As I was talking about my struggle of suicide, about all the times I have try to end my life , the person looked at me and asked me one question that left me with lots of thoughts. I was asked cat you have "try " over and over to end your life but do you think you will do it ? Do you think maybe you only go half way because you hope that someone will save you ?
One of the things I was left with was does everyone think I wouldn't do it ? If they do that's a huge risk that could end my life, the other was if nobody thought I could go though it, I wanted to prove them wrong and that was big trouble for me. Another sign to suicide when you say something like this the person is going to have lots of thoughts and one of these thoughts is this.
" I'm going prove them wrong, they don't know my struggle. "
My another thought was why would I want to be saved ? I mean really why the heck do I want to be save by anyone ? I have Jesus and that is enough for me or is it really ?
One of the things I had to face with learning about suicide is that Jesus isn't enough. Hearing the testimony of a lady who is a strong Christian sharing on how depress she is yet she does everything right, even trying think positive but that doesn't help, what she needed was someone by her side to hold her, to encourage her, to help her and to support her.
I hear many of these stories and I am left with angry because its the truth yet people end their lives because there isn't enough help.
So do I want to be save ? By someone ? I thought about the fact that could work for me, but then I realize that many people have try to help me yet they GAVE UP on me...
I do think when I get to the point of doing it I will be encouraged by all the people who gave up on me and I'll be seeing them behide me trying push me shouting "WE CANT HELP YOU."
Another sign of suicide which everyone misses.
Can anyone save me ? No, do I want to be saved ? No, do I want to help people though their struggles? Yes and I guess that's why I keep going on bit by bit. Yet the truth is I only live because Jesus allows it and when he takes me I will be happy because I'm not happy and that's okay.
You don't have to be happy. You only need to be *brave *.