still was not good enough. After a huge rejection at the one church I began to slowly drift away from the life of serving.
Now I am in a different church as well as a member. I recently try to get in to one area and had to face some rejection but this time I took it as pinch of salt and try somewhere else and when I began I loved it. It was not even a month and again I had to face some more set backs and it really tore me as it reminded me of the church I was before.
So I got mad and have decided to not serve at all. I mean why try ?
God has created each of us to serve but we need to find that place where he has called us to.
It doesn't have to be in a area of a church, in fact it can be something God has called you for and he uses that to bring the church closer then ever. We often place so much pressure on ourselves as to serve and then do it but are we really doing it for God and are we really serving where God has called us to be?

In the years I serve I always thought it was about God house and pleasing his people but I was so wrong. So very wrong. Serving is a act of worship, it's something you do to praise God and give him Thanksgiving, it can even be washing the dishes!
Almost every day I wake up at 4.30 and often go to the kitchen and start washing up, the people I live with do not understand that for me this is an act of worship and by doing this I am serving the Lord and talking to him.

I realize that serving comes from the heart and doing so brings your heart out for the Lord.
What are you called for ? Are you called to be bold and doing something different then other people ? because let me tell you that God has called you to be different and to do the things he has place in you and in your heart and if the church you in does not have that, be bold and stand up and talk because there a very good reason why you there. Use your gifts and do not use them for anyone else but for God!
As for me I plan to rock the church with the purpose of God has given me. I am called to be bold and to be the voice to the voiceless and so I will do just that !

Saturday, 24 June 2017

I have decided

For almost 11 months I was in a huge raging storm .
I left my job and from that moment my hole world became dead. I faced many set backs and many broken promises from the people I loved so much. I faced many trips to the hospital because of an overdose of pills. I also began to self harm and it took over my life, I became more dead.
For the first 2 months of leaving my job I just slept. I remember the people I live with were very concern and try to get me to church but still I lay there and cried and cried.
My world indeed was dead and as I shared with many of my other post it really was a huge tough time for me.
There was times I just couldn't understand why I was suffering, I mean everyone around me told me Jesus loved me yet I was suffering so much, from child birth to now. How could this be?
After a few months in being in church my life began to take a different turn and I saw things different.
I did a 10 day course at church this year and it changed my life, it gave me hope and purpose. It taught me who I wanted to be and who I wanted to love. I will share more of this course in due time but for now I'll like to share this.
Even when I did these things in church I still wanted to die, I still saw no life and I began to give up. I wasn't fighting for me in fact I never fought for me, I only fought for people And what they wanted, i needed to fight to live again. When just the other day I realize that I couldn't change what happen where I was before , I couldn't change how people broke me, I couldn't change the fact that a guy hit me and had support from the one person who I looked up to, the very person who sat me down and told me I'm not special needs so many months ago, little did she know she would change my life in a huge way. I realize I needed to love and pray for her, I also realize I couldn't change one thing about my hole life. I can sit and cry over a place that has moved on and cry over of all the mistakes and things that happen to me or I can change my attitude.
So even when the storm is hailing, thundering and raining like crazy I have decided to to make a choice and that is to live in Jesus and in his will for my life and even when I want to die I know day by day he is with me helping fight my battle because he loves me and so I leave you with this...

I have decide to look forward because I can not change the past.
I have decided to look forward because I can not change what happen to me from the time I was born to now.
I have decided that I only got now and therefor I want to live and play like a child.
I have decided to let go of the people who have broken and hurt me because that's the best I can do for me.
I have decided to fight for me and to enjoy life but though Jesus Christ because he is the only one who will never leave or hurt me.
I have decided to let go of people who choose to not be in my life and to hold on to those who do.

I have decided to mix some apples in my moments and brace them with some jelly beans, I have decided to love Jesus with all my heart and to do what he has called me to do. To **live** in him.

All praise to the one who will never leave all forsaken us !

Friday, 16 June 2017


I want to jump and bleed to death, I want to jump and find my place in heaven, I want to jump and escape form the world of rejection and bullying, I want to jump and meet with Jesus and hold him tight, I want him to wipe my tears away and dance with me all the way to heaven and when I'm there I want him to spin me around and around and change me in to something so perfect, I want to jump in to his lap and start singing to him and praising him, I want to jump off his lap and run across heaven and shout for joy, I want to jump and dance in a puddle of joy and never leave it, I want to jump and never see any of this pain, I want to jump and spring forward with words of thankfulness, I want to jump and turn to Jesus and never look back because jumping would change everything.

The box.

I hate the fact that the world is so quick to label us in to a box and ship us away and let us buy ourselves out the box, in fact I hate even expressing anything I ever know or feel because its like a see saw, it gos down and up and then bam you fly in the sky and hit your head all the way down, and then when you laying on the ground crying you are picked up, shifted in to a box and bye bye intill you can buy yourself out, but the box was never meant to be, it just appears when the world begins to label each person and that's sad, what's more sad is that people can just simply be all right about it, when God gave them a way to fix things and to be healed yet he's not good enough, we just buy ourselves a box and place ourselves in it and pay to leave it or learn to live in it.... What a load of hog wash. Like wash your brain and turn your eyes in to the truth before its too late because Jesus is coming back and will anyone of us be ready or will we be too caught up in our own stupid box?

Thursday, 8 June 2017

Why do we fight for anything?

Recently I was told to stop fighting for something I believe in, I was told to give up and just walk away, it made me cry and break inside, it got me thinking about life and why I fight to keep living, why do I fight? Just why do I even bother? 
The person who told me to give up simply sees what it doing to me perhaps they just don’t want me to die fighting, but don’t people die in a war? Perhaps I was in a war about to die, I feel like im in a war zone where people don’t care about me and where they not even aware of the huge battle im facing, about a month ago I had to force my self to go to the hospital because I had taken an overdoes of pills but this was much worse, I had taken almost 100 pills, buy the time I got there the doctors thought I was going die and even when all of that drama was going on I was all alone and had no one by my side.
The doctors told me they don’t know why I made it because I should be dead. It gave me a new look on things, I was all alone in all of this and this was my war to fight alone, but the question in all of this why do I keep fighting? What was the goal? What was the reward? What impact did it have on me and what did it bring out of me?
When we fight for something or someone we do it because of something, as in value or in means of love and sometimes belief, we need to be aware why we fight because if we are not aware we will give up and walk away from a war we are meant to win.
Sometimes winning doesn’t mean you going live after it, sometimes it brings hope and life in others and that is the battle won, sometimes you have to be the one to die in Oder to bring victory.  
As I battle in a huge war I face 3 important things.  the value of my battle, what it brings out and its worth, then I face the chances of death and the most hurtful thing I face is people running from me when im in a battle, yet even jesus faced this battle and look where he is today?
Jesus followers all left him when he was put to death and when he was hit and hit they were nowhere near him taking that beating for him. I mean peter denial knowing jesus!!!
But jesus knew what he was fighting for. He was fighting for love and peace and most of all hope for all who do not have hope.

I guess what im fighting for is for someone to believe in me, for someone to love me and most of all for my voice to be heard and at the end of day I will other win or I will die and even in death it brings  hope to many..