Friday, 17 November 2017

The twist is about to come out

Twist me one more time with some words and I'll break you with nothing but a voice that rocks the earth with many waves, twist me one more time with some hits and I'll break you with an ice cube breaking you in half, twist me one more time with the lies of masks of boys flipping me in to the mirrors of confusion... Oh no its out....out of the box...out of the closest... No riddles can hide this... No I can't even hide this... I tried for years... Living this lie....I can't keep living this way , a lie over one... And who am I ? Even the mirror laughs at me in make up because I can't hide it, hide all this guilt and what's worse....I don't even know where it's coming from... Is it from confusion... Is it because of my past .... Hit my head so I can forget this...I want nothing of this...I just want to be a good Christian and follow all the rules so I can go to heaven...is this not about that after all ? Not about me and what I want.... Not who I am or who I really am...oh no here I am again in riddles of nothing but lies.... Perhaps I should open heart to this idea and discover Jesus in the process... Perhaps I should just live and see... Open the door and come out of the shell.... Be pride of who I am and love me... Just maybe I will love me the real me...after all Jesus does....as I close my eyes I see one truth and one truth only... The me no one could love.... So I walk out of this shell...and love the person I am...and if its this is a season of self discovery then let it be. Let the twist of lies falls away and let the boy come out ! Let the tears fly high and let the hair come down, let the shorts come on the the dress's break apart and if this is insults anyone .... So be it.... But this is my life and here I am trying find out why Jesus loves me this way but hey I guess only this matters to me because my ears are blocked to all the twist that could hurt me. Only one twist... Twisting my shoes on and dancing in the love Jesus has for me. 3.....2.....1....here gos !

Friday, 3 November 2017

The lies we are not

All my life there has been so many lies and It has destroy my life, I believed these lies and became that. 
One of the biggest lies I ever believe was that I'm special needs / retarded and that I could not live a normal life, that I am allow to be treated "special" because of it and not face my actions of my choices. Well all this change when someone I look up to me spoke to me and simply said she does not believe I'm special needs, I dont remember much about what all said in that meeting I only remember those words that from that moment changed my hole life, I remember going though the thoughts of what am I going use an excuse now! It was always easy for me to place blame on this lie and on my past. When ever something went wrong I would blame this lie and say oh well I'm special and so I must be treated with care! 
I mean before this people often told me they didn't think I was special needs and that didnt really get to me but when this person told me it really did something to me. 

I Always remember fighting my aunts on this topic that I can live a normal life but as soon as something went wrong I would go back to these words. I decided I would no longer use this as an excuse but a testimony. I have fought many years of trying to live a normal life and often people ask Me what is normal ? I simply would say its having a job, paying bills and rent and doing what any adult would be doing.
My fights has lead to a lot of hurt in people lives because they simply believe that I'm special needs and that I must be in a "home" taken care of however I refuse to believe in this lie, in fact I have more testimony's of how I came to be but I'll share that other time! 

I believe that I am different in my own way but we are all different it does not mean we can't face our own difficult things or that we can't hold jobs and live normal lives and take care of ourselves. 

Today by the grace of Jesus Christ I have a job and I am living in my own space , I make my own food pay my own bills and rent, I wash my own stuff and face the real world on my own. I have been told I am one of the few people who are very street wise ! I have walked miles and miles and have come across beautiful townships in the cape! 

I'm writing this to tell every person who reading this that you are not the lie you are told ! If you told you too fat or Ugly, YOU ARE NOT! If you told that you can't do anything let me tell you that YOU CAN ! 

Believe the words that the Lord Jesus has spoken over you and that is Psalms 139 and many more ! 

Don't stop fighting for what you believe in! 

I fight every day in my own small ways and so can you ! Be strong ! 

Thursday, 2 November 2017

Self harm

I know you hurting, I know you not okay, I know you want to be loved so I'm just going be here and support you, I won't judge you, I love you. 

Ever want to hear those words ? Ever feel so alone and there nothing to live by ? Well I know how you feel because That's all I log for. To be love and not to be judge. 

Recently I shared with my small group that I'm a self harmer. A cutter. 
I will be more open about this in more of my blogs when I'm ready but I thought I would share on this subject and encourage those who struggle with this to know that You not alone. You are love. Reach out because there are people who care for you and remember just because you struggle with this doesn't mean you are not value. You are. 

So if I could write to you the self harmer, this is how it gos....

Dear you the one who finds yourself with blades of no hope, with tears passing its edge ready to break your pain away, hear me, read me, there is hope, be strong. Its okay everything will be okay. No matter how many cuts you make you still so very special. So to you the..
.. The one who is in a storm of blood and alone in a wall of blades remember... You not alone and that I love you ".