Saturday, 30 September 2017

The blue car around the conner from me !!!!

as I was walking my dog we came across a house , which I admire, it was very pretty ! I recently moved to a new area which has been so challenging since it reminds me so much of my childhood ! as I was standing in front of the house I saw a blue car that looked just like the car the therapist who hurt me drives, my heart started beating like a speeding flea! I decided to come around again the next day to see if there was 2 cars since she has 2 cars. the next day I was walking my dog and we came across the house and I stood their in shock there was 2 cars standing there and I was freaking out ! we walked to the river near by and I just scream asking Jesus what the heck was he doing?! was he trying kill me ? cause this sure was going knock me over !

I mean how on earth is this possible! I was super angry with Jesus and when I heard Jesus he was laughing at me ! I was more angry ! poor dog was so calm ! I love him !

as the weeks went by I realize I was not coping at all, when I went to see my mentor she gave me some advice and to look for ways to cope with this.

I was far from coping with this matter! what was God up to ? does he want me to be friends with this person who has broken me over and over and given up on me ! I refuse ! does he want me to be nice to her and build a r.ship with her ? I refuse ! as my angry grew God mercy on me grew even more, he showed me that with grace I could face this and love her.

one Sunday I was at church and decided to avoid her because I was not in the mood at all , I was dealing with everything , when I made a quick duck after church, latter that afternoon I went to walk my dog and as I was coming back she was walking on the road with her husband , I was super angry ! now I can't hide from her !

as we greeted and went our ways I got home and fell in to tears ! I didn't understand what was going on ! I didn't know how to cope how to love her. I mean I love her but in a distance ! as I went searching for answers I came across this and hope it encourages you too.

If you are faced with a mountain, you have several options.

You can climb it and cross to the other side.

You can go around it.

You can dig under it.

You can fly over it.

You can blow it up.

You can ignore it and pretend it’s not there.

You can turn around and go back the way you came.

Or you can stay on the mountain and make it your home.⛰

Wednesday, 27 September 2017

The help I log for.

I try over and over again to reach out for help but I realize I can not be help, I realize nobody around me can help me, and when I fall deep down in the shallow pit of depression I am all alone and that's how it will always be, my birth mother couldn't handle me, my adopted family couldn't handle me, the teachers couldn't handle me, the people iv come across as an adult couldn't handle me and I sit here with this huge burning question why Jesus why can't I get help? why can't anyone handle me ? why can't the blue car help me ? why can't the red car help me ? why can they help people who rape abuse and harm others but can not help me ? Jesus what's wrong with me ? please tell me why ? now that I want it, there none, everyone says I must not give up, I must keep on fighting but everyone has given up on me they have stop fighting for me so Jesus can I be loved ? can anyone ....just love me ? why Jesus can't you heal me ?

Saturday, 23 September 2017

I don't want to live

as I walked in to the doors I spent so many days at I now walked in as an outsider, I turn and a lady who was there for me but shut me out for months was sitting there, she smiled and with joy she greeted me my friend ! pain hit me but I stood there smiling hey ! how's it ? as we had a quick chat while I was waiting for my mentor she asked me is it going better now ? I stood there with so much hurt and reply "yes" I'm happy now. a lie that noone knows about but me. as I walked up stairs of the building that tore me apart little does anyone know that this would be the last time I walk these stairs. I walked in to mentor office she greeted me and said I could sit while she Finish's something off, as I turn to sit I looked at the desk of the therapist who broke me , with pain I sat down, and thought of how I use to just speak to her with no pain in my heart and now I have so much.... as I waited I turn to a book that lay next to me I picked it up and realize how much I truly missed reading.
my mentor finish off and we went for a ice cream, as we were catching up I wanted to tell her my hurt , my pain I carried over a year now but I couldn't , I realize nothing I said matter, and my plan was in place , and she wouldn't see it coming, she didn't think I would end my life noone did but now it was time to show the world that they were wrong. as she shared how she didn't want to know of my suicide thoughts I felt a hard knock in me, maybe she felt helpless ?

maybe the world was better without me, maybe I was meant to be dead, perhaps noone would miss me, I was alone more then ever, no matter how hard I try going to church and working hard nothing made me happy or gave me a reason to live for.
so you reading this and you thinking oh boy here she again talking about suicide...she not going do it ? or oh boy we better get help ? but what help ? what help can you get someone who doesn't want to live anymore ?

I don't want to live anymore. everyone gets married and has children and grows old and lives happy ever after and why do I want that ? why do I want the clock ticking at me telling me I have less and less time to grow old and be a mother ...?

nobody ever cared while I was around and why then do I have to be around ?
so perhaps this is not good bye or perhaps this is good bye....

