Tuesday, 29 August 2017

The hero that doesn't let you down .

Have you ever really thought of someone just being your hero? Like someone who just sees you for you and will save you from all your downs ? Someone you look up to, perhaps someone who inspires you. 
I have, My hole life people just walk over me and gave up and one day I came along my mentor who I love so much ". 
She inspire me to keep fighting cause she showed me so much grace , however she too left me for a few months , during those months we kept in contact yet my life was spinning out of control, when she came back I thought she would help me turn it around, I was so dead wrong not only did she refuse to help me, she ended up hurting me in a way I thought I wouldn't cope with, Yet she taught me such a value lesson about life, that is to fight for what you want and believe in. 

I recently found out she invited one of my old co workers to her wedding yet not me " after I heard this I was about to send her a very long angry email cause that's what I do best :) 
But then God was like why ? Why are you wasting your words ? Tell me how you feel , I am your hero. " 

I fell and had a crying party because he was so right. We cling on to people who only hurt us and reject us , we make them our hero's yet they are only humans and they not perfect and they going let us down. Always but God he will never let us down. He will never leave us or hurt us. He loves us so much. 

As I try to reach out to my mentor I realize she cares but not the way I would like her to and that's not her fault. I realize that with anyone I want them to be this perfect Angel but they not and that's okay. 

When my mentor hurt me I didn't feel angry or sad I in fact was like Lord I got you and only you. Her hurt didn't matter because it couldn't get deep down inside me. I mean her actions did hurt  me but I realize you other want me in your life or you don't. You make the choice but for me there so many people in this world who would want me in their life and I should find them better yet I should not make them my hero but I should cling on to Jesus cause he's the hero that will never let me down!

I mean he took all punishment and place it on himself and I will never get that infact i dont think i will ever understand his love for me. His love is great and its all we need more then anything ! We need a super hero and Jesus is that hero ! As you reading this in your life what area do you need a super hero for ? Maybe its just the down part , maybe its the "needs" part , I am here to tell you that you need him in all your parts, the sad and the happy. He will never never let you down as I have said over and over ! Is Jesus your super hero ?

Sunday, 20 August 2017

The new mirror

A question that keeps coming up in my life is (do I want to get well )  For months even years I couldn't face the answer or even think about it,  and here I am about to share my answer, an answer I was always ashamed of. Yet as I am writing this, I am not ashamed to speak of my answer. 
My mentor asked me this awhile ago and for the first time (I think) I was honest about this question. Do you want to get well she asked ? You always ask me that ! But as I sat there I began to share the answer I hide from everyone for years. 

No I don't want to get well. My answer shocked me even. As I went in to details and thought about what I said after our meeting my heart fell in to a deep shallow of weeps. 

I am so afraid of getting well. I don't know what that looks like. I'm so use to rejection and pain and pity. I'm so use to feeling suicide and doing it. I was okay with it. I was alright with harming myself because being happy scared me. It scared me so much that I limit myself and missed out on life so much while everyone around me was moving on I was stuck in my pain and I didn't know how to get out of that. 

I came before the Lord and asked him often to change my heart. To help me to want to get well or at least desire to get well, for now I have the desire to want the desire to get well and perhaps that's all I need to have. 

This past weekend our church had a ladies camp and I had to face some hurts and really put my pain aside and allow God to do what ever he wants and even if that was me showing love to those who deeply hurt me I had to do it and I did but what really stood out for me was I went there with the mind of wanting some breakthrough. I really really was so burn out and so tired, I was really scared I would in fact end my life so when the door for woman camp open I was all open for it, and when I went there with that mind set God just bless me in so many ways I can't even explain it here, what I can explain is while I was being kind to the people who deeply hurt me I was becoming more alive then ever before, for the first time in months I had lived, I awoke and began to have some fun.
As we got to the camp site I was walking around just waiting for others to come when the lady who I drove with came to me and asked me if I would be keen to be media for the weekend, I was like yeah ! Bring it on ! Oh how taking photos of woman praising Jesus changed my view on the Lord so much infact it changed my view on life , I was the one taking photos of powerful moments, those very moments we will never get back. 
Perpahs that was God plan all along to stop me in my depression tracks and fill me with life all over again and perhaps that could help me to want to get well. 
As drawn broke on Sunday morning I found myself sitting in a tire along the sounds of life going though the photos I took over the weekend and as each photo went pass my eyes so a moment went deep in to my heart. Sitting there and laughing at some Radom photos I realize that God did answer someone prayer perhaps many who has been praying for me for months , I sat there smiling and whisper to God , Jesus perhaps I want to get well now perhaps I'm not too scared perhaps I'm ready. 

