Monday, 31 July 2017

Dear who ever reading this.....

Dear who ever reading me run from the pain.. .cover me with layers of sticks so I don't be discovered, dear who reading me face the blue car before I die.... Help me love her so I can let go....dear who ever reading me be normal just like everyone else, help me reach the life they have... Dear who ever reading this.... Block all the green people before they get under my skin and kill me again, lift the bin they carry and throw me out into living waters of hope...dear who ever reading this... Don't blink...because if you do...I just might not be around.... Dear who ever reading this.... Save me please.... From my old patten self... Lift me up and place me in a car of hope and help me drive forward away from all the cars who trying kill me....dear who ever reading this....throw the guitar the blue car plays and smash it so it doesn't hurt me again, let the strings tie me together and live again, let there be hope in the brokenness , let the impossible happen...dear to who ever reading this...find the hope and send me there but I beg you send me away from the blue car so I can and drive and live ever happy after...dear who ever reading this....wipe me with jelly beans and shift me away with chocolate bars but before you do that, don't let me be eaten...but let me melt so my pain can end....dear who ever reading this...

Sunday, 30 July 2017

Suicide attempts, when will the bell ring ?

Walking along the bright green trees with large buildings around me, with a loud bell ringing so loud , it can only mean one thing, a church is ringing it for each hour. I wonder when my hour will come ? When the phones of my loved ones will not stop ringing, when they are face with so much tears but will they have tears ? Or will they celebrate the coming of the end ? 

I have try over and over to end my life, since the age of 9. That's a long time. As the years have pass it has become more lonelier with noone to turn when I'm so suicidal. Now I have to turn to ways to help me cope with my suicide mind. 
Awhile back I took over 100 pills and after I took them I decided to go to small group that evening. I remember I kept vomiting. The people wanted to know what was up but how could I tell them ? That I took over a 100 pills and wanted to die ? I mean what kind of Christian was I ? 

The next day I went to the docters and was told that I should be dead or in a coma yet a day latter I walked out those doors. 

During this time I was all *alone * I had noone. I mean how can I tell someone I want to die ? They other tell me I must get help or they will pray for me. Never once will they support me during that time. And I guess that's why people don't talk about it. 

If there anyone I have the most respect for its my mentor who has supported me though my suicide attempts. She has been there no matter what and because of it I always try some how tell her I'm suicidal. Of course life goes on and now I can't really reach out to her. I can't tell her hey I want to die help me. She will other tell me to get help. 

When all I need is support from the people I care about. I often wonder when my suicide attempts will be the last. When I wake up in heaven and have no more pain.

I remember my adopted mother told me I'll always be alone. I'll always mess things up. Maybe she was right. But I know one thing when I come so close to death and I'm always alone and it shouldn't be that way. I shouldn't have to try and end my life because of my pain. I should have support yet that's a huge lack. 

Perhaps something needed to change. When I think of the person who might have ended his life at church I think of the fact how lonely he was and how he couldn't talk about it. How he felt because I know how he felt. If only I could have done something. Spoken to him , some how reach out even if its telling him I also want to die and that's okay. 
At the end of the day we need support and we need to speak but in the Christian world suicide is seen as an abolish so sinful. 
When its not. 
Just the other day I read a bible plan on how (suicide can be forgiven ) I was mad ! Its like saying flu can be forgiven or cancer. Its like saying we choose to be sick. Well fuck that pastor who wrote that ! WE DO NOT CHOSSE TO BE SICK. 
I mean wtf ? I am a Christian and a follower of jesus but I draw the line when it comes to this topic. I will not be ashamed to challenge anyone on this topic. Mental health is not a choice. We do not chosse this. In fact all I ever pray is jesus heal me ! Why do I want to die ? Kill me please ! 
Sometime I don't get why he doesn't heal me but I put my trust in him and I believe one day I will be healed even if its only in heaven. 

I'm not ashamed to say I want to die. You shouldn't be either. Talk, shout, knock on doors. Find someone who will listen and be strong. 

