Saturday, 23 September 2017

I don't want to live

as I walked in to the doors I spent so many days at I now walked in as an outsider, I turn and a lady who was there for me but shut me out for months was sitting there, she smiled and with joy she greeted me my friend ! pain hit me but I stood there smiling hey ! how's it ? as we had a quick chat while I was waiting for my mentor she asked me is it going better now ? I stood there with so much hurt and reply "yes" I'm happy now. a lie that noone knows about but me. as I walked up stairs of the building that tore me apart little does anyone know that this would be the last time I walk these stairs. I walked in to mentor office she greeted me and said I could sit while she Finish's something off, as I turn to sit I looked at the desk of the therapist who broke me , with pain I sat down, and thought of how I use to just speak to her with no pain in my heart and now I have so much.... as I waited I turn to a book that lay next to me I picked it up and realize how much I truly missed reading.
my mentor finish off and we went for a ice cream, as we were catching up I wanted to tell her my hurt , my pain I carried over a year now but I couldn't , I realize nothing I said matter, and my plan was in place , and she wouldn't see it coming, she didn't think I would end my life noone did but now it was time to show the world that they were wrong. as she shared how she didn't want to know of my suicide thoughts I felt a hard knock in me, maybe she felt helpless ?

maybe the world was better without me, maybe I was meant to be dead, perhaps noone would miss me, I was alone more then ever, no matter how hard I try going to church and working hard nothing made me happy or gave me a reason to live for.
so you reading this and you thinking oh boy here she again talking about suicide...she not going do it ? or oh boy we better get help ? but what help ? what help can you get someone who doesn't want to live anymore ?

I don't want to live anymore. everyone gets married and has children and grows old and lives happy ever after and why do I want that ? why do I want the clock ticking at me telling me I have less and less time to grow old and be a mother ...?

nobody ever cared while I was around and why then do I have to be around ?
so perhaps this is not good bye or perhaps this is good bye....

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