Sunday, 30 July 2017

Suicide attempts, when will the bell ring ?

Walking along the bright green trees with large buildings around me, with a loud bell ringing so loud , it can only mean one thing, a church is ringing it for each hour. I wonder when my hour will come ? When the phones of my loved ones will not stop ringing, when they are face with so much tears but will they have tears ? Or will they celebrate the coming of the end ? 

I have try over and over to end my life, since the age of 9. That's a long time. As the years have pass it has become more lonelier with noone to turn when I'm so suicidal. Now I have to turn to ways to help me cope with my suicide mind. 
Awhile back I took over 100 pills and after I took them I decided to go to small group that evening. I remember I kept vomiting. The people wanted to know what was up but how could I tell them ? That I took over a 100 pills and wanted to die ? I mean what kind of Christian was I ? 

The next day I went to the docters and was told that I should be dead or in a coma yet a day latter I walked out those doors. 

During this time I was all *alone * I had noone. I mean how can I tell someone I want to die ? They other tell me I must get help or they will pray for me. Never once will they support me during that time. And I guess that's why people don't talk about it. 

If there anyone I have the most respect for its my mentor who has supported me though my suicide attempts. She has been there no matter what and because of it I always try some how tell her I'm suicidal. Of course life goes on and now I can't really reach out to her. I can't tell her hey I want to die help me. She will other tell me to get help. 

When all I need is support from the people I care about. I often wonder when my suicide attempts will be the last. When I wake up in heaven and have no more pain.

I remember my adopted mother told me I'll always be alone. I'll always mess things up. Maybe she was right. But I know one thing when I come so close to death and I'm always alone and it shouldn't be that way. I shouldn't have to try and end my life because of my pain. I should have support yet that's a huge lack. 

Perhaps something needed to change. When I think of the person who might have ended his life at church I think of the fact how lonely he was and how he couldn't talk about it. How he felt because I know how he felt. If only I could have done something. Spoken to him , some how reach out even if its telling him I also want to die and that's okay. 
At the end of the day we need support and we need to speak but in the Christian world suicide is seen as an abolish so sinful. 
When its not. 
Just the other day I read a bible plan on how (suicide can be forgiven ) I was mad ! Its like saying flu can be forgiven or cancer. Its like saying we choose to be sick. Well fuck that pastor who wrote that ! WE DO NOT CHOSSE TO BE SICK. 
I mean wtf ? I am a Christian and a follower of jesus but I draw the line when it comes to this topic. I will not be ashamed to challenge anyone on this topic. Mental health is not a choice. We do not chosse this. In fact all I ever pray is jesus heal me ! Why do I want to die ? Kill me please ! 
Sometime I don't get why he doesn't heal me but I put my trust in him and I believe one day I will be healed even if its only in heaven. 

I'm not ashamed to say I want to die. You shouldn't be either. Talk, shout, knock on doors. Find someone who will listen and be strong.

Tuesday, 25 July 2017

Rewind everything

Rewind everything , wipe away all the pain, rewind the past and fit it with a radio of air waves holding me together, rewind everything, wipe away all the scars left on my arms, throw them in the deep waters of apple juice, filled with leoms, rewind everything , take me to the day where I never saw the blue car , fit it into a ship and ship it away with all the green people , rewind everything, take me back to the peaceful moments , no pain, no tears,  oh no.... Rewind everything because no peace ever was, pain was always with gun shots hitting my head with blunt words only to slowly kill me...rewind everything ....find something ...besides the blue car place me there and re forward everything, change the outcome the pain oh please ....rewind everything  change it oh please change it..... 