Wednesday, 26 July 2017

fed up

I am just plain tired of people sitting me down and saying why are you trying end your life , why do you want to die when people tell me so many dam shit things and mock me bully me and reject me it's a load of crap really. I mean who would want to live this dam life really ? 

Just tonight someone from our church sends me this voice note telling me I should not run or avoid things and that God can heal me. But what IF God doesn't heal ? I am sick and tired of dam Christians only seeing all the nice happy things, I am fed up people telling me God wants to heal me! What if I don't want to be healed ? What if I just want to die and go to heaven and be in peace ? Again I ask you who the f would want to live this dam life ?!  
Nobody gets it really , nobody understands the pain one carry's, all I have done is try and please people but I am dead because of these dam people who broke me and destroyed my life. They drive happy and forget me while I'm trying put myself together but yet I can't and in the end I die because of them. 
Who cares when I'm gone ? Who gives a cows meat ? I have knocked on many doors for help and many doors have shut down and here I am unhappy , people don't hear me when I say it hurts because what I say doesn't matter. None of my pain matters. In fact I don't matter.

Tuesday, 25 July 2017

Rewind everything

Rewind everything , wipe away all the pain, rewind the past and fit it with a radio of air waves holding me together, rewind everything, wipe away all the scars left on my arms, throw them in the deep waters of apple juice, filled with leoms, rewind everything , take me to the day where I never saw the blue car , fit it into a ship and ship it away with all the green people , rewind everything, take me back to the peaceful moments , no pain, no tears,  oh no.... Rewind everything because no peace ever was, pain was always with gun shots hitting my head with blunt words only to slowly kill me...rewind everything ....find something ...besides the blue car place me there and re forward everything, change the outcome the pain oh please ....rewind everything  change it oh please change it..... 

Saturday, 22 July 2017

One year gone .

When I think back of the day I left the program I remember it very clearly, some people were happy to have me gone in fact I don't remember anyone trying fight to keep me there, it was most likely a happy time I guess, its been a year now and still I cry and mourn the great loss I encounter. I have had to fight to survive while the people there move on and forget about me when there not a day I do not think of them, its been a very hard year, I have fallen in to some bad habits and often I would not have any food, I think that was the worse part for me when I lay in bed thinking of the people and being so hungry and be like what the heck is going on ?! Some days I had no food, some days I spent sleeping and some days I spent crying. When I look over the year I can hardly believe I made it but I have, and all praise goes to Jesus.
I have had to reach out for help with my church and that was the hardiest part of it all, to say hey I'm in need, I'm in trouble, help me, and I must say even though the church couldn't help with everything there are amazing people who really help and I really look up to them. Reaching out for help is so important and its a must.
When I started to go more to small group I could see that help me and the support they gave me was something I really needed at the time. I could not be alone I knew I needed to be around people during this difficult time.
I have had a full time job for about a month now. This is really my first real full time job besides the job program I was on, most of the other things I did was part time work or volunteer work.
I have had to face many challenges and many difficult things but I have learnt so much and if there anything I love its learning and working hard !

I have met many people who have other been kind or bully me and its really taken my view on life different.

To be bully is not cool at all, I don't only get bully at work I get bully *everywhere* and that's really bull. ...

Just this Friday I had a huge out burst when people I was hanging with was talking bad about other people, I was so mad that I started to cry and flip out and kicked the bin and might have broken it !...
It was the first out burst I have had since leaving the job program, and I must say it felt good afterwards!

A sign of suicide is out burst because one keeps so much inside that something so small can hit the person and bang !

I have had a lot to deal with for the last year and I have had no help for any of it and I guess I'm going flip because I'm pretty much refuse to get help ! Anyways... Back to the job ...
As I kicked the bin I stood about to leave and quit my job when 2 lady's came in, the one trying to calm me and the one praying for me, when she was praying that changed everything, I realize I missed that so much as I had that almost every  day at the program I was on and now I hasn't had it for so long. After my out burst people came up to me and was like are you alright ? I really wanted to fall down and be like no pray for me!

