Saturday, 25 November 2017

Giving it all to him

It All happen so fast and the next thing I knew it was having the hole line stop working, heads turning towards me and never will I forget that.. Eyes became huge, words became loud.. That moment of brokenness hitting me like a rock falling on my Head, I slowly walked out and went down stairs and broke down , I cried and cried for long that day and when I got home I fell in to buckets of tears... Nothing could change what happen... What happen ? For months I encounter bullying perhaps this got to me or perhaps it was the process i was in as I began to open some past events and face them, what ever it was it clearly was too much for me... I lay on my bed thinking about what happen, there we were my working partner and I in a disagreement which we often had, however this time as soon as she raised her voice, something inside of me snapped and all I can remember was hitting the table in front of us and screaming as loud as ever and the following moments that took place just broke me.... Oh how could this happen ? What was wrong with me ? How can I call myself a Christian and love God when clearly He can't love me... Oh how my pillow had loads of tears that night. 
the next day I didn't even go in to work as I was so ill, I took a walk to the shop and bought some pills and took some and went in to a deep sleep. My heart was broken, broken because I let Jesus down, my self and my boss's. I couldn't go on, I had all the reason to jump in front of the next train. This was the reason. I mean people were going talk and call me mad. I could never go back to work... As I awoke I felt the Lord encourage me to be strong.  As I went back the next day I saw my morning go in a slow vision, step by step I walked and everyone was staring at me. Whisper's among each person I pass, it was like a movie... A horror one, all the blades were cutting me deep and very much... I fell in to more tears and again I broke down i couldn't pull myself together.. Maybe this was it... My life was ending... As I try to gain some control my working partner "N" began to speak about what happen and how she knew I would never do something like this. She began to tell me she loved me and that what happen was in the past and people were shocked when she stood up for me. I mean most of them told her to take me to the lawyer, and to make a case against me however she will not, she won't hold anything against me. As I heard this I cried some more. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I screamed at her, completely lost it yet she was willing to forgive me.
The hole factory has since then can not believe we joke as normal and talk as normal because they so quick to hold something against you. 

As "n" and I ended our week she looked at me and said "cat" promise me you will talk to someone , I wanted to cry more... I reply: I will try. After the screaming event everyone asked her if she was alright yet nobody asked me if I was okay yet she knew I was not okay. 

Out of this huge event I learned that I should forgive myself and love myself , I learn that I shouldn't hold something against someone but to forgive them there. 
I also learned that without surrendering to Jesus that I could never hold it together. In fact I could only fall back to self harm and pills but with him I fall on my knees and cry out to him...I am yours... Heal me Lord...make me new...take my brokenness take it all. After all only he can. 

Friday, 3 November 2017

The lies we are not

All my life there has been so many lies and It has destroy my life, I believed these lies and became that. 
One of the biggest lies I ever believe was that I'm special needs / retarded and that I could not live a normal life, that I am allow to be treated "special" because of it and not face my actions of my choices. Well all this change when someone I look up to me spoke to me and simply said she does not believe I'm special needs, I dont remember much about what all said in that meeting I only remember those words that from that moment changed my hole life, I remember going though the thoughts of what am I going use an excuse now! It was always easy for me to place blame on this lie and on my past. When ever something went wrong I would blame this lie and say oh well I'm special and so I must be treated with care! 
I mean before this people often told me they didn't think I was special needs and that didnt really get to me but when this person told me it really did something to me. 

I Always remember fighting my aunts on this topic that I can live a normal life but as soon as something went wrong I would go back to these words. I decided I would no longer use this as an excuse but a testimony. I have fought many years of trying to live a normal life and often people ask Me what is normal ? I simply would say its having a job, paying bills and rent and doing what any adult would be doing.
My fights has lead to a lot of hurt in people lives because they simply believe that I'm special needs and that I must be in a "home" taken care of however I refuse to believe in this lie, in fact I have more testimony's of how I came to be but I'll share that other time! 

I believe that I am different in my own way but we are all different it does not mean we can't face our own difficult things or that we can't hold jobs and live normal lives and take care of ourselves. 

Today by the grace of Jesus Christ I have a job and I am living in my own space , I make my own food pay my own bills and rent, I wash my own stuff and face the real world on my own. I have been told I am one of the few people who are very street wise ! I have walked miles and miles and have come across beautiful townships in the cape! 

I'm writing this to tell every person who reading this that you are not the lie you are told ! If you told you too fat or Ugly, YOU ARE NOT! If you told that you can't do anything let me tell you that YOU CAN ! 

Believe the words that the Lord Jesus has spoken over you and that is Psalms 139 and many more ! 

Don't stop fighting for what you believe in! 

I fight every day in my own small ways and so can you ! Be strong ! 

Thursday, 2 November 2017

Self harm

I know you hurting, I know you not okay, I know you want to be loved so I'm just going be here and support you, I won't judge you, I love you. 

Ever want to hear those words ? Ever feel so alone and there nothing to live by ? Well I know how you feel because That's all I log for. To be love and not to be judge. 

Recently I shared with my small group that I'm a self harmer. A cutter. 
I will be more open about this in more of my blogs when I'm ready but I thought I would share on this subject and encourage those who struggle with this to know that You not alone. You are love. Reach out because there are people who care for you and remember just because you struggle with this doesn't mean you are not value. You are. 

So if I could write to you the self harmer, this is how it gos....

Dear you the one who finds yourself with blades of no hope, with tears passing its edge ready to break your pain away, hear me, read me, there is hope, be strong. Its okay everything will be okay. No matter how many cuts you make you still so very special. So to you the..
.. The one who is in a storm of blood and alone in a wall of blades remember... You not alone and that I love you ".