Sunday, 16 July 2017

Love or hate

As I was sitting at church with a Lady my old therapist came along greeted then took the lady with her and sat in a different spot, I didn't know what to feel or to say about it. I didn't know why she was doing her absolute best to hurt me. We have come a long way and for a year now she has pretty much box me and even when God has asked me to show grace towards her I just  am so broken because of her.
Let's rewind.. .

About a year ago she gave up on me and pretty much told me I could never be help, even when I gave up on myself she too gave up on me. In 2014 she came in to my life and changed my hole view on life. People who knew me well told me she did something to me because now I'm not angry and mad as I use to be. Never did I thought she would end up breaking me and making me so sick up to the point where I can't even hold myself together when I see her. Though it has gotten better. We attend the same church which makes life much more difficult. I don't do much at church because I just can't bare to be around her.
Of course I have not told her how I feel and how much she has really hurt me. I have given up trying because most of the Time I do she ends up avoiding me. Over  a year I have had all the time in the world to build up a picture of her in my head where I see her as miss devil trying to throw stick and stones at me. When we don't comfort someone about the hurt they have caused us we become bitter and it can lead to bad things. So far iv had lash outs with her by making a mean comment or sending her a pretty much angry email. Which I haven't none as much but I often write about her which has help a lot. What doesn't help is hiding from her because I can't bear her.

I don't know if I can say I love her or hate her, I just look at her and all I see is someone with an ax ready to chop me bit by bit. I use to love her so much I mean I would of died for her but now I just wouldn't care less.

How wrong am I even when God asked me to show grace towards her ? A person who gives up so easily And can't even face me ?
Sometimes I just cry and cry Intill I can't anymore because it's to painful to love someone who doesn't love you back who doesn't care.

Its so hard to be around people who give up so easily, who doesn't want you around and will do anything to hurt you. But you know what its okay to feel the way you do towards that person because if you don't knowledge how you feel you will only go much more worse then ever before.

When someone has hurt you so much don't hold back just let it out and work on getting well again. Alot of the time people pad up what they should be showing instead.

Be the brave one and look after yourself.

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