I can't say that suicide won't go away and I can't say it will always be there perhaps there will be a time where I will wake up and bam I'm healed! But intill then I choose to slowly take steps to that day and even if that's baby steps that's all good. The most powerful thing I learnt this weekend was to take one step at a time, it doesn't haven't to happen all in one go ! Breath and encounter life as it is. Perhaps I got my life back all over again or perhaps I had it all along and I never realize it. 

To end off as morning broke we were all in our beds when we heard a loud noise and when the lady checked some how the mirrow fell and broke, I was abit surprise and didn't take really note on it but when I was sitting latter with the camera of photos I felt the Lord say to me, I have broken your Mirror of life and given you a new one, and at that I was so touch that deep in my heart I cried out to the Lord Jesus and praise him for hearing my prayers. 
Jesus understands my struggle and he with me all the way, healed or not healed I will praise him even when there heavy clouds because I have a new Mirror and I'm going to hold on to it !

Sunday, 13 August 2017

The hello and good bye box

Life sucks specially when we are place in a "box" thie world is all about a box. If you fat then they box you, if you thin then they box you, if you just a little bit different then they box you, in reality the world only allows normal and rebukes any idea of "different" how sad is that really ? 

Its hard when you stand out but let's face it some of us were made to stand out because that's how God created us. 

As I was standing In church waiting for someone, my old therapist was around , It was super hard for me to be there normally I slip away but this time I had to wait for someone, as she made eye contact I looked at her and thought girl I'm going punch you, and walked across the room. 
I didn't know what made me angry towards her, maybe it was the hurt she left me, or the pain, perhaps it was the fact we didn't have any kind of relationship and that really upset me that she could only say hi and goodbye she didn't care about anything else and that was very difficult for me. 
I hate people who box you in the hello and good bye box. God Is a God of relationship  and he wants everyone to have a relationship.
As I was standing by the other side I wanted to run to the therapist and hug her and tell her to say sorry to me, beg her to love me and fight for me. If there was anything I wanted most was to see her fight for me and to love me but deep down I knew that wouldn't happen. Not now at least. 
When it comes to her or to anyone like her I have 2 choices to avoid and pray for the people or to face them and fight for them. 
Iv learnt that only God fights for me. He knows our hearts and he restores things but only if we ask him. 

We live in a world where we are in the hello and good bye box , stand out and break out of it. God had called you to have relationship with everyone and to love them just as he has loved us. Never give up. There is hope. 

Sunday, 6 August 2017

The rights of those who are refused to be help

As I walked out of church , it was the first time I walked out with so much rage, I walk out those doors in tears and angry but never with so much rage like this, I pulled my fist together and wanted to punch someone, I wanted to explod, so what lead to this ? 

As you all know I write a lot about the program I was on, I try my best to not go to much detail as I also want to protect them but often I don't know why I want to do this since they keep throwing stones at me, 
Being there for 18months changed me but after being refused to be help I just went back to the person I was once Was. 

I'm not the first person they have refuse to help in fact during the months I was not there I spent a lot of time talking to people who was on the program and now even worse I discoved that I  am not the only one who is in pain but how could I help these people ? Why was I so angry when I heard that they didn't want to help them ?