Sunday, 16 July 2017

Be inspired

I want people to see these blogs and be inspired, I want people to have hope and to know even when bad things happen there is a way to push though. I have had many hardships and many set backs and I can simply say hey I'm going give up because people around me have given up or I can say let's try this again.
I know what's it like to be different and to be label and told so many things but I want the world to know even when things are said about you, you have the power to choose to say yes I take those words or no I refuse to !
I started these blogs just to have a way of coping yet these blogs have grown and people have been inspired, even When some do not make sense I still decide to post them because I know that it will touch people in some way.
This post is for all the people who have ready blogs and keep a look out on them, I want to thank you for your support and I want to encourage you to always be strong and to have faith, without faith we are nothing. I want to tell you that you are loved and that if I can do it so can you. There is many things I have not shared but I can tell you if some people went though what I have they would not be here today . I believe I am here because God wants Me to be the voice to the voice less. He wants me to show the world that no matter how much darkness there is you can have light and you can live.
May you always be inspired and may the Lord Jesus Christ always be the reason why you are inspired. May he use me to inspire you.
Always remember Jesus loves you.

Love or hate

As I was sitting at church with a Lady my old therapist came along greeted then took the lady with her and sat in a different spot, I didn't know what to feel or to say about it. I didn't know why she was doing her absolute best to hurt me. We have come a long way and for a year now she has pretty much box me and even when God has asked me to show grace towards her I just  am so broken because of her.
Let's rewind.. .

About a year ago she gave up on me and pretty much told me I could never be help, even when I gave up on myself she too gave up on me. In 2014 she came in to my life and changed my hole view on life. People who knew me well told me she did something to me because now I'm not angry and mad as I use to be. Never did I thought she would end up breaking me and making me so sick up to the point where I can't even hold myself together when I see her. Though it has gotten better. We attend the same church which makes life much more difficult. I don't do much at church because I just can't bare to be around her.
Of course I have not told her how I feel and how much she has really hurt me. I have given up trying because most of the Time I do she ends up avoiding me. Over  a year I have had all the time in the world to build up a picture of her in my head where I see her as miss devil trying to throw stick and stones at me. When we don't comfort someone about the hurt they have caused us we become bitter and it can lead to bad things. So far iv had lash outs with her by making a mean comment or sending her a pretty much angry email. Which I haven't none as much but I often write about her which has help a lot. What doesn't help is hiding from her because I can't bear her.

I don't know if I can say I love her or hate her, I just look at her and all I see is someone with an ax ready to chop me bit by bit. I use to love her so much I mean I would of died for her but now I just wouldn't care less.

How wrong am I even when God asked me to show grace towards her ? A person who gives up so easily And can't even face me ?
Sometimes I just cry and cry Intill I can't anymore because it's to painful to love someone who doesn't love you back who doesn't care.

Its so hard to be around people who give up so easily, who doesn't want you around and will do anything to hurt you. But you know what its okay to feel the way you do towards that person because if you don't knowledge how you feel you will only go much more worse then ever before.

When someone has hurt you so much don't hold back just let it out and work on getting well again. Alot of the time people pad up what they should be showing instead.

Be the brave one and look after yourself.

Sunday, 9 July 2017

The 3 dangerous mask one could "wear"

In life we try our best to put on a brave face and make people think we are okay when really we are not okay.
How many times have you try to hold back your tears because you feel you are going be judged?
How many times you hold back how you feel because you afraid you will be judged ?
I will be starting a series on suicide and how to watch out for the signs no one is even aware of. This is part of it.

We all wear masks. Everyone in the hole wide world has a mask on to hide who they really are.

A mask is  a manner or expression that hides one's true character or feelings.

Are you one of those people who falls in this patten ?
We put so much pressure on ourselves to be like everyone else when God created you and me just the way he wanted to. We are special and he loves us.

Mask 1 is happinesses.
How hard do we try to look (happy) when really we are so broken? Often we try to make others happy yet we are so utterly depress and that can lead to greater loss.  We need to look out for this number one killer because it can kill. If we are not *honest* about how we really feel we will kill our self's and let me tell you ALWAYS be honest about how you feel because when you are not it can build up and one day you wake up and go ka boom!
Be (you) there no you anywhere else. Who cares what people think , you allow to be sad and to cry and to be broken.

