Sunday, 30 July 2017

Suicide attempts, when will the bell ring ?

Walking along the bright green trees with large buildings around me, with a loud bell ringing so loud , it can only mean one thing, a church is ringing it for each hour. I wonder when my hour will come ? When the phones of my loved ones will not stop ringing, when they are face with so much tears but will they have tears ? Or will they celebrate the coming of the end ? 

I have try over and over to end my life, since the age of 9. That's a long time. As the years have pass it has become more lonelier with noone to turn when I'm so suicidal. Now I have to turn to ways to help me cope with my suicide mind. 
Awhile back I took over 100 pills and after I took them I decided to go to small group that evening. I remember I kept vomiting. The people wanted to know what was up but how could I tell them ? That I took over a 100 pills and wanted to die ? I mean what kind of Christian was I ? 

The next day I went to the docters and was told that I should be dead or in a coma yet a day latter I walked out those doors. 

During this time I was all *alone * I had noone. I mean how can I tell someone I want to die ? They other tell me I must get help or they will pray for me. Never once will they support me during that time. And I guess that's why people don't talk about it. 

If there anyone I have the most respect for its my mentor who has supported me though my suicide attempts. She has been there no matter what and because of it I always try some how tell her I'm suicidal. Of course life goes on and now I can't really reach out to her. I can't tell her hey I want to die help me. She will other tell me to get help. 

When all I need is support from the people I care about. I often wonder when my suicide attempts will be the last. When I wake up in heaven and have no more pain.

I remember my adopted mother told me I'll always be alone. I'll always mess things up. Maybe she was right. But I know one thing when I come so close to death and I'm always alone and it shouldn't be that way. I shouldn't have to try and end my life because of my pain. I should have support yet that's a huge lack. 

Perhaps something needed to change. When I think of the person who might have ended his life at church I think of the fact how lonely he was and how he couldn't talk about it. How he felt because I know how he felt. If only I could have done something. Spoken to him , some how reach out even if its telling him I also want to die and that's okay. 
At the end of the day we need support and we need to speak but in the Christian world suicide is seen as an abolish so sinful. 
When its not. 
Just the other day I read a bible plan on how (suicide can be forgiven ) I was mad ! Its like saying flu can be forgiven or cancer. Its like saying we choose to be sick. Well fuck that pastor who wrote that ! WE DO NOT CHOSSE TO BE SICK. 
I mean wtf ? I am a Christian and a follower of jesus but I draw the line when it comes to this topic. I will not be ashamed to challenge anyone on this topic. Mental health is not a choice. We do not chosse this. In fact all I ever pray is jesus heal me ! Why do I want to die ? Kill me please ! 
Sometime I don't get why he doesn't heal me but I put my trust in him and I believe one day I will be healed even if its only in heaven. 

I'm not ashamed to say I want to die. You shouldn't be either. Talk, shout, knock on doors. Find someone who will listen and be strong. 

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