Saturday, 22 July 2017

One year gone .

When I think back of the day I left the program I remember it very clearly, some people were happy to have me gone in fact I don't remember anyone trying fight to keep me there, it was most likely a happy time I guess, its been a year now and still I cry and mourn the great loss I encounter. I have had to fight to survive while the people there move on and forget about me when there not a day I do not think of them, its been a very hard year, I have fallen in to some bad habits and often I would not have any food, I think that was the worse part for me when I lay in bed thinking of the people and being so hungry and be like what the heck is going on ?! Some days I had no food, some days I spent sleeping and some days I spent crying. When I look over the year I can hardly believe I made it but I have, and all praise goes to Jesus.
I have had to reach out for help with my church and that was the hardiest part of it all, to say hey I'm in need, I'm in trouble, help me, and I must say even though the church couldn't help with everything there are amazing people who really help and I really look up to them. Reaching out for help is so important and its a must.
When I started to go more to small group I could see that help me and the support they gave me was something I really needed at the time. I could not be alone I knew I needed to be around people during this difficult time.
I have had a full time job for about a month now. This is really my first real full time job besides the job program I was on, most of the other things I did was part time work or volunteer work.
I have had to face many challenges and many difficult things but I have learnt so much and if there anything I love its learning and working hard !

I have met many people who have other been kind or bully me and its really taken my view on life different.

To be bully is not cool at all, I don't only get bully at work I get bully *everywhere* and that's really bull. ...

Just this Friday I had a huge out burst when people I was hanging with was talking bad about other people, I was so mad that I started to cry and flip out and kicked the bin and might have broken it !...
It was the first out burst I have had since leaving the job program, and I must say it felt good afterwards!

A sign of suicide is out burst because one keeps so much inside that something so small can hit the person and bang !

I have had a lot to deal with for the last year and I have had no help for any of it and I guess I'm going flip because I'm pretty much refuse to get help ! Anyways... Back to the job ...
As I kicked the bin I stood about to leave and quit my job when 2 lady's came in, the one trying to calm me and the one praying for me, when she was praying that changed everything, I realize I missed that so much as I had that almost every  day at the program I was on and now I hasn't had it for so long. After my out burst people came up to me and was like are you alright ? I really wanted to fall down and be like no pray for me!

Being in the real world is hard. Working 5days a week for about 9 hours a day it can be very hard and when you in a place where people are just mean it's even more hard but the high light of my job is that I can pay my rent, buy my food and live and while I'm doing this I can learn so much.

I guess that I'll always be sad and torn over what has happen over the last year but I am alive and I am here , life is tough but the main thing we have to forces on is Jesus and the love he has for us.
Never be afraid of reaching out for help, some people will gladly help you , others will watch you suffer and that's okay they are just plain stupid and you know that !
Always remember you are loved and you do matter.

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