Mask 2. (Strong ) we always put on a brave face and act as if we are strong and I'm not saying we not strong but I'm saying we are weak too and we are allow to be so.  Sometimes being strong is simply falling down and crying.

And mask 3 is joy. Yep you read right. Joy is the biggest lie. Ever. Ever ever and did I say ever ? I'm not saying we can't be joyful but I'm saying we can't earn it or just "have" it. People think joy is just something you have but its not. Joy comes from Jesus Christ and only he can give you that joy, But when you try to be joyful you will only damage your self and end up going (ka boom!)

At the moment I am really digging for some answers from God and asking him why oh why am I so broken when I discover that one of the most dangerous prayers one could pray for is to break me. When I read this I was like Holy cheese ! How can one pray to be broken ?
Then I realize that in order for God to use us we need to be more like Jesus and the only way we can be more like him is by being broken so God can make us brand new.

We are allow to be broken and we are allow to cry scream and be depress and don't let anyone tell you other wise but I encourage you strongly to seek God more then ever when you in this season and to allow people in. There are people who care you just need to find them.

The other day I was so hurt by someone who isn't really in my life anymore when she got someone to send me something instead of her doing it her self I was so angry and mad that I relapse (yes I have a struggle I have not shared yet and will share one day ) I remember I went to bed even worse. The next day I fell in to tears at work and couldn't even do my work well. I realize that the hurt this person caused me I was not over. I thought I was over it, I thought I could face her and love her but I knew I couldn't because it was so sore. When on a Friday morning I woke up from a bad dream of her but in tears but this time these tears were different. I got up dressed for work, made lunch and then went to lay down. I remember I was still crying and I just lay there, and all I said was Jesus please comfort me because I am broken and all I need is you to hold me at that moment I felt God so strongly then ever before.

I was honest with Jesus but i also didn't say anything else. I only said comfort me. Sometimes that's all we need. Sometimes all we need to do is to go up to someone we trust and say hey I'm broken comfort me. That's all we need to do. We need to reach out and be true.

Don't let the masks keep you from over coming hurt and pain. You much more worth then that.
Reach out and be you.

Friday, 7 July 2017

Getting to know the blogger (Me)

You have found yourself at my blogs and you wondering who on earth am I? well call me cat! The cat who has over come so much! I was born in Durban south Africa and now I live in cape town and it’s a beautiful place! At 10 day old I was given up for adoption and a few months it was said I am mentally retarded…so many things were said about me, from being blind in one eye to never being able to walk or live a normal life! I always knew that something inside of me was never what I heard. I was raised by a family who did not believe I could live a normal life and ill like to say that none of these blogs are to harm them, I am sharing my life story to help people who think they have no hope and cant do anything, to be inspire my life story! Some things I will not share but some I will.
I love writing and I want to bring it alive and follow my dream!
I have had to face so many hardships but I have over come so many! I love writing in poems and love writing in riddles but I see things so different and I believe that is talent ! we all have a talent we just need to believe in ourselves!
Growing up with a label changes your view in life and you struggle to see things like normal people would but hey! Who on earth is normal!!!!!!
 Right lets get back to who I am, so in my teen years I began to take in swimming and even swam for KZN, sadly at the age of 16 I left school hoping to go to normal schooling but this never happen, so I couldn’t swim anymore and that was pretty hard. Today I swim at the beach and people often stop me and ask me hey are you swimming for a club? I guess I never stop being great!
So I can swim and I do a lot of walking and enjoy bird watching, I often am amaze at how free the birds are and how amazing it is for them to not worry about anything! They don’t have to worry about food, rent or where they going sleep!
So I am someone who can do so much and I am so not mentally retarded or even special needs!
I want the reader to know that no matter what is being said over you or your life you should never ever allow those words to come alive only if they are good and positive words.
We need to believe in ourselves and we need to have faith that we can over come anything!

I look forward to be inspiring those who feel hopless I want to be the voice to the voiceless! Big high five! Be bless !