Being in the real world is hard. Working 5days a week for about 9 hours a day it can be very hard and when you in a place where people are just mean it's even more hard but the high light of my job is that I can pay my rent, buy my food and live and while I'm doing this I can learn so much.

I guess that I'll always be sad and torn over what has happen over the last year but I am alive and I am here , life is tough but the main thing we have to forces on is Jesus and the love he has for us.
Never be afraid of reaching out for help, some people will gladly help you , others will watch you suffer and that's okay they are just plain stupid and you know that !
Always remember you are loved and you do matter.

Can I do it ?

As I was talking about my struggle of suicide, about all the times I have try to end my life , the person looked at me and asked me one question that left me with lots of thoughts. I was asked cat you have "try " over and over to end your life but do you think you will do it ? Do you think maybe you only go half way because you hope that someone will save you ?

One of the things I was left with was does everyone think I wouldn't do it ? If they do that's a huge risk that could end my life, the other was if nobody thought I could go though it, I wanted to prove them wrong and that was big trouble for me. Another sign to suicide when you say something like this the person is going to have lots of thoughts and one of these thoughts is this.
" I'm going prove them wrong, they don't know my struggle. "

My another thought was why would I want to be saved ? I mean really why the heck do I want to be save by anyone ? I have Jesus and that is enough for me or is it really ?

One of the things I had to face with learning about suicide is that Jesus isn't enough. Hearing the testimony of a lady who is a strong Christian sharing on how depress she is yet she does everything right, even trying think positive but that doesn't help, what she needed was someone by her side to hold her, to encourage her, to help her and to support her.

I hear many of these stories and I am left with angry because its the truth yet people end their lives because there isn't enough help.
So do I want to be save ? By someone ? I thought about the fact that could work for me, but then I realize that many people have try to help me yet they GAVE UP on me...
I do think when I get to the point of doing it I will be encouraged by all the people who gave up on me and I'll be seeing them behide me trying push me shouting "WE CANT HELP YOU."

Another sign of suicide which everyone misses.

Can anyone save me ? No, do I want to be saved ? No, do I want to help people though their struggles? Yes and I guess that's why I keep going on bit by bit. Yet the truth is I only live because Jesus allows it and when he takes me I will be happy because I'm not happy and that's okay.

You don't have to be happy. You only need to be *brave *.

Chester Bennington

When I woke up to the news that Chester died I was sad but when I read he ended his life my heart was so sore it is still sore! I was so shocked I hope it wasn't true !
Linkin park music help me a lot and it still does. Chester was my icon and to hear he died by suicide it is so heart breaking ! What makes me more angry is that there was signs that was missed, signs that could of saved his life and now only people are saying what could have we done ? Its so sad that the world will talk about suicide for a couple of days but then forget it intill it happens to someone famous again. Well I am here  to tell you we need to talk about suicide every day, every week and every month and every year. Suicide is taking lives and we need to stop it !

One of my all time songs of linkin park is "numb"

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

One of my favorite parts of the song is the above.

I am truly sadden we have to say good bye to someone who died of suicide, I am so heart broken. Chester help so many people yet he himself was not help and that what's sad ! May he rest in peace!!!!

What are you doing to save a life ?

Sunday, 16 July 2017

Be inspired

I want people to see these blogs and be inspired, I want people to have hope and to know even when bad things happen there is a way to push though. I have had many hardships and many set backs and I can simply say hey I'm going give up because people around me have given up or I can say let's try this again.
I know what's it like to be different and to be label and told so many things but I want the world to know even when things are said about you, you have the power to choose to say yes I take those words or no I refuse to !
I started these blogs just to have a way of coping yet these blogs have grown and people have been inspired, even When some do not make sense I still decide to post them because I know that it will touch people in some way.
This post is for all the people who have ready blogs and keep a look out on them, I want to thank you for your support and I want to encourage you to always be strong and to have faith, without faith we are nothing. I want to tell you that you are loved and that if I can do it so can you. There is many things I have not shared but I can tell you if some people went though what I have they would not be here today . I believe I am here because God wants Me to be the voice to the voice less. He wants me to show the world that no matter how much darkness there is you can have light and you can live.
May you always be inspired and may the Lord Jesus Christ always be the reason why you are inspired. May he use me to inspire you.
Always remember Jesus loves you.