Tuesday, 19 September 2017

Just one more time

just one more time I want to awake from this night mare of change,change I can not change, change I am unable to run from, like the waves of the sea ready to hit the shore with a mighty power so is the power of healing but the question remains...am I ready better yet am I ready  to just fly In to the hearts that wait along me or around the conner, am I ready to love or even open my eyes just abit, like owls standing tall on broken branch's of trees that never die so is this road of recovery" just one more time I want to awake from this night mare of change, change written all over the roads I walk, change the remote there a new story about to hit me in fear I run to my room and lock my door and close my eyes in wonder... just one more time perhaps I could awake from this.....change of words that's about to hit me even the storms of hails can't change the story about to hit my life...just one more time let me close my eyes in fear yet hope of a new chapter...

Friday, 15 September 2017

Prayers

Some of you struggle to pray but praying is simply talking to Jesus in your own special way, my up coming blogs are to those who struggle in this area and I hope they help you with Jesus to become closer to him. I myself struggle in this area however when our church open a prayer room I learnt that I could just be me before the Lord and speak from the heart because after all that's all he ever wants.

Dear Jesus I know that right now I'm angry so instead of lashing out in raves of storm I'm going praise you and thank you for everything you do for me. I may not understand everything right now but I understand you died on the cross for me and you suffered for me because you love me so much, because I'm so important because I matter, because I rock your world and I'm awesome, Jesus you love me and I love you too, if I close my eyes I see myself dancing in your arms and there nothing but you and I and peace of all so Jesus I'm going end off thank you for hearing me, for loving me, for being there even when I feel other wise, thank you our r.ship is not based on how I feel but on what I believe and Jesus I believe in you, You Lord are my father and I give you all the praise.

Friday, 8 September 2017

Light

We in to part 2 and now we take a look at (light) the new mirror God has given me, hope, the will to fight on not just for people but for myself, as we see in the post before that in the photos i have uploaded i was by myself and that part of my dark side, I back away from people and crawl in to an ice block and bam i suffer by myself, however God is a god of relationships and he wants us to build it with each other, he wants us to love everyone just as we love ourselves yet the devil will do anything to keep us from doing this.

I struggle to hold relationships infact im much better at making them but keeping them is a huge issue and I really felt stuck in this area however God has given me hope and has set me in a wonderful church that is all about relationship and family and boy has this been hard for me but this is part of the new mirror God has given me. 
when I think of my church I smile,



I love the people and those who have hurt me I try to love more,that hurts so much, but loving them has just bless me in so many ways and im truly grateful at the fact that God has allow them to break me because now I know real blessing. 
what is light? well my light world is this, where im able to have healthy relationships and to have joy and to dance in my own happiness !to be me without explaining who i am and just living, my new mirror begins at taking a new step in to a new change of mind thinking and taking a look at the bigger picture, its hard to look in a different way but it truly changes everything.

my post of darkness was short because I want to keep it like that, i dont want to give praise to darkness anymore but only Jesus, i want to jump for him and talk about him. I have allow bad things and set backs to ruin my life I no longer want to give in to that.

I have watched myself give up and now I want to fight for my new mirror. my new mirror is only life ful things seeing my self forces on helping people and seeing them out of there own darkness  can I do this? hell no but can Jesus ? heaven yes!

In this world we going have many set backs but we must be strong in the Lord jesus and trust him all the way!  we must not suffer alone, we must suffer together because the devil wants us to suffer alone but we are meant to face set backs with each other, We need people we need each other.

To end off....

What in your life is light? Is there any at all or have you allow the devil to blow it out? perhaps you in a dark hole with nobody around...The devil has you where he wants you the most, what are you going do to get out and find your light? 

I  say this... start a small fire and people will find you. what does this fire look like? you decided! 




Darkness

So my blog of the new mirror bought some questions and I would like to bring 2 new parts in to it where I want to take a look at each mirror the old and the new.
Lets take a look at the old in this post.
As a person who struggles with suicide I struggle a lot with the dark world, when I speak of the dark world I am speaking of my own (dark world)
I see my own dark world with myself thinking of dead things and thinking about the dead world, even harming myself, I could see myself fall in to this darkness and perhaps people around me saw this darkness, as I take a look at the photos I have taken over time I see such a powerful testimony that I can not keep to myself. I guess the only way I knew how to cope was to fall in to this dark world of  mine, every time something happens or a set backs hits me I fall harder and harder, I refuse to fight for myself but harm myself as if im punishing myself,
When we get set backs we have 2 choices, we can choose to work though it or we can refuse to work though it and fall in to a deep dark hole and perhaps die in it.
Sadly I chose to not work though my pain I encounter after leaving the program I was on, instead I fell in to darkness and for months I did not fight  for myself. I allow a evil picture to take place in my head about the people who hurt me instead of going to them and working though it with them.
I choose to hold on to the new mirror God has given me and hold on to him who has saved me from sin even more from death.
In your own life is there some darkness and how have you overcome it?