My mentor asked me this awhile ago and for the first time (I think) I was honest about this question. Do you want to get well she asked ? You always ask me that ! But as I sat there I began to share the answer I hide from everyone for years.
No I don't want to get well. My answer shocked me even. As I went in to details and thought about what I said after our meeting my heart fell in to a deep shallow of weeps.
I am so afraid of getting well. I don't know what that looks like. I'm so use to rejection and pain and pity. I'm so use to feeling suicide and doing it. I was okay with it. I was alright with harming myself because being happy scared me. It scared me so much that I limit myself and missed out on life so much while everyone around me was moving on I was stuck in my pain and I didn't know how to get out of that.
I came before the Lord and asked him often to change my heart. To help me to want to get well or at least desire to get well, for now I have the desire to want the desire to get well and perhaps that's all I need to have.
This past weekend our church had a ladies camp and I had to face some hurts and really put my pain aside and allow God to do what ever he wants and even if that was me showing love to those who deeply hurt me I had to do it and I did but what really stood out for me was I went there with the mind of wanting some breakthrough. I really really was so burn out and so tired, I was really scared I would in fact end my life so when the door for woman camp open I was all open for it, and when I went there with that mind set God just bless me in so many ways I can't even explain it here, what I can explain is while I was being kind to the people who deeply hurt me I was becoming more alive then ever before, for the first time in months I had lived, I awoke and began to have some fun.
As we got to the camp site I was walking around just waiting for others to come when the lady who I drove with came to me and asked me if I would be keen to be media for the weekend, I was like yeah ! Bring it on ! Oh how taking photos of woman praising Jesus changed my view on the Lord so much infact it changed my view on life , I was the one taking photos of powerful moments, those very moments we will never get back.
Perpahs that was God plan all along to stop me in my depression tracks and fill me with life all over again and perhaps that could help me to want to get well.
As drawn broke on Sunday morning I found myself sitting in a tire along the sounds of life going though the photos I took over the weekend and as each photo went pass my eyes so a moment went deep in to my heart. Sitting there and laughing at some Radom photos I realize that God did answer someone prayer perhaps many who has been praying for me for months , I sat there smiling and whisper to God , Jesus perhaps I want to get well now perhaps I'm not too scared perhaps I'm ready.
I can't say that suicide won't go away and I can't say it will always be there perhaps there will be a time where I will wake up and bam I'm healed! But intill then I choose to slowly take steps to that day and even if that's baby steps that's all good. The most powerful thing I learnt this weekend was to take one step at a time, it doesn't haven't to happen all in one go ! Breath and encounter life as it is. Perhaps I got my life back all over again or perhaps I had it all along and I never realize it.
To end off as morning broke we were all in our beds when we heard a loud noise and when the lady checked some how the mirrow fell and broke, I was abit surprise and didn't take really note on it but when I was sitting latter with the camera of photos I felt the Lord say to me, I have broken your Mirror of life and given you a new one, and at that I was so touch that deep in my heart I cried out to the Lord Jesus and praise him for hearing my prayers.