Love or hate

As I was sitting at church with a Lady my old therapist came along greeted then took the lady with her and sat in a different spot, I didn't know what to feel or to say about it. I didn't know why she was doing her absolute best to hurt me. We have come a long way and for a year now she has pretty much box me and even when God has asked me to show grace towards her I just  am so broken because of her.
Let's rewind.. .

About a year ago she gave up on me and pretty much told me I could never be help, even when I gave up on myself she too gave up on me. In 2014 she came in to my life and changed my hole view on life. People who knew me well told me she did something to me because now I'm not angry and mad as I use to be. Never did I thought she would end up breaking me and making me so sick up to the point where I can't even hold myself together when I see her. Though it has gotten better. We attend the same church which makes life much more difficult. I don't do much at church because I just can't bare to be around her.
Of course I have not told her how I feel and how much she has really hurt me. I have given up trying because most of the Time I do she ends up avoiding me. Over  a year I have had all the time in the world to build up a picture of her in my head where I see her as miss devil trying to throw stick and stones at me. When we don't comfort someone about the hurt they have caused us we become bitter and it can lead to bad things. So far iv had lash outs with her by making a mean comment or sending her a pretty much angry email. Which I haven't none as much but I often write about her which has help a lot. What doesn't help is hiding from her because I can't bear her.

I don't know if I can say I love her or hate her, I just look at her and all I see is someone with an ax ready to chop me bit by bit. I use to love her so much I mean I would of died for her but now I just wouldn't care less.

How wrong am I even when God asked me to show grace towards her ? A person who gives up so easily And can't even face me ?
Sometimes I just cry and cry Intill I can't anymore because it's to painful to love someone who doesn't love you back who doesn't care.

Its so hard to be around people who give up so easily, who doesn't want you around and will do anything to hurt you. But you know what its okay to feel the way you do towards that person because if you don't knowledge how you feel you will only go much more worse then ever before.

When someone has hurt you so much don't hold back just let it out and work on getting well again. Alot of the time people pad up what they should be showing instead.

Be the brave one and look after yourself.

Saturday, 15 July 2017

The cover up

"If the church was full of people who loved no matter what and never gave up on people, there would be less suicide among the church ".quote by c smale

Recently I had to face some challenges around the word "suicide". Someone at a church died and a few people assume its suicide when I try to talk about this topic I was left with a huge knock on my head.

The Christian world sees this as murder yet the Bible talks about suicide in many ways.
I do not believe suicide is murder in fact its a result of something greater.

Even when people are talking about the fact this person could have died of suicide the church has done little too find out if it is and if it is they should  face it instead of coving it up and hey I mean this in no way of bad mouthing my church, I love them but I am pretty fed up with ***anyone*** who talks crap about suicide when they know**nothing** about it.

I remember when my old therapist sat me down and told me suicide is attention seeking even when she said sorry afterwards it meant nothing to me because from that moment what ever I shared with her I knew she didn't care and what she believed over wrote the real meaning of what I really felt. I mean who am I and who is she ? She a therapist and knows better? Spent years studying ? Has a degree and knows everything ? When I'm just someone who has try to end my life from the age of 9 and have spent years doing research on why I have done so and why people end their life I mean who am I really ? Just someone who keeps trying to end her life .... And that what gets me mad is that people can say but its so wrong when most people who end their life has a *mental illness * but hey mental illness is just seen as an evil thing its not an illness but a evil spirit...

