Tuesday, 29 August 2017

The hero that doesn't let you down .

Have you ever really thought of someone just being your hero? Like someone who just sees you for you and will save you from all your downs ? Someone you look up to, perhaps someone who inspires you. 
I have, My hole life people just walk over me and gave up and one day I came along my mentor who I love so much ". 
She inspire me to keep fighting cause she showed me so much grace , however she too left me for a few months , during those months we kept in contact yet my life was spinning out of control, when she came back I thought she would help me turn it around, I was so dead wrong not only did she refuse to help me, she ended up hurting me in a way I thought I wouldn't cope with, Yet she taught me such a value lesson about life, that is to fight for what you want and believe in. 

I recently found out she invited one of my old co workers to her wedding yet not me " after I heard this I was about to send her a very long angry email cause that's what I do best :) 
But then God was like why ? Why are you wasting your words ? Tell me how you feel , I am your hero. " 

I fell and had a crying party because he was so right. We cling on to people who only hurt us and reject us , we make them our hero's yet they are only humans and they not perfect and they going let us down. Always but God he will never let us down. He will never leave us or hurt us. He loves us so much. 

As I try to reach out to my mentor I realize she cares but not the way I would like her to and that's not her fault. I realize that with anyone I want them to be this perfect Angel but they not and that's okay. 

When my mentor hurt me I didn't feel angry or sad I in fact was like Lord I got you and only you. Her hurt didn't matter because it couldn't get deep down inside me. I mean her actions did hurt  me but I realize you other want me in your life or you don't. You make the choice but for me there so many people in this world who would want me in their life and I should find them better yet I should not make them my hero but I should cling on to Jesus cause he's the hero that will never let me down!

I mean he took all punishment and place it on himself and I will never get that infact i dont think i will ever understand his love for me. His love is great and its all we need more then anything ! We need a super hero and Jesus is that hero ! As you reading this in your life what area do you need a super hero for ? Maybe its just the down part , maybe its the "needs" part , I am here to tell you that you need him in all your parts, the sad and the happy. He will never never let you down as I have said over and over ! Is Jesus your super hero ?

Sunday, 20 August 2017

The new mirror

A question that keeps coming up in my life is (do I want to get well )  For months even years I couldn't face the answer or even think about it,  and here I am about to share my answer, an answer I was always ashamed of. Yet as I am writing this, I am not ashamed to speak of my answer. 
My mentor asked me this awhile ago and for the first time (I think) I was honest about this question. Do you want to get well she asked ? You always ask me that ! But as I sat there I began to share the answer I hide from everyone for years. 

No I don't want to get well. My answer shocked me even. As I went in to details and thought about what I said after our meeting my heart fell in to a deep shallow of weeps. 

I am so afraid of getting well. I don't know what that looks like. I'm so use to rejection and pain and pity. I'm so use to feeling suicide and doing it. I was okay with it. I was alright with harming myself because being happy scared me. It scared me so much that I limit myself and missed out on life so much while everyone around me was moving on I was stuck in my pain and I didn't know how to get out of that. 

I came before the Lord and asked him often to change my heart. To help me to want to get well or at least desire to get well, for now I have the desire to want the desire to get well and perhaps that's all I need to have. 

This past weekend our church had a ladies camp and I had to face some hurts and really put my pain aside and allow God to do what ever he wants and even if that was me showing love to those who deeply hurt me I had to do it and I did but what really stood out for me was I went there with the mind of wanting some breakthrough. I really really was so burn out and so tired, I was really scared I would in fact end my life so when the door for woman camp open I was all open for it, and when I went there with that mind set God just bless me in so many ways I can't even explain it here, what I can explain is while I was being kind to the people who deeply hurt me I was becoming more alive then ever before, for the first time in months I had lived, I awoke and began to have some fun.
As we got to the camp site I was walking around just waiting for others to come when the lady who I drove with came to me and asked me if I would be keen to be media for the weekend, I was like yeah ! Bring it on ! Oh how taking photos of woman praising Jesus changed my view on the Lord so much infact it changed my view on life , I was the one taking photos of powerful moments, those very moments we will never get back. 
Perpahs that was God plan all along to stop me in my depression tracks and fill me with life all over again and perhaps that could help me to want to get well. 
As drawn broke on Sunday morning I found myself sitting in a tire along the sounds of life going though the photos I took over the weekend and as each photo went pass my eyes so a moment went deep in to my heart. Sitting there and laughing at some Random photos I realize that God did answer someone prayer perhaps many who has been praying for me for months , I sat there smiling and whisper to God , Jesus perhaps I want to get well now perhaps I'm not too scared perhaps I'm ready. 

I can't say that suicide won't go away and I can't say it will always be there perhaps there will be a time where I will wake up and bam I'm healed! But intill then I choose to slowly take steps to that day and even if that's baby steps that's all good. The most powerful thing I learnt this weekend was to take one step at a time, it doesn't haven't to happen all in one go ! Breath and encounter life as it is. Perhaps I got my life back all over again or perhaps I had it all along and I never realize it. 

To end off as morning broke we were all in our beds when we heard a loud noise and when the lady checked some how the mirrow fell and broke, I was abit surprise and didn't take really note on it but when I was sitting latter with the camera of photos I felt the Lord say to me, I have broken your Mirror of life and given you a new one, and at that I was so touch that deep in my heart I cried out to the Lord Jesus and praise him for hearing my prayers. 
Jesus understands my struggle and he with me all the way, healed or not healed I will praise him even when there heavy clouds because I have a new Mirror and I'm going to hold on to it !