A lady at our church was also on the program, I did my best to encourage her to stay there yet she too chose to leave and she too suffered as I did, I learnt today that she had to send her child to someone since she couldn't feed him. I was so angry and when she went to the program they refused to help her. I was super mad when she told me I had to really cool off before I spoke to anyone. During this time I thought about taking this matter further, surely we had rights. Surly we had a voice and surly we shouldn't be getting this treatment at all. I was right the law was on our side but I have to make the most difficult choice, to turn to the law and to lose people I love the most because of it or to some how find a way to excape this path and find a way where we all as people have rights and are protected but how could I do this ? 

I'm so tired of hearing people being refused of being help, I'm so angry that people can get hurt and turn back to their old way and bad habits. 
I had to end a friendship due to the program since this person was so hurt by them and I didn't want to hate them more because at the time I was dealing with my own pain they had caused me. I wanted to hold on to the good and to the things they did for me, because in every bad event there is good things but as time went by I became more forces on the bad because all I heard and saw was bad. 

I feel like the devil is really trying to pull me away from the church I am at because they support the program plus the therapist who really hurt me gos there, I strongly feel that what ever I do or say doesn't matter because I'm not heard. Maybe Jesus wants me to show grace and maybe he wants me to pray for them but I'm only left with so much rage that even when I'm struggling with hectic things I can't turn to them because I feel I will not be heard. 
Everyone has the right to be heard, everyone has the right to refuse help and everyone has a right to be help, everyone has a voice yet you get people trying to tie these people mouths together so they are not heard. 

I have a right to feel the way I do. I have a right to end my life. I have a right to feel trap and I do. I feel so trapped its un real. I have had to go without food and I have had to face being bully and attack and iv had to face rejection. Now I'm working and yet I'm going down hill because people are bully me and that makes me feel trapped and when I can't get help or to just simply *talk* about it I just fall in to bad habits and fall down all over again. 

Do I have the right to be on the ground and have someone lift me up and save me ?

Friday, 4 August 2017

Fight on

Life is hard, there is so many challenges and set backs but we have to fight but we have to find a reason to fight. For the past year I had given up, I was still falling in to hard pattens, I only went down hill and kept going down hill. My mento always asks me what will make me to want to fight for me ? I wondered what will want me to fight ? I had no hope. In fact even being a Christian I still find myself to be dead, I had no fight left in me. I want to die. I don't want to be in a world where I don't belong. 

As I faced my struggles I came across this message. 

(Dont act like you are walking around with a Tshirt that says "I give Up!" on the front and on the back saying "I never started trying!"
People can bring you down, situations happen, YOU can feel like Life is the shittiest thing to deal with. BLAH BLAH BLAH..
If you're walking through Hell, keep going! Everyday there's a new challenge. Face it! Deal with it! Move on! To every problem there is a solution or a way around it.. Stop being a sour mongral and think life owes you something..
No one will do anything for you these days. Start fighting. Get rid of ALL the shit people in your Life. Grow some balls of steel and work progressively through everything. Step by Step or what ever mad method you have to get you back in line again.
Who cares, if people don't like you, BURN that mother of a bridge down. It was never meant to be.. Build New ones! Many roads to cross and new paths on life to Explore..
It starts with YOU.. And if people want to judge you, tell them to F/O and look in the mirror. Time for a new game.. It's called "Take over the World" WHOOOP WHOOOP) 

That's pretty inspiring, wise and so true. Guess what ? My birth mother wrote this. As I read this I was in deep shock. I knew God was talking to me and he was talking to me though my mother. That's what I needed but I needed to hear that from her. 

My birth mom and I have had a long journey but I love her no matter what. She my mom and no matter what we disagree on, she still my mom. My mom very wise. Very in to writing when she feels like it too ! 

As I was thinking about what I just read I realize I needed to fight for myself but for her too. She the reason why im here. She carried me for 9 months! 

I wanted to give up I still do, and I did, for a year I fell and fell hard but now I'm crawling again and I want to walk and then run. Iv had a shit year but that's okay I'm still here. For some reason. I must fight on and everyone who feels like I do. We must fight on !