A while ago I did a course at church and one of the session was on depression and suicide and how the real world is just acting like a victim. Oh feel sorry for me. Please ! Please just notice me.... Well that's bull shit ! Sorry I am also sick of people saying things like that ! You have no idea what's going on in one mind really.... I mean you don't wake up one day and say oh I'm depress I'm going end my life. Bull its a battle and a illness just like Cancer. Get a life to everyone who thinks suicide is just an act or murder. I am here to tell you other wise. There is someone right in front of you who needs help but its people like you who are the reason why they dead ! If you haven't already a must see TV series is 13 reasons and its really covers this subject.

Let's take a look at the bible and what it says about suicide

Funny enough the bible talks a lot about mental illness and suicide but hey this seems to past some people eyes....shame...let's pray for them....

Anyways back to the sharing.
I want to forces on this story today and I'll share more In other post.

( When Judas, who had betrayed him, saw that Jesus was condemned, he was seized with remorse and returned the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and the elders. “I have sinned,” he said, “for I have betrayed innocent blood.” “What is that to us?” they replied. “That’s your responsibility.”  So Judas threw the money into the temple and left. Then he went away and hanged himself.
Mathew 27.3-5 )

Everyone hates Judas because he betrayed Jesus yet Jesus loved him. Jesus knew he was going betray him yet he chose him. I mean if I knew someone was going betray me I sure in hell will get away from that person !
Judas felt trap and he felt so guilty that he betrayed blood when he try to fix what he did he saw no other way and went to hang him self and that was the final for him. Feeling trap can be a very major sign of suicide. Often not notice but this can be an end result. The fact of doing something so bad then seeing no way of getting out of it can lead to suicide. Let's face it what Judas did was unforgivable but I bet you if he did not hang himself jesus still would of come back and showed grace towards him. The very fact that he chose him shows this. The very fact the Judas knew he sin shows he knew he was wrong but still he hang himself.

Suicide is an end result but it can be stop but if its medical reasons then that's a different subject for another post.

What are you doing to know more of suicide and how can you save a life ?

Thursday, 13 July 2017

I have nothing to say (peom )

I have nothing to say to you the one who gave up on me... I have nothing to say to you the one who place me in a box and sent me to the un worthy department... I have nothing to say to you the one who sings in the band but can't even stare me in the face...and even when you punched me with your levels of high standards and forgot me for a year I still love you....stupid I am is written on my arms with blades that left blood stains and there you stand hiding away from me with you views of God all over the place and your hands up all over the sky but you can't even touch me with kindness or even with the love God has place in you...oh No I have nothing to say to you the one name who breaks me down when ever I hear it. Oh how she a an angel there for anyone but me.... I have nothing to you the one who drives a blue car and killed me while doing so... I have nothing to say because I'm a nothing in your eyes and forever more I'll always be but while you avoiding me...placing me in a box....hiding away from me....remember .....I have nothing to say to the one who I'm related to yet none of that will ever matter will it......

Sunday, 9 July 2017

The 3 dangerous mask one could "wear"

In life we try our best to put on a brave face and make people think we are okay when really we are not okay.
How many times have you try to hold back your tears because you feel you are going be judged?
How many times you hold back how you feel because you afraid you will be judged ?
I will be starting a series on suicide and how to watch out for the signs no one is even aware of. This is part of it.

We all wear masks. Everyone in the hole wide world has a mask on to hide who they really are.

A mask is  a manner or expression that hides one's true character or feelings.

Are you one of those people who falls in this patten ?
We put so much pressure on ourselves to be like everyone else when God created you and me just the way he wanted to. We are special and he loves us.

Mask 1 is happinesses.
How hard do we try to look (happy) when really we are so broken? Often we try to make others happy yet we are so utterly depress and that can lead to greater loss.  We need to look out for this number one killer because it can kill. If we are not *honest* about how we really feel we will kill our self's and let me tell you ALWAYS be honest about how you feel because when you are not it can build up and one day you wake up and go ka boom!
Be (you) there no you anywhere else. Who cares what people think , you allow to be sad and to cry and to be broken.

