Saturday, 25 November 2017

Giving it all to him

It All happen so fast and the next thing I knew it was having the hole line stop working, heads turning towards me and never will I forget that.. Eyes became huge, words became loud.. That moment of brokenness hitting me like a rock falling on my Head, I slowly walked out and went down stairs and broke down , I cried and cried for long that day and when I got home I fell in to buckets of tears... Nothing could change what happen... What happen ? For months I encounter bullying perhaps this got to me or perhaps it was the process i was in as I began to open some past events and face them, what ever it was it clearly was too much for me... I lay on my bed thinking about what happen, there we were my working partner and I in a disagreement which we often had, however this time as soon as she raised her voice, something inside of me snapped and all I can remember was hitting the table in front of us and screaming as loud as ever and the following moments that took place just broke me.... Oh how could this happen ? What was wrong with me ? How can I call myself a Christian and love God when clearly He can't love me... Oh how my pillow had loads of tears that night. 
the next day I didn't even go in to work as I was so ill, I took a walk to the shop and bought some pills and took some and went in to a deep sleep. My heart was broken, broken because I let Jesus down, my self and my boss's. I couldn't go on, I had all the reason to jump in front of the next train. This was the reason. I mean people were going talk and call me mad. I could never go back to work... As I awoke I felt the Lord encourage me to be strong.  As I went back the next day I saw my morning go in a slow vision, step by step I walked and everyone was staring at me. Whisper's among each person I pass, it was like a movie... A horror one, all the blades were cutting me deep and very much... I fell in to more tears and again I broke down i couldn't pull myself together.. Maybe this was it... My life was ending... As I try to gain some control my working partner "N" began to speak about what happen and how she knew I would never do something like this. She began to tell me she loved me and that what happen was in the past and people were shocked when she stood up for me. I mean most of them told her to take me to the lawyer, and to make a case against me however she will not, she won't hold anything against me. As I heard this I cried some more. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I screamed at her, completely lost it yet she was willing to forgive me.
The hole factory has since then can not believe we joke as normal and talk as normal because they so quick to hold something against you. 

As "n" and I ended our week she looked at me and said "cat" promise me you will talk to someone , I wanted to cry more... I reply: I will try. After the screaming event everyone asked her if she was alright yet nobody asked me if I was okay yet she knew I was not okay. 

Out of this huge event I learned that I should forgive myself and love myself , I learn that I shouldn't hold something against someone but to forgive them there. 
I also learned that without surrendering to Jesus that I could never hold it together. In fact I could only fall back to self harm and pills but with him I fall on my knees and cry out to him...I am yours... Heal me Lord...make me new...take my brokenness take it all. After all only he can. 

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