Mask 2. (Strong ) we always put on a brave face and act as if we are strong and I'm not saying we not strong but I'm saying we are weak too and we are allow to be so.  Sometimes being strong is simply falling down and crying.

And mask 3 is joy. Yep you read right. Joy is the biggest lie. Ever. Ever ever and did I say ever ? I'm not saying we can't be joyful but I'm saying we can't earn it or just "have" it. People think joy is just something you have but its not. Joy comes from Jesus Christ and only he can give you that joy, But when you try to be joyful you will only damage your self and end up going (ka boom!)

At the moment I am really digging for some answers from God and asking him why oh why am I so broken when I discover that one of the most dangerous prayers one could pray for is to break me. When I read this I was like Holy cheese ! How can one pray to be broken ?
Then I realize that in order for God to use us we need to be more like Jesus and the only way we can be more like him is by being broken so God can make us brand new.

We are allow to be broken and we are allow to cry scream and be depress and don't let anyone tell you other wise but I encourage you strongly to seek God more then ever when you in this season and to allow people in. There are people who care you just need to find them.

The other day I was so hurt by someone who isn't really in my life anymore when she got someone to send me something instead of her doing it her self I was so angry and mad that I relapse (yes I have a struggle I have not shared yet and will share one day ) I remember I went to bed even worse. The next day I fell in to tears at work and couldn't even do my work well. I realize that the hurt this person caused me I was not over. I thought I was over it, I thought I could face her and love her but I knew I couldn't because it was so sore. When on a Friday morning I woke up from a bad dream of her but in tears but this time these tears were different. I got up dressed for work, made lunch and then went to lay down. I remember I was still crying and I just lay there, and all I said was Jesus please comfort me because I am broken and all I need is you to hold me at that moment I felt God so strongly then ever before.

I was honest with Jesus but i also didn't say anything else. I only said comfort me. Sometimes that's all we need. Sometimes all we need to do is to go up to someone we trust and say hey I'm broken comfort me. That's all we need to do. We need to reach out and be true.

Don't let the masks keep you from over coming hurt and pain. You much more worth then that.
Reach out and be you.

Friday, 7 July 2017

Getting to know the blogger (Me)

You have found yourself at my blogs and you wondering who on earth am I? well call me cat! The cat who has over come so much! I was born in Durban south Africa and now I live in cape town and it’s a beautiful place! At 10 day old I was given up for adoption and a few months it was said I am mentally retarded…so many things were said about me, from being blind in one eye to never being able to walk or live a normal life! I always knew that something inside of me was never what I heard. I was raised by a family who did not believe I could live a normal life and ill like to say that none of these blogs are to harm them, I am sharing my life story to help people who think they have no hope and cant do anything, to be inspire my life story! Some things I will not share but some I will.
I love writing and I want to bring it alive and follow my dream!
I have had to face so many hardships but I have over come so many! I love writing in poems and love writing in riddles but I see things so different and I believe that is talent ! we all have a talent we just need to believe in ourselves!
Growing up with a label changes your view in life and you struggle to see things like normal people would but hey! Who on earth is normal!!!!!!
 Right lets get back to who I am, so in my teen years I began to take in swimming and even swam for KZN, sadly at the age of 16 I left school hoping to go to normal schooling but this never happen, so I couldn’t swim anymore and that was pretty hard. Today I swim at the beach and people often stop me and ask me hey are you swimming for a club? I guess I never stop being great!
So I can swim and I do a lot of walking and enjoy bird watching, I often am amaze at how free the birds are and how amazing it is for them to not worry about anything! They don’t have to worry about food, rent or where they going sleep!
So I am someone who can do so much and I am so not mentally retarded or even special needs!
I want the reader to know that no matter what is being said over you or your life you should never ever allow those words to come alive only if they are good and positive words.
We need to believe in ourselves and we need to have faith that we can over come anything!

I look forward to be inspiring those who feel hopless I want to be the voice to the voiceless! Big high